So, maybe I should retain a lawyer now? I've asked my lawyer questions but never actually retained. If I just retain a lawyer would WH know about that or would he not know about it until a seperation papers were served (or how ever that works).
I think you are right that I probably need to have more of a plan about this and should probably meet with my lawyer and draw up papers before I say anythign to WH.
No, your H would not know you retained an attny unless you told him. When I retained my attny the firm had to run a simple check to be sure my H had not ever done business with the firm in any way to avoid a conflict of interest.
Your attny would then draw up the papers along with the settlement you are requesting and have your H served. Your H then would have x number of days (depending on your state laws) to retain counsel and respond.
I do agree there should be no more discussion about assets or money until something formal is in place. Between the house and the health insurance you will need some help. Right now your H is taking money in drips (ex: 125.00) and that money will go fast if this continues.
You certainly can have your attny include in the papers to your H that divorce is not your desire but due to his desire to not work on or participate in the marriage it is your last option to file for dissolution (something along those lines).
The more time passes the further down the hole your H will fall with his "habits". IMO the longer you wait the more damage you are doing to you. I know it is horribly painful and I am so sorry.
Yes, it is painful and as the weeks have gone on I've come to the conclusion that we could never get back together. As much as I hope he changes I don't think it's likely based on his past history. So right now, I'm sitting here and I feel like can't really completely move on because I'm still married and have to deal with him. Since I know I will never allow us to be together I'm grappling with moving forward like I said, mainly because I want to be able to live in this house and I can't do that with financial contribution and right now WH is still paying his portion.
I can file and be granted a divorce almost immediately in my state if I file based on adultery. Once I file it probably would be less than a month before it was legal. Are there advantages or disadvantge - I could also just file for irreconilable although I dont think thats the reason. I at least feel like the adultery would possible give me the opportunity to get alomony.
All of that is understandable but there may be options you are unaware of.
Once legal papers are drawn up, dropping your H from your health insurance will free up 250.00 per month (I think that is what you said). Would that make a dent in his portion of the mortgage payment?
Also, you will only be responsible for 50% of the debt aside from the house (and I bet you can do better with that).
Remember, you will only be paying to insure one vehicle instead of two. You might be able to get some of your legal fees back or a portion of your H's retirement. One angle is to "allow" your H to keep his retirement and you don't have to buy him out of the house.
Once you start looking there are ways to cut back on monthly expenses. I changed my cable pkg (H had every movie and sports channel known to man) and saved 120.00 per month. I changed my cell pkg to a "200 per month" text plan for only 5.00. I text often and when I get close to my monthly limit I use a free online texting program.
Make a list of what you want and need. Then see about finding solutions. I know you can do it!
If you don't live in a "fault" state (and NY is the only fault state) I am not sure the grounds make a difference. In a "no fault" state settlements are not based on morality (as I understand it).
I certainly would file under adultery because that is what happened.
I agree with CityGirl. One also has to think of future debt. You will also be responsible for any debt he incurs in the future, unless you do something about it. I would certainly have a lawyer involved or a mediator to set up a SA. If you can get divorced quickly and as painlessly as possible, I would go for it. D does not mean you won't get together later when he has cleaned up his act, but it will protect you. At least, you will know what you are getting into then.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yes those things are all true. I can cut back in certain places but I would be completely house poor. My mortgage is about $2300 per month and I make $3800 per month after taxes. So even without utilities I only have $1500 left for all utilities, groceries, etc. I would need help from him. I want to try to make an offer and see if he will accept it.
We can't sell the house now, there is no way. We owe his father $30K that he lent us for a downpayment that we planned to pay back once we sold the house. I dont even think we could sell the house for what we bought if for now.
We always said we would live in the house (our first) for 5-7 years. I would like him to continue to pay his portion until Nov. 2013 (we will have owned the house for 5 years) at that point I will put it on the market and it will need to sell for $xx amount in order to pay back FIL. Considering everything he has put me through I think that is fair. He married me as a cheater and cheated on me our entire marraige and continues to cheat on me.
I'm going to retain the lawyer and once I do that I'll decide if I want to just file or if I want to do a legal seperation and honestly, all that will probably depend on what I think I can get financially.
What about my pain and suffering? Do you know how much therapy I am going to need? My entire life was a lie and I had not idea. This isn't a case of "things not working out". How can he even say he tried 100% when he was cheating on me the whole time. How did I even have a fighting chance? Why should I lose everything I worked for becaues WH is an [censored]?
So...I thought I would write an update. I'm filing! I never thought I would be so happy but I am. I am in the process of retaining my lawyer and filling out all the paper work. I am filing for adultery and hopefully it will go quickly. WH does not know that I know about everything that happened after he left and so he is going to be shocked when he is served.
I'm a little irritated because he is still withdrawign small amounts of money from our billing account and transferring them to his own account. I'm not sure if it is worth it to say something to him right now about it.
It has been a while since I posted and I just wanted to check back in.
I have decided to move forward with the divorce. I know in my heart I can no longer be married to someone who lives a double life. Besides, I don't really have a choice in the matter since he was the one that left me.
My family and a few close friends know about all the details and I can say that it has been so comforting to finally get it all out.
This is still very painful. I still deeply love the person I thought I was marrying but know that person either never existed or is long gone but it's still extremely hard.
This weekend was our 10 year reunion. We worked on the plans together with several other friends. We didn't talk the entire time. Obviously, people asked how WH was and I said "we are separated". It was hard because I tihnk people were very shocked and didn't really know what to say but I didn't want to lie. From what hear he really hasn't told his friend's anything about the situation and only one or two know we are separated which I think is very odd but none of my business anymore.
Yesterday (day after reunion) was just a flood of emotions. I cried all day long. I think it was just very hard seeing him. And it was also hard knowing that so many people know about the impending divorce now. Obviously, people don't know the whoel situation so they are specualting and it's just hard. I was just crying because for whatever reason I miss him. I miss him terribly. There were several times during the beginning of the night when we were setting up and had to interact that I almost instinctively said "baby" or "sweetie". I still care so deeply for him. I hate that this is happening. I hate that things are ending like this. I never thought I would be here. I never thought this would be me. I don't understand why he married me if that is the type of lifestyle he wanted. It's just very painful.
He will be served the divorce papers in about 2 weeks at which point he will realize that I know all about what he has been doing since the separation. I am also working on a letter that I would like to read in court when our divorce is finalized or have my lawyer give to his lawyer. It wont be anything mean or nasty - I would just like to say a few final words. He has hurt me so deeply.
