Live in the Now!!

[newmama]

Hi, BobbiJo! Your thread moves so fast! I just spent the last couple hours reading it from the beginning. I am learning so much about co-PARENTING--what it REALLY is like! I can tell that the boundaries are not going to be black and white. No matter how much we try. Ideally, this is what I am aiming to do with stbxh:

My opinion, clearly colored because my kids are older, is that when X has the kids, as long as I don't have any reason to suspect any real danger, it's just not my problem. And I would expect the same from her. I can see that with younger kids, my opinion might be a bit different.

But then unexpected things come up like, when our kids get sick!

When you say you put your kids first, that is exactly my intent for S. Meaning, when the daycare called you because Nathan was sick, you still picked him up. IMO, when a child is sick, I don't want to mess with "well, it's YOUR day, so YOU need to deal with it." Granted, Dan should have a way to get hold of him but you, the mom and he, the dad, are the top 2 contacts, right? Ideally, they should have contacted Dan, or you could have reached him when you tried calling him. But you couldn't get hold of him so you picked Nathan up.

You did mention all of the other emergency contacts that the daycare is supposed to call...good point. But are they supposed to look up at the calendar, where Nathan is of one of many children, go "Oh, it's Wed....so Nathan is with...his dad."
I just don't believe it is unreasonable that they called you and that you went to get him.

Even with the nebulizer- I still understand why you brought it over- your boy was sick and needed it. You were available and you live close. Should Dan have one at his place? Absolutely he should! But he didn't. Although I would suggest that he have one in case you weren't available! (since you are dating--love your descriptions of the match guys!lol!)


Now, Dan does sound "needy" IMO! His texting and pouting make me want to roll my eyes and "gag me with a spoon!" I think you did a good job responding when he told you about China being allowed to trade meat with Canada. I think his "sorry" was meant for the fact that he texted you several messages about it and you only replied with one line. It was like "sorry for being excited and sharing it with you...when you clearly don't give a hoot" And you know what? SO WHAT if that was what he meant- your reply was reminding him that you two are raising the kids in separate homes, you are not husband-wife anymore and best friends.

FWIW, about the daycare problem you had earlier- I would have given stbxh the schedules, and the first time he messed up and didnt' tell the daycare, I would have told him he is supposed to and then discuss the bill. BUT ONCE is all! Sure, he needs to take care of stuff by himself, but weren't you more familiar with the daycare than he is? It's just there is purposely not letting someone know to prove a point and then there is just common sense and communicating about things that affect the kids. It sure looks tricky, though, seriously! And letting him know once but then not covering for him or taking care of it for him after that would still be instilling boundaries. This is just my opinion...

You did such a good job sharing Nathan's bad dream with Dan but letting Nathan be the one to explain it. I could tell right away that Nathan must not be scared of his dad in real life because he wasn't scared to tell him! And when Dan was clearly shocked that Nathan could have such a dream, that said a lot, too. But then Dan hugged Nathan tight and Nathan let him...mostly I do hope that leaves an impression with Dan to not be so harsh with Nathan. (I swear that stbxh and all of my friend's husbands (4) are harsh with their kids,though! The wives always need to step in. Where did they get this from? Their dads?)

And I loved your email!!! You are smart to read it to your counselor first, though. Maybe you'll never send it.