Still chipping away at EA

[elvencat]

My Previous thread was locked for some reason so I'm writing a new one.

Allen A - I did get to read the story you posted and I'll remember it.

So, today I had a couple job interviews, (WOOHOO) and they both went well. Hopefully I beat out the other canditates for the better of the two because one is MUCH more money than the other.

Then I got a nasty surprise. I was in line at the local WalMart and who should walk past but OW. She gave me a smirky smile and nod and kept on going with some attitude in her step.. ARRRGGGGHHHH. I knew I'd better not walk over and start something because it would likely have ended up with me going to jail, so I smiled back with my best cheshire cat grin, flashed my wedding ring and pulled out my cell phone.. she hurried away...

I don't think I should've because I was so upset at the unexpected run-in, but I called H and told him what happened and I wanted to let him know I didn't appreciate her acting like she was superior to me (which was the vibe she was putting off), and funny enough H got another call beep in while I was on the phone with him. Gee guess who - probably wanting to say the same thing about me.

Anyway.. the talk about OW, for some reason, evolved into a discussion on conflict resolution and believe it or not H and I ended the convo on a good note. That hasn't happened before when OW was the reason for the "chat" in the first place.

[Allen A]

I still don't know about the two of you combating with H over him... It's just feeding his ego most likely.. I honestly think you would do better to DISTANCE yourself and your daughter from him rather than getting argumentative...

I dont' know what you consider a good note, so I can't comment on that part... To my mind though if he's still cheating and communication ends on a good note that's just validating him.. but again I am not in the room so...

[elvencat]

I still don't know about the two of you combating with H over him... It's just feeding his ego most likely.. I honestly think you would do better to DISTANCE yourself and your daughter from him rather than getting argumentative...

I dont' know what you consider a good note, so I can't comment on that part... To my mind though if he's still cheating and communication ends on a good note that's just validating him.. but again I am not in the room so...

Good note... he actually spent time contributing to a conversation with me rather than shutting down and tuning out, which has been his main mode of communication with me for about a year and a half now. This convo was more for my validation than his, but I can see the point you are making.

As far as fighting over H, I agree very much that it isn't doing any good to "fight over him". All I can say is.. I am doing my absolute best to not bring OW up.. and I'm getting a bit better at stopping myself each time I think about doing it, but the shock of seeing her there not 15 feet away just sent me into a tailspin. All I wanted to do was have a good 'ole catfight and I knew it would do noone any good.

I got hit with all the emotions that I've been doing my best to work through and put behind me and it got ugly in my head, so I called.. had I not, and she still had, it would've looked bad on her, but because I called, it looked like we were "fighting over" H while in my head I just wanted H to tell OW to remember she was the one helping to tear apart a family. Hindsight is 20/20. I'll remember if this happens again.

[Allen A]

The thing is... I am not suggesting you not bring up his affair.. I brought that up in my home EVERY CHANCE I GOT...

Every comment, remark, etc I got handed to me good or bad got the same response...

If my wife offered to make a sandwich I told her I would make sandwiches myself from now on that she wans't welcome to be part of this home as long as she was cheating

If she grumbled and told me how horrible I am being I would just tell her as long as she's cheating I am not at all obligated to be polite

I put a WALL up between me and her, and she didn't like that...

Cheating spouses like your H who want to cake eat are best handled by SHUTTING them out...

No, you can't stop him from cheating, but you CAN keep him from cake eating by witholding your emotions, family, life in general... share NOTHING with him as long as HE is sharing his marriage with a third party

You can't control him and what he gets from HER, but you CAN control YOU and what YOU hand over to HIM

This is part of why I don't reccomend fighting with him about OW, any emotion is going to give him an ego boost.. why would he STOP that? He won't...

But if you SHUT DOWN emotionally and don't GET UPSET... just state the harm clear and cold it will start to nag at him that you aren't responding to him...

Cheaters WANT to know you are in their pocket.. a lot of them threaten divorce just to get you to chase them...

So Don't...

I am not advocating divorce, I am advocating you NOT giving them ANYTHING from you... no emotional reaction at ALL

Just shut down until he ends the nightmare...

[elvencat]

Appreciate the explanation of the fine line between bringing up OW and bringing up Affair. I'll try to let that sink in really well.

Today I am one bundle of aggravated nerves and instead of texting my H something nasty, which is what I want to do with every fiber of my hurt emotional self, I am on here typing.

Yesterday H made a couple comments in passing about "if" we get divorced and this winter "we" should do this and "we" need to go to that movie when it comes out.. so on and so forth.. I wasn't sure how to respond without sounding like I was starting a fight, or that I was playing along, so I decided silence was the best response. He hasn't used the word "if" in months when relating it to divorce.

Fast forward to today.... H tells me "I'm going out tonight, if that's ok with you?" Now this statement really gets me because
1. I know he means OW house's
2. He's not really asking me if it's ok.

So I respond with, "Why are you asking me when you already know how I feel about it." I also asked why he'd think I'd have plans when I've been very frugal with gas and money because I haven't had a job offer yet. His response is that he just wanted to make sure I didn't already have plans because if I did he would ask MIL to watch DD.

So now I'm really aggravated with him. I calmly tell him that I do appreciate knowing he was going to be gone, however, I do NOT appreciate being asked if it's ok when the answer is very well known and when the answer doesn't make a difference to the person asking.

