Hi ssmguy, Just throwing in my two bits here, from a female's perspective. What really caught me in your thread was this: "It's not normal to want sex that much" "You shouldn't need sex that much" "It's normal to have sex once a week, not every day" "Again? We just had sex yesterday!" "Again? We just had sex two days ago!"
The reason those comments/thoughts of your Ws caught me was they sounded so ... so lonely. So filled with distorted thoughts and 'shoulds' - your W sounds like she's got some very rigid, constrictive rules she lives by, and I wonder if somewhere underneath, she's as unhappy with the level of intimacy in her life as you are. I'm so sorry you both find yourselves in this sitch, and I'm thinking good thoughts for you both, that you're able to find your way back together.
I wonder if I share some of my experiences, it might offer you a helpful perspective? I'm sorry, I wish I could just put this down as specific advice, but I'm not sure how - all I can think it to just share what has happened with us. I do hope it helps.
I can relate to the gradual lessening of sex in long-term marriage. Years ago, our sex life gradually dwindled to nothing; at it's worst (the last couple years) we'd maybe have sex a couple times a year. The very start of it was long ago - a thyroid disease for me, so I was the LD spouse for many years. Add to that the stupid birth control pill (which they now have shown that it can reduce sexual desire in many women) and I was really struggling. My H says he eventually just 'gave up', and stopped asking. On his side of it, he was a very distant person, with very little capacity to reach out to me emotionally. And my personal attributes left me unable to ask for (or even know) the kind of connection I needed emotionally or physically. It got pretty bad - a lot of him blaming me, me feeling guilty for it; him feeling inadequate I'm sure, a lot of fear around the sex itself and the inevitable 'performance anxiety' (for us both!). And we were just so disconnected we were unable to even talk about it. And I gradually felt less and less connection with him overall. I was horribly, horribly lonely. Man, when I think about all those years... my heart was just aching for him. So, all this essentially killed any sexual connection that was left.
I got into IC last fall, and although my H has refused to come, with the help of my IC we've been working on getting reconnected emotionally. My IC almost scoffed at my concerns about addressing our sex life, before the emotional safety and intimacy was addressed. I was surprised because often the books say to use sex as a way to reconnect. But I guess everyone's different - this is just how it seems to be coming back for us, so thought I'd share. Gradually, very slowly have I noticed my sexual desire for him returning. We are both still hesitant but making small steps forward. I notice that I'm the one initiating it mostly, and we've had some tentative discussions about why he hasn't. I'm trying not to worry about that; it will happen in it's own time I'm sure.
So yes, I think it's definitely possible to have sex many times a week. We're not there yet but I think as we continue to reconnect emotionally, we'll get there. If the increase in frequency of desire is any measure of what we can expect, I feel very positive for our future.
As far as dynamics that I think are sustaining and growing this reconnection, I'd say my H's still new and growing (though hesitant!) willingness to discuss meaningful, emotional aspects of our M, a weekly date night, and the willingness to show emotions to one another. I think that almost more important though, is my learning to know WHAT KINDS OF support, love and emotional signs of intimacy when I need it, learning that it's OK for me to NEED it, and HOW to ask for it. I think I grew up feeling I never had a real right to ask for or need connection and support, and that ultimately led to a lot of embarrassment around sex and intimacy for me... perhaps when I saw those comments and thoughts of your wife's, it struck a chord with me so I wanted to share my experience.
So again, I'm not sure if that helps you. I just thought you might be interested in the perspective of a woman who used to be LD, and how it seems to be turning around. It's taking a lot of work on BOTH our parts. Fingers crossed of course and there's still a lot of ground to cover. But I do hope it gives you some hope that things can turn around for the better. Keep talking with your wife, create emotional safety for her to explore her sad, constricted feelings around intimacy. I do hope things turn around for you both. Take care, PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
