Dobson's book is excellent! Has helped me so much in my situation. Definitely a good read.
It's very similar to DR/DB in principle but a little tougher on infidelity, IMHO. I can't tell you how many times I've gone back to re-read certain sections. Glad someone else here has heard of it! It is THE first book on tough love!
To update my sitch - not much to update. I was not able to look at H's cell while he was in the shower this morning as I slept through it. Going to try tomorrow! It's somewhat of a sickening feeling, just thinking about finding something, I will admit. BUT...I do believe knowing is better than not knowing if at all possible.
No communication from H today at all after sending the email yesterday and never replying. No texts, unless I texted him first. (Had to - to let him know sons' schedules for the evening.)
Saturday morning update: I'm feeling really angry this morning. I'm just ticked that I am having to go through this childish behavior with someone who is supposed to be a man - an adult - a father and husband to be looked up to!!! I know I can't act on my feelings but I sure would just like to go off! I keep asking myself why it is I care so much about saving a marriage to someone who can treat me this way and not think a thing of it?! It is such selfish behavior and I know I don't deserve it.
Last night it was back to H playing XBox most of the night then coming to bed and staying as far away from me as possible. Why is he making such a point of it lately to sleep on the edge of the bed and in general, being as cold but polite as possible? I keep thinking back to how, when all this first started 2 months ago, he was still making an effort to hug me, say ILY, and be affectionate. Why is it when I started GAL and doing the 180s has he now turned into, "Let me not say ILY at all or hug her, or show her any signs that there are feelings...." Why is it when he was telling me how he felt he wanted out that he was being affectionate? Now that the D talk has stopped, he's giving me the cold shoulder?
Sorry to rant - but this is the most confusing part to me.
I would rack this up to him being more into someone else but there are no signs of it for the moment. When he's not at work, he's at home. There's been no nightly jogging for the past few nights... Haven't even seen him texting anyone. I gotta get hold of that cellphone....
Ahhhh the good ole matress clinging behaviuor... I know it well...
It's all part of the MLC program Sunny... pay it no mind... Your H's acting like a big baby... don't let him turn you into one okay? I know it's tempting...
let me show you something
I'm feeling really angry this morning. I'm just ticked that I am having to go through this childish behavior with someone who is supposed to be a [woman] - an adult - a [mother] and [wife] to be looked up to!!! I know I can't act on my feelings but I sure would just like to go off! I keep asking myself why it is I care so much about saving a marriage to someone who can treat me this way and not think a thing of it?! It is such selfish behavior and I know I don't deserve it.
That's classic wayward thinking... that's teh mood they are in when the start affairs and start acting rude and distant...
That's YOU there... YOU wrote that.. see it? That's your husband's mindset right now... to a tee
I am not saying he's right, I just want to warn you about how easy it is to slip and to act destructively and how POWERFUL that impulse is
I might add... it's different: I've never done anything to justify him feeling that way...he has! OK, well, I'm not going to say I've never done anything that would make him unhappy, but I've never done anything that's a personal assault on him. I've never withheld affection from him or told him I wanted out, or acted cold. My biggest crime was being depressed. I've never acted mean, angry, or cold.
I might add... it's different: I've never done anything to justify him feeling that way...he has! OK, well, I'm not going to say I've never done anything that would make him unhappy, but I've never done anything that's a personal assault on him. I've never withheld affection from him or told him I wanted out, or acted cold. My biggest crime was being depressed. I've never acted mean, angry, or cold.
Someone looking at depression from the outside, though, may think you were acting cold. Depression and anxiety problems are something I know a great deal about (communication, not so much, which is why I'm here. )
Basically if you are depressed, you can show little to no affection for yourself, so you definitely aren't able to act affectionately toward others. NOT your fault at ALL... but your H, if he's not understanding about depression, could have taken it as negativity and or coldness toward him, and therefore he feels he has a 'right' to act like that now. Again, NOT YOUR FAULT, but that may be one of the factors here.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I am not suggesting you did these things, but he FEELS that you have... its all part of the MLC and not getting enough out of your life etc.. Thinking there's something you are missing out on...
EC: You're right although, I did discuss the depression issues when I was going through it so I thought he understood at the time. Doesn't mean he did though!
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