A little bit of silence after this and he comes back with.. "I may not go anyway. My feet are starting to swell up again...."

I'm not feeling physically well myself today and about mid-afternoon I decided I needed to lay down for a nap, leaving MIL, FIL, DD and H in the front room...

I had NO idea I had slept 2 hours until DD comes in and flips the light on and asks if I'm awake yet. (I love 3 yr olds. ) But then of course the next thing she says is "daddy's gone, he went to visit his friends...."

ARGH. So instead of firing off a stupid txt about how his feet miraculously healed, I'm on here... much better way to vent.

Also, I did manage to get a new way to get excellent intel on sitch with H and OW. I'm not saying much on here just in case H has found my thread and just hasn't said anything. But I'll be able to find out a lot more than I know now.

[elvencat]

So I respond with, "Why are you asking me when you already know how I feel about it." I also asked why he'd think I'd have plans when I've been very frugal with gas and money because I haven't had a job offer yet. His response is that he just wanted to make sure I didn't already have plans because if I did he would ask MIL to watch DD.

Sorry.. this should have read....


So I respond with, "Why are you asking me when you already know how I feel about it." His response is that he just wanted to make sure I didn't already have plans because if I did he would ask MIL to watch DD. I also asked why he'd think I'd have plans when I've been very frugal with gas and money because I haven't had a job offer yet.


I can tell I don't feel well...... editing skills are the first to go with me.

[Allen A]

OK

1. Don't tell him how you feel.. tha'ts hwat he wants to hear... It gives him his emotional connection... It's like sex.. you tell him how you feel, so he's done for the evening and can head out the door.
2. Don't thank him for offering to arrange sitting for your daughter when he's using his mother to cheat on his family...

HUSBAND : If we get divorced --

YOU : If we get divorced is it... There is no more WE after that so end the sentence RIGHT THERE... GO away please

HUSBAND : This winter "we" should do --
YOU : I have no intention of doign anything with someone who's disrespecting their family and doens't care ... Go away please...

HUSBAND : We need to go to that movie when it comes out..
YOU : I have no intention of doign anything with someone who's disrespecting their family and doens't care ... Go away please...

You need to STOP letting him casually interact with you.. when he tries to make small talk or interact at all you CUT HIM OFF adn tell him he's disrespecting his family and to go away.. if he refuses YOU go away instead.

HUSBAND : I'm going out tonight, if that's ok with you?
YOU : Disrespecting your family and embarassing your daughter? ... GO AWAY please

Just end the exchange.. He's TRYIGN to get you worked up so he gets an emotional exchange from you... so you just tell him he's being disrespectful and walk away

You want to shift the focus from how YOU FEEL to HOW DISRESPECTFUL he is... and then you walk away...

Pinpoint the disrespectful behaviour and EXIT the conversation.

That's it, you keep that pattern up with every exchange

You don't tell him how horrible his behaviour makes you feel... that's gonig to make him feel BETTER... because you are offering him an emotional exchange...

You tell him his behaviour is disrespectful and move AWAY from him as if he has a disease... MOVE AWAY physically

[Allen A]

I am going to get to the nitty gritty of a VERY common problem with LBS who live with their wayward spouse...

When you aer prompted with conversation or a question...

STOP, back up... CHANGE the direction and don't ENGAGE the path you are prompted with

a. If they ask a question - don't answer it, state your position on infidelity and EXIT...
b. If they start to make small talk - state your position on infidelity and EXIT

Not angrilly... Do it with calmness but maturity, as if they have a disease and you do't want to be near it

So VERY OFTEN LBS' here get hit with small talk or questions from their spouse... I am teling you to NOT ENGAGE them.. STOP the statement immediately by stating your position and EXITNIG the ROOM

EACH TIME you TALK or engage in ANY conversation you are sending him a message that you are OK with infidelity...

It doesn't mean you are happy abou it, he knows that, but if you talk to him it means you will ACCEPT it and NOT react in any way that brings any negative consequences to him

He needs to get HIT with a CONSEQUENCE EACH TIME he betrays you like that...

If he prompts you for sign off for him to go to OW you get up state your position and go to teh phone, you call a friend and invite them over... you tell them on the phone with him in earshot what he's doing... You tell them how ashamed you are for your daugthe that her family history has to go through this and you need to do something to protect her from further harm... You invite your friend over to brainstorm for ideas.. AGain in earshot...

NOW when he looks at the door he's gonig to be wondering whos' coming over and what you two are gonig to be DOING while he's GONE...

You dont' phrase it vendictively or meanly.. Just that you have to protect your daughter from further harm and you want her to help you plan... that's it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Agree 100%. I'll never for the life of me understand why betrayed spouses think it's OK to act like everything's hunkey-dorey with their spouses who are cheating on them, and then wonder why they're not getting more respect.

CONSISTENCY, even to the point of "broken record." That's the key.

Puppy

[Allen A]

And yes EC, we know you are telling him how you FEEL, but how you FEEL is not going to STOP HIM

CONSEQUENCES stop him... DISCOURAGE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR will make him think TWICE

If I go out the door, she's gonig to feel bad... Tha'ts not a discouragement for him at all

If I go out th door, something's gonna happen that I don't want to happen...

THAT will stop him... and unfortunately you feeling bad right now isn't something that's gonig to stop him.. He's got a wall up and can't empathize or sympathize with YOU... with HIM he can.. so it has to be a consequence for HIM...