So here's the situation. Husband said he was unhappy with the relationship in late January. We decided to go to marriage counseling even though he was 95% sure that leaving was the only way he could be happy again. Through marriage counseling I learned that he felt that he had two lives - the unhappy one with me and the happy one out with his friends, at work etc. He said I was controlling, always trying to change him, too emotional/hotheaded, never supportive of him, that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about anything and I'm always trying to prove that I'm right.
Also, I learned that his best friend from work, a woman he has been good friends with for about 8 years, is in the process of divorcing her husband. And my husband admitted back in January that he had "deep feeling for her, more than friendship feelings" but that "they were a sign of the problems in our relationship and not anything to do with her per se."
We had really rough months in April and early May when I suddenly realized that I wasn't all that happy in the relationship either (especially in regards to his probable EA with OW) and on Mother's Day we had a huge blow-up and he shut down and said he was done working on our relationship, that he wanted a divorce.
About that time I started DB'ing, and have been doing a really good job with it. I have some new meditation techniques that keep me really calm so we haven't had a fight, or even me reacting other than calmly since then. I don't ask where he is going, who he is with, if she is there etc. I've shown genuine interest in any topics he brings up and have been focusing on GAL - will be going to graduate school in the fall, started golf lessons, hanging out with friends etc. I've been focusing on only positive interactions and giving occasional sincere compliments when warranted. I have never brought up our relationship and if he does I change the subject as soon as possible.
And overall, the DBing seems to be working a bit. He is more affectionate with me, kissing me good-bye in the morning before he leaves, again when he comes home, draping an arm over me in bed and spooning with me most every morning (we still sleep in the same bed). We have been having incredible conversations in the evenings after the kids go to bed about music, movies, sports etc. He has asked me to go to the bar with mutual friends on two occasions. He has asked me several times about my meditation techniques and if that's why I'm so calm all the time. We have tickets to several concerts in July that he bought months ago and this week he asked me if I was still interested in going, which I said yes to.
Having said that, he is still moving forward with the divorce. We have had several conversations about custody of the kids and last week he consulted with a lawyer and has started the process of drawing up the paperwork for the initial petition for divorce. He keeps saying that the decision to get a divorce is a really difficult one, but that he has felt better since he made it (which of course also coincides with my DB changes) and that we are getting along better since he made his decision (again, also since I started DBing). I have been agreeable about the divorce, saying it isn't what I want but that I understand that he feels that it is the best thing to do (remember, he thought I was too controlling, not ever supportive of him, etc.).
I just don't know what to think. On a day to day basis he definitely does not act like a man who hates me so much that he wants to divorce me, that he can't imagine continuing to live with me and then on the other hand he initiates physical contact (non-sexual) and time together. Is the DBing working? Or am I just fooling myself?
waterbur
married 10 years together for 16 years two kids, ages 6 & 3 both 35 years old
He's likely noticed (and liked) your changes, but he's probably also just more deeply into the affair with the OW from work, which is why he's not responding to you. He hadn't had to make any tough choices, and so he hasn't.
So what sort of tough choices should I put out there for him?
I've also been working with a DB coach and she told me I am doing everything right, to just hang in there and be patient. I wondered about "going cold" and showing him what a divorce would actually look like, especially now that I have shown him for about 6 weeks what a good relationship would look like. She told me to wait for now.
Waterbur: Your sitch has amazing parallels with mine, although the genders are reversed. I am short on time right now, but I encourage you to find and read my thread. My W went all the way to the signing stage before her fog lifted, and she realized she was making a mistake. I went through months and months of the emotional rollercoaster, but hung in there through the ups and downs (with an amazing amount of support from the wonderful folks on these pages). I am not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination, and we have lots and lots of work to do. Time and patience is ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL. Baby steps, just baby steps. As long as you are moving forward, you are making progress. Be strong, and hang in there, and I will check back tomorrow when I get home. You can do this!!!!
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. We had a quick conversation tonight about the divorce, as I met with a lawyer and he wanted to know how it went. I was pleasant and upbeat, saying she showed me some numbers which reassured me that I would be fine, we talked about health insurance, me buying a house etc. Basically I was telling him that I'll be fine either way and I stayed strong and smiling.
I also mentioned something my lawyer said to me, that if there was any doubt in either of our minds that she had the name of a marriage counselor that is very different from the usual counselor. He asked "different in what way?" I said that instead of talking about all the problems from the past, that you focus on the good that is still there and the future. That she's really action oriented and will give it to you straight (all things my lawyer said). Then he said that his lawyer had said something similar to him, that he had suggested some DVDs that are really good at helping people reconcile without dwelling on the past and old problems. My husband said it was something to think about and we've been hanging out watching baseball and watching funny videos on YouTube since (he finds the videos and calls me over to watch them).
I also mentioned something my lawyer said to me, that if there was any doubt in either of our minds that she had the name of a marriage counselor that is very different from the usual counselor. He asked "different in what way?" I said that instead of talking about all the problems from the past, that you focus on the good that is still there and the future.
Sounds very pollyanna to me. Does this counselor have any experience in dealing with infidelity? I can assure you, unless it is DEALT with, both thru counseling (for both the cheating and the betrayed spouse), and thru a good no-contact/transparency plan, simply "not dwelling on the past" will lead to a recidivism rate in excess of 90%.
I'm sorry, that's just naive. SOUNDS great, but terribly naive.
He firmly believes that he is not having an affair. We spent the month of April and part of May fighting about this - I said I wouldn't tolerate the friendship/relationship etc. and he constantly blew up saying I didn't trust him, was trying to control who he could and could not be friends with. My insistence that he was having an EA is what caused him to shut down and insist on divorce.
And I thought the marriage counselor my lawyer suggested actually sounded exactly like the marriage counselors Michele recommends in DR. Guess I must have read that section wrong.
My question remains the same. Is the DBing that I am doing from the book working? The DB coach I am working with suggests more time for his probable MLC. She hasn't suggested I confront him about the OW at all, or to go cold at this time.
I don't remember Michele talking about giving ultimatums to the WAS, even in the chapter on affairs.
Not sure what to tell you, Waterbur -- I disagree with MWD for the most part when it comes to infidelity. It's not her specialty. Most experts on infidelity -- Harley, Tupy, Glass, McGraw -- recommend a much stronger approach, and to treat the affair like an ADDICTION.
I suggest reading "NOT Just Friends," by Glass. It's the definitive work on emotional affairs.
Everything your husband says, about the "controlling," etc., is just so much infidelity SCRIPT. They ALL say that.
Is it working? Only you can be the judge of that. My advice is from the perspective that it's NOT, but all I have to go by are your posts to us here. I went by not how "nice" he's being to you, but instead your statement of "he's still moving ahead with the divorce."
