+ baby born one month ago + WH o/seas for two weeks to see OW and to set up a life there + WH will be back for some weeks/months before returning o/seas for good + WH loves baby but wants to be a long-distance father + Things between us very sour.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Newmama asked me on my old thread what changes I am making. Good question!
- I am learning to be resonsible for my own emotions and not letting WHs decisions define who I am. This will take a long time but I can feel the beginnings of it.
- slowly allowing myself to imagine new dreams and other possible futures for me and my baby girl.
- make decisions on my own & stop fearing disapproval.
The catch: can do the work necessary to move forward when I don't have to deal with WH, especially in person.
Goal: to be able to control my feelings and stay strong and calm in the presence of WH on his return.
slowly allowing myself to imagine new dreams and other possible futures for me and my baby girl.
I bet most of us can relate to these-
Quote:
The catch: can do the work necessary to move forward when I don't have to deal with WH, especially in person.
Goal: to be able to control my feelings and stay strong and calm in the presence of WH on his return.
yeah, no contact or just not having to see the spouse can make it soo much easier to move forward and detach! But then they show up and we see them in person...it is enough to go back 50 steps sometimes!
Wow your bub is a month old already????
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Good goals, P! And if I understand "the catch" correctly, it sounds like separation is now something YOU want, too! (Or at least you can see how it benefits you.)
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
Oh I wasn't very clear about "the catch". What I meant is that it's so much easier to detach when I don't see WH, but how to do it when we see each other?
Wayward FIL has sent me a very humble email in which he attempts to reconcile what his son, WH, has done and begin to answer my Q about why he didn't see WH when he was a kid growing up.
Writes that he is devastated by the news of WH leaving me pregnant. Says the news has shattered the illusion he has held for 40 years that abandoning WH was morally conscionable.
Says that although now he feels in no position to justify himself, he left MIL and WH because relations with MIL were hateful, and wanted another man to step in and fill his shoes as WH's father fast*.
Also said he thought MIL would have demonised him, which he found out later, was not the case but it was too late by then to make up lost time with WH who was by then an adult.
* my WH said to me I should find a step-father for the child - the quicker the better.
Oh I see what you mean. Ugh, it's not easy to detach when you see them all the time! It helps when they act really douchey. And you can know you're better without them! It's worse when they act normal. Grr.....
I am fascinated by your correspondence with FIL. Was there no OW in his situation?
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
Piano, sorry, but your FIL sounds like he is giving you a load of BS! I think he just took off and has felt bad about it but then time went on and it was worse and worse and seemed to hard to come back. I think he was too weak and ashamed to deal with returning. He left because....he and MIL were fighting?? and he thought it was best for his son??? I bet you there was an OW!
Of course this is just my opinion based on watching a lot of Oprah. It doesn't meant that today, your FIL is remorseful and is a kind man who has changed. But you can't undo the past 40 years.
I bought the book "Getting the Love you Want for couples" because it helps you identify how your childhood caused you to be drawn to your spouse and how it influenced the relationship. (your spouse's childhood, too). I figured it would help me not repeat any mistakes in my next relationship. If it's any good, I will recommend it.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
G, no there was no OW. He was 25, MIL was 19. Babies. WH was an 'accident'. They were young, a summer romance. MIL a pain in the butt. FIL saw it & thought he couldn't stand a life-time of that! They were not married when she fell pregnant. Small village, Catholic. They were forced to marry by the parents. It was the 60s! Horrible story, really. NM, I don't think it's so much BS, but yes, FIL was feeling so crappy about the whole thing that he put blinkers on and didn't have the guts to check in with WH and the whole sitch when WH was growing up and see if he could play a role in some way. In this, I agree, he is totally at fault. I don't think he is a changed man, but then what do I know? I suspect though, he is 67, lonely and has regrets.
Do let us know if it's a good book. I SO need to read something like that!
Wayward FIL ... writes that he is devastated by the news of WH leaving me pregnant. Says the news has shattered the illusion he has held for 40 years that abandoning WH was morally conscionable.
Originally Posted By: Piano
WH was an 'accident'. They were young, a summer romance. MIL a pain in the butt. FIL saw it & thought he couldn't stand a life-time of that!
FIL was feeling so crappy about the whole thing that he put blinkers on and didn't have the guts to check in with WH and the whole sitch when WH was growing up and see if he could play a role in some way. In this, I agree, he is totally at fault. He is 67, lonely and has regrets.
I have yet to meet ANY man who abandonned his family who did not later regret it.
EVER.
They make every justification they can at the time because it allows them to leave guilt-free.
But it comes back to bite them. HARD!
My FIL regretted it (my MIL is a pain), my BFF's father regretted it (his wife was also a pain). Even my cousin, who's a year younger than me and fathered a child out of wedlock when he was 20 regretted it when he became a GRANDFATHER at 39 and saw his son repeating the pattern. That son is now 24 and has 4 kids by three different women, none of whom he married. "If only I'd been there!" my cousin often says.
Gee...YOU THINK?!!!
Unfortunately, you can't tell them one damn thing. They run away with no thought to the future and only regret their wrecklessness years later when they're not welcomed in their children's homes.
Perhaps, Piano - perhaps your FIL can have some impact on your WH. Unfortunately, he has no credibility because he ran off. But maybe he can get through to him. I sure hope so!
