OK Cat - you asked for it - I try to avoid it - here goes...Who is Irish? Oldest child of raging, finally recovered alcoholic (and gambler, etc.) AND an agoraphobic, narcissistic, probably border-line personality mother. Little to no memories of childhood - really just a watcher. Had AMAZING grandparents, aunts, and uncles who often rescued and cared for me, my brother, and my sister. I became the UBER-responsible one. Caretaker of mother, siblings - father rarely around and detached from family. I paid bills, cleaned, smiled, was always pleasant and pleasing. Felt out of place at school - but LOVED to read and loved being at school for the structure. Went through all Catholic schools thanks to grandmother and I really believe that saved me. I got to see how "normal families" operated. I wasn't a zealot Catholic (Mass every Sunday and Holy Days) but I had wonderful priests who taught consistently and kindly about tolerance and forgiveness - and to this day I have a very strong faith of a loving, forgiving God. HS felt out of place but again had developed some good friendships. Guidance counselor told me not to waste time going to college because I was better suited to be a wife and mother. But all of my friends were going to college and my dad stepped in and wanted someone in the family to go to college. Since I liked to read - it was me. Told him we couldn't afford it - he says "don't worry". So student loans in hand I go to a Catholic college. It was a difficult transition for me because the chaos back home I still tried to fix and I was desperately poor at school - working 3 jobs and going to class. I was overwhelmed. I meet H - star college athlete - I didn't even know who he was. He was socially unprepared for college - he came from large socially detached family. We soon cling to each other - and were each other's best friend. With him I felt safe and secure. With him though all of my insecurities and fears began to be revealed. I was obsessively afraid of losing him / jealous / scared. I tried to be perfect and guess at things that would make him happy by watching what everyone else did and try to replicate (dates, dinners, decorations, etc). Get engaged, graduate college, married, and become parents in a 2.5 year span. H could never articulate what he wanted in life - only knew he thought he would be a professional athlete. It wasn't to be. His parents (and to an extent H) blamed any female that their sons married for their sons failure to make professional status. We always called ourselves "outlaws" instead of "inlaws" - we had to sit at separate tables from the family at holidays and stuff. Craziness but humorous too. H and I enter our careers (both educators) - he also coaches. I am determined to present a perfect family unit. Trying to force H to become "balanced" with work and family. Always met with hostility and resistance. We move back to his home state which was scary for me but truly the best detachment from my families' continued craziness. Good for us as a couple because we cling to each other not knowing anyone else. Those were good years - I went back to grad school, was pregnant with our 3rd - we were happy. Then H gets opportunity to go back to his old HS. We move back to his hometown and things begin to slip. At this time, I get a fantastic job that I love and still have:) - I've got the kids involved in anything and everything trying to be super mom/wife. I disappear though - look bad, overweight, bouts of depression. I never felt welcomed by anyone - in fact the first person I met said "he married you?" I kept working though - and our kids were super successful at their stuff and I was staying behind the scenes - not a backstage mom / just the go-to mom. But the most JOYFUL time of my life. H is not successful at the coaching thing and gets out. Has extremely difficult time feeling like a failure. I try to support, re-direct, nothing works. Our oldest daughter, super artsy and talented experienced the downside of teen life socially - and her junior year she took an overdose of tylenol. Hospitalized for days, frail, - joy would never be the same for me again. H blames me, I blame me - being too over scheduled, losing it if something goes wrong. I go into IC as well as D begin to confront demons. Things get better / I become changed in the way I react to situations. D graduates, gets scholarship. Next D - overachiever, sensitive, successful, well-liked. She graduates top of her class / scholarship. Oldest D has spent several years in and out of school - it's not her thing. But H and I work through this together. S is a good mix between his sisters - struggles socially - definitely in the shadows of his father's families "historic" sports success. But S has great ability to interact with adults - he's a great kid. Hard on himself but funny and truly likable.
So longwinded of who I am - you might say that's who they are but who are you? I am comfortable behind the scenes - not in the spotlight. I love taking care of kids, family, friends. I love making people laugh. I love simple things like reading, riding bikes, watching sports, romantic comedies. I love girly things - making things pretty. I love watching people. I love going to dinner at a nice quiet restaurant with my H, kids, and/or friends. I love being held by my H or when he would hold my hand. I love actually accomplishing something (I am a procrastinator - why? - in many ways I am afraid I won't do it right or perfect:( ) When things are going well in my personal life, I am GREAT at my job. I've been struggling lately and that scares me. I don't have high standards for material things / to be honest, probably because I don't know enough about them and I have never been a designer kind of gal. I have struggled with my weight for years - finally losing the bulk of it - but recently gaining about 20-30 of it back. I am very low maintenance because I always felt I should be doing for others. My mother once accused me of having an "exaggerated sense of self importance" when I told her that I felt sorry for a classmate who was sitting alone in the lunchroom. That has stuck with me to this day - who do I think I am?
Cat - today I am an empty shell of a person who tries to put on a show everyday to keep everyone else in my life thriving. Without my husband I feel no joy, no security, empty. I know my kids love me - but I don't want them to feel that I am a burden to them. My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage. I am crushed that in September my H and I will have been married 25 years and that my parents marriage may have had a longer life than my own. I've tried to make the "right" decisions and do the "right" things all my life. My siblings are "functional" alcoholics who break the rules all the time. Now I feel like it doesn't matter - the outcomes are the same!
Who is Irish? I don't know - I just know that right now she feels hopeless and lost.
