Heartbroken and needing help!

[Truegritter]

Trying to force H to become "balanced" with work and family. Always met with hostility and resistance.

What did you expect? This ^^^^^ is control and enabling red flag.

H is not successful at the coaching thing and gets out. Has extremely difficult time feeling like a failure. I try to support, re-direct, nothing works.

losing it if something goes wrong.

Ditto

I always felt I should be doing for others.

Irish all this stuff and your childhood history points to a tendency toward the rescuer/fixer.

I am not a mental health professional. To my knowledge no one here is.

I am going to share my opinion based on my own experience.

Hi my name is Truegritter and I am a FIXER/ENABLER.

I am going to say some things to you and they are not meant as criticism only as things to consider.

When we help the ones we love we do it because we care.(Good motives)

When the ones we love fail we want them not to hurt and we try to spare them that pain.

We try based on our own assessment of what is best for them to help (control) situations that cause pain.

This denies those we love the ability to make mistakes and take responsibility for themselves and their mistakes. It only makes them doubt their own abilities more (the opposite of what we desired)

We also attach our own self worth to our ability to be that FIXER and as weird as it sounds if the problem actually goes away there is no need for us right?

We actually feel better having the need. We focus all our attention on others and neglect ourselves.

As long is there is greater chaos going on around us then we have a "purpose" and don't have to look at our own faults.

We get lost...

Irish YOU got lost...

I could go on about the complexities of the rescuer/fixer and you should maybe do your own reading on the subject.

I would encourage you to read the detachment link several times.

As I have posted to you (speaking as one) it is much harder to detach when you are a fixer.

You MUST do this...

You have had chaos around you all your life and your best coping mechanism is to try to control it...

The only thing you can copntrol is YOU.

Focus on Irish.

[TimeHeals]

Irish all this stuff and your childhood history points to a tendency toward the rescuer/fixer.

Yep, there's a fine line between interdependency and codependency.

And that line is... the ability to let those around you make mistakes and even fail and deal with the consequences of their mistakes and failures without feeling like you need to rescue them or prevent them from making the mistakes or failing.

[beingreal]

Hi Truegrit.

My name is Shel, and I'm a fixer.

And that line is... the ability to let those around you make mistakes and even fail and deal with the consequences of their mistakes and failures without feeling like you need to rescue them or prevent them from making the mistakes or failing.

Yep. Even with the best of intentions... fixing and rescuing is STILL controlling. And it's hard to stop. I'm letting H deal with this mess all by himself & it's hard. Especially considering just how much rescuing he needs right now. But this is his journey, if I jump in he will NEVER figure it out on his own.

Drop the rope. Drop it. It's hard, but it will feel so freeing.

[irishblessings]

I get the picture TG and TH and BR: it is a brutal reality for me because I honestly have no idea what I am going to do. I hate facing this - how do I make amends for this and move forward avoiding the same mistakes?

What will it feel like, look like, etc. when I am living a different way?

I sound and feel like an infant - and I'm sorry to be so completely ignorant - but it is definitely my missing link~

[Grace_O]

Irish,

how do I make amends for this and move forward avoiding the same mistakes?

Make amends to whom? I would start by forgiving yourself.

What will it feel like, look like, etc. when I am living a different way?

What do you want it to look like?

Sweetie, are you on the alt? If so, look me up. In the meantime I will try to condense some of the tools that helped me. I tend to be wordy sometimes

HUGS

[irishblessings]

Grace - what is the alt?

[seeking answers]

alt = facebook

[irishblessings]

Ok - thanks / not on yet

[irishblessings]

S is leaving for camp tomorrow and my BIL was coming into town. H asked what our plans were and I said I was cooking out. He asked if he could come by to see S before he left. I said sure - bring BIL for dinner. So I make nice dinner for S and his friend, BIL and H. S and friend leave / H and BIL hang around for a while having a few drinks just talking.
Then H and BIL head out to H's 'rent by week" place. BIL hugs me says thanks. H says thanks and leaves.
Me, I clean up and cry. How did I lose my best friend? Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself - no I didn't drink. Yes I'm reading, re-reading, DB. Not pursuing H, no R talks - trying to come to terms with myself and my "new" life. I am a nice person - I am a good person - I am a loving person - I am a giving person - I am a funny person - I'm not unattractive -
I want my "old" husband back. It was way more good than bad.
Yes I sound pathetic - but I'm just venting my feelings / not my rational side!
Thanks for listening!

[Grace_O]

Irish,

You don't sound pathetic. You're hurting. It's understandable. This is the place to vent, not with your H.

I hope you can get some rest tonight.

HUGS