I did a privacy review of my name, my email address, etc., and found one of them linked back to posts I made back in Nov 07. I read for a little while, what I was going through then. That poor woman.
I realized that I have now been divorced longer than the amount of time I was trying to DB/save the marriage (and I know that I am a case study in what NOT to do - I was such a co-dependent mess!).
As much as I threw at the sitch, my desperation and depression, I think the overriding factor in getting past this, is time.
I think that DB, journaling, posting, therapy, GAL, friends, support groups, AlAnon, DBT training, meds, withdrawing to bed, crying, meditation, mindfulness, dabbling with dating, and all the rest, might have put a small dent into moving me forward... but the biggest thing was simply time.
For the most part, I have stopped wishing that things were different (all except wishing his gf were out of the picture, for the kids' sake, but again, I trust time will deal with those thoughts, as well). I am settled and enjoy my life.
School is out for the summer - I was able to wrap up a year where I was able to be fully present there, again. I had a lot of catching up to do, and I am back to a good place there. I am on track to complete the courses I need for my certification renewal. Some other financial aspects that I put on hold will be dealt with over the next few weeks, too (taxes, some medical bills). And more organizing / decluttering is on the bill daily while the kids and I are home.
But that will be after our trip - a friend from work and her husband invited the kids and I to go along with them on a 2-week trip down south. They have a little girl my daughter's age. I am excited about it and all of us are looking forward to it. They are laid-back people, more than even myself, so it should be interesting. I was pleasantly surprised to not get much flack at all from x - I've never had the kids solely for that long. He asked for the itinerary, my friend's cell, etc., and just asked that I make sure that they get in touch with him daily. He calls them every night at the same time when they are with me - they argue who is going to get the phone, often letting it just go to voicemail. I see how they compartmentalize their lives. I've asked them if they do the same when I call them when they are away- of course they say "no," but most of the time I can tell that they are involved with something so I just say a quick "I love you" and let them go back to what they are doing; if they want to talk more, I leave it up to them. It seems almost selfish when x pushes himself onto them; I don't want to do that. I get it that parents are much more "into" their kids than vice-versa...it's the natural way of things, so they can grow up and become independent. Not sure if x gets that, but oh, well.
When we come back, my son will only be home for a day or two before he goes off to Boy Scout camp for most of the summer, a last-minute opportunity. He may even have a paying job there, but could CIT as a backup. They only get 24 hours a week off, so it will be a huge adjustment for me and our little family. It is a year earlier than I expected - he is only 14. But it will be good for him - he seems ready (so I have to be!)
My x and I met through Scouting, and this is a long tradition, especially at this summer camp, back on LI where we grew up. I am so happy for him that he will be able to do this, especially after such a tough school year for him.
The kids are with their father this weekend, so I am free to be me. I stayed up late watching nonsense and reverting to my innate, inner vampire (I was such a nightowl before kids!), celebrating the freer schedule of summer. I slept in, took a luxurious bath, had plans to go see the fireworks but it looks like it may be rained out, so maybe a movie. I don't envy people who have year-round work - not sure if I could do that (well, at least). I need the cycles of school years, the time to recharge.
Life goes on, and while it might not be what I expected, it's not bad, either.
