Heartbroken and needing help!

[Truegritter]

Trying to force H to become "balanced" with work and family. Always met with hostility and resistance.

What did you expect? This ^^^^^ is control and enabling red flag.

H is not successful at the coaching thing and gets out. Has extremely difficult time feeling like a failure. I try to support, re-direct, nothing works.

losing it if something goes wrong.

Ditto

I always felt I should be doing for others.

Irish all this stuff and your childhood history points to a tendency toward the rescuer/fixer.

I am not a mental health professional. To my knowledge no one here is.

I am going to share my opinion based on my own experience.

Hi my name is Truegritter and I am a FIXER/ENABLER.

I am going to say some things to you and they are not meant as criticism only as things to consider.

When we help the ones we love we do it because we care.(Good motives)

When the ones we love fail we want them not to hurt and we try to spare them that pain.

We try based on our own assessment of what is best for them to help (control) situations that cause pain.

This denies those we love the ability to make mistakes and take responsibility for themselves and their mistakes. It only makes them doubt their own abilities more (the opposite of what we desired)

We also attach our own self worth to our ability to be that FIXER and as weird as it sounds if the problem actually goes away there is no need for us right?

We actually feel better having the need. We focus all our attention on others and neglect ourselves.

As long is there is greater chaos going on around us then we have a "purpose" and don't have to look at our own faults.

We get lost...

Irish YOU got lost...

I could go on about the complexities of the rescuer/fixer and you should maybe do your own reading on the subject.

I would encourage you to read the detachment link several times.

As I have posted to you (speaking as one) it is much harder to detach when you are a fixer.

You MUST do this...

You have had chaos around you all your life and your best coping mechanism is to try to control it...

The only thing you can copntrol is YOU.

Focus on Irish.