YOu need a plan on how to attack the addiction that makes SENSE and you need to stick to it, not follow your instincts or quick suggestions.. you need to educate yourself on how to manage infideilty and you need to act on that... consistently...
Stop following your impulses...
When you aren't sure what to say.. say nothing and walk away
When you aren't sure what to do, come here and get some advice from someone who's BEEN THERE
Yes, I did read DR cover to cover twice and the other material once. I guess I need to reread till it sticks entirely and that will help. Thanks for your assistance Puppy and Allen A. At this point I am working very hard on the detach advice. It's difficult but I think it's best in the long run for me with him and for me if I never get him back. I don't know how to explain it but I do feel in my heart that while I believe I have the ability to cope without him, I also feel a sense of destiny that we are "meant" for one another, only that now we are not as the people we are AT PRESENT. Fixing myself and my issues makes me stronger whether I am with him or not. I hope he "gets it" and sees the same on his end, but I also know that I can't control what he thinks, so he may never see what I see.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
You can't control his thoughts, but you can INFLUENCE them.. nudge them in healthy directions.. you do this by your actions.. NOT by arguing or threatening or negotiating...
You need a plan of attack.. start drafting a step by step plan here and others here can help you polish it up
Ok I read Overcoming Infidelity again and there are 2 things I feel like I can't do: expose to his workplace and contact the OW. The workplace does not have any "rules" about what went on there. There are no repercussions for him talking to someone in her classroom or even for her coming into his and kissing him there. And with the OW, it's almost like it's too late for me to say "look you're coming btwn. me and my husband, back off", because he has made it VERY clear to me that he is choosing/has chosen her over me at this point in his life.
One of the most central reasons he claims we are "no longer right for each other" is because I have always tried to control things to the nth degree and I have been guilty of manipulating him. Of course the other side is that he ALLOWED me to control things and ALLOWED himself to be manipulated, so he enabled any of that behavior.
For this reason, I feel like since I've been communicating that "it's out of my hands" and practicing detachment from him, that if I now go to exposure to workplace and if I confront her, it will just look like I'm really not detaching from him but still trying to hold on. One thing I did do when this first began was to send the "letter" both communicated in person and by email, maybe not worded exactly the same as Penny's but pretty darn close. So he does know where I stand there.
So with all of this taken into account, am I essentially "done" with exposure and onto the protection phase?
I should also note that he became so enraged at me with the exposure to a few friends that he started to make threats about coming in to "clean the house out" when I was not here, and I checked with my lawyer and she said that since he has never threatened any kind of physical abuse, that no court would give me a court order to block his access. She also said "even if you change the locks, he can break the door down and there is nothing you can do about it." She just said to photograph everything in the house as a record in case anything ends up missing.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Nope, you expose to his family.. expose to anyone you YOU think may influence him in some wya to end his affair
You don't HAVE To go to his workplace or to OW... the text reccomends it because SOME wayward husbands dont' even TELL OW they are married...
If your workplace isn't likley do do anything then don't expose there...
Do what works still applies here...
And yes, RAGE is often the response.. you are violating his secret romantic fantasy.. he's going to be angry about that...
Have you ever tried to lock the liquor cabinet on an alcoholic?
They get ANGRY
Its the addiction talking... NOT HIM
If you think exposure is going to produce an offensive reaction then yes PROTECT yourself FIRST THEN expose him...
As long as you keep his secret for him you are part of the affair.. no better than one of his buddies lying to cover his tracks for him...
YOu DO need to protect yourself though, that's part of the protection phase...
I often reccomend you have friends and family involved.. HEAVILYL involved in this don't do this on your own in secret... families are involved at the wedding when things are going well, it just makes even MORE sense to bring them together to help you when things are problematic and you NEED their support...
If you sent him a letter pretty much stating your position then you just need to protect yourself and your family and start exposing to anyone who may pressure your H in any way to start acting like an adult and to stop his abuse (infidelity IS abusive as much as alcoholism is or maybe even moreso)...
Don't expose if you are a huge targt in your home, if he's moved out then get whatver paperwork or separation orders you need done to restrict his access and get yourself to safety and THEN expose to people...
I just found out that he was going to see a mutual friend of ours tonight who I do not think will support him, but he has kept such a distance from everyone for years that it's hard to find anyone who can make him feel uncomfortable. Even his parents, whom he saw this weekend, didn't chew him out. They weren't happy with his decision and said they were concerned for both of us, but they didn't call him a jerk or anything either.
I saw him briefly today for the first time since he left (boy was that tough) because we had financial and house stuff to deal with, and I delivered "the letter" in person to him at least twice.
Here's the interesting part: I said something briefly about 2 male colleagues who have offered help to me--of the "call anytime if you need anything and I'll come over", and one of them went to the lawyer appt with me for moral support and the other was over already once for a house problem. So my husband was incredulous at this. Not angry, just shocked, because he said "these are both MARRIED MEN. Won't their wives be angry or suspicious??" And I said "that's ludicrous. But clearly, it rattled him.
When he came in he noticed that I was VERY dressed up in a pretty sexy dress that never fit till I lost 14 pounds in 14 days. Well he questioned this, and I said "I'm going out when you leave." He didn't say any more, but when he was walking out the door, he said "where was it you were going again?" And I said "that's for me to know...not your business." And he just got this look of shock on his face.
HA!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I don't agre with handing him the letter in person... the material makes it pretty clear you should be avoiding him...
Re the exposure to hsi parents etc...
The book doenst' go into this as much as I would like, but you kinda have to divorce bust your exposure group too.. your in laws don't just need the facts of what he's doing, they need to see michele w davis' geurilla db video and hear how you want to save the marriage and what THEY can do about it.
I don't expect them or even want them to call their son names... i HOPE they will tell him OW will NEVER be welcome in our home or in this family... She is and always will be an itnerloper and a threat to your family... period
You want your exposure group educated, that's your job, to get THEM where YOU are so they can fight along wtih you.. just giving them the facts of your H's infidelity and NOT educating them on how to manage that is rolling dice...
But you sound like you are distancing yourself from the situation... that's definitely a good sign.
When he came in he noticed that I was VERY dressed up in a pretty sexy dress that never fit till I lost 14 pounds in 14 days. Well he questioned this, and I said "I'm going out when you leave." He didn't say any more, but when he was walking out the door, he said "where was it you were going again?" And I said "that's for me to know...not your business." And he just got this look of shock on his face.
