Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Today…. Today has not been a good day. I dreamt of H last night, it was a weird dream but in the dream I was furious with him. I wanted to rage at him, wanted to beat things with a stick or a bat I was so angry. I wanted to ask him why he was doing this to me, to us. How could he do stay with her, how could he have a baby with her. So I woke up upset, then had to talk to him this morning to coordinate him picking up DS from me when I got to work, I was running late as usual. He teased me about being late for work, suggested I try sleeping during the day if I'm having trouble with it at night. I was crying on and off all morning from the time I woke up enough to get in the shower, during the drive in to work, at work. It was hard seeing him this morning, he looked so good. I wanted to throw myself in his arms and beg him not to do this to me, not to leave me. But I didn't, I kept my wits about me. Didn't cry too much at work, managed to suppress the tears there. But I desperately wanted to just go home so I could break down. Prayed a lot today, kept asking God for strength to get through the day.

It's hitting me hard again today. His entire family will be in the area next weekend and I miss them all so much. I was close to them all and to be so out of contact with them hurts me deeply. This not knowing what is going on in H's head is killing me, I want to call his sister and find out what he's thinking. How can he two months ago be all set to leave her and move in with me, and now act like the thought had never entered his mind? Does he think about me as much as I think about him? Does he regret his choice to stay with her instead of returning to me? Does he know the door to reconciling is still open or does he think it's been slammed shut and locked for good by his actions? I want to know the answers to my questions so I can stop driving myself crazy wondering about them. I still feel so naked without my wedding ring, does he feel the same? My life has a big hole in it without him, does his life feel empty too? I wonder if he's noticed how much weight I've dropped in the past two months, and does he realize why I've lost so much. If he has noticed, he's never mentioned it to me.

I suspect that he's moving soon. DS has been telling me he's scared for when he goes to second grade and we move that I won't have enough money to move. He's been asking now and then if I know how expensive moving is and will we have enough money when it's time for us to move? I wonder where H is moving to, is he moving alone or with her? And if it's with her are they going to start sharing a room or keep in separate rooms?

I am going to write to H this weekend. But I won't send it. I'll hang onto the letter and if there comes a time I feel I need to send it to help me get some closure, then I will. But right now I'm too raw, too vulnerable to open myself up like that to him. Because I know all he'll do is say he's sorry and what is that going to do for me? I'll just want to tell him if he's sorry then he needs to show it, just saying it doesn't help. He needs to leave her and come back to me like he was going to do two months ago.

It feels like the life I desire, where H is back with DS and I and OW is out of the picture, is so close I can almost touch it. I just need to figure out how to get H on board with it. I need him to understand how damaging divorce is, how much it will negatively impact our son, how much it will negatively impact our lives. I meant my vows when I said "Forsaking all others...For better and for worse... Til death do we part." How can he so easily walk away from that? I feel that if I could just get him to go to therapy with me he'll realize our marriage is worth saving and he'll want to be with me. The magic words or magic actions are out there somewhere that will wake him up from this fog of confusion and misplaced loyalty.

I know part of what makes this so hard is that H is my first. My first date, first kiss, first lover. He's all I've ever known. I feel like I've lost my best friend when I lost him.