Yes, DaddyLongShanks, that makes perfect sense. Totally agree.
And it's easy to see why your suggestion might be difficult in our case:
1. I like the pleasuring to be slow and take a long time. And since my wife gets NOTHING out of this, and she does not want mutual participation, this is very BORING for her, especially if I would like it, say, a minimum of 3 times a week. I mean, if you thought the treadmill at the gym was boring, I can see how this is REALLY boring.
2. Since she has never had an orgasm herself, she doesn't fully understand what the experience is for me.
3. And since she knows that I can self-service, she doesn't see how her participation makes much difference.
4. She knows that I would get more out of it if she ALSO enjoys it. So she knows that I enjoy it a lot less because she's not into it, so what's the loss of just not bothering?
And as for point #4, I have to admit she's right. I'm not sure it's sex worth having at all if it's just done as a chore, and knowing there are women out there who are, by contrast, begging their husbands for sex!
I remember one time I bugged my wife for sex, and we both knew it had been quite a long time (so long she knew she had run out of excuses). She responded with annoyance that if I waited a bit while she finished up some other things, she could give me a little hand work. And when the time came, she said, "OK, let's get this over with -- I've got a lot do." Not exactly what I'd call romantic, but it's pretty much the best sex I've had in a long time and I'm used to it.
I wouldn't be torturing her with long duration sex especially if you know she's not deriving physical pleasure from it. However, if she gives you scraps 3 to 5 minutes of the "hurry up" type, I don't think you should feel a deep shame from taking it especially if her mindset is that she wants to make sure you don't miss out on this even though she can't go there with you.
You need to find a way to get her to orgasm. I'd start with clitoral style orgasms. Once you guys can get that out the way, she needs to do it on her own. It will build up her interest in sex. The woman that I had that could not orgasm was "blocking" at the point of normal orgasm. They are supposed to relax and let it happen. I don't remember how we got past the "blocking", I think I talked her through it.
In getting this orgasm, I would expirament with vibrator, fingers and tounge. Let her talk you through it if necessary and indicate what she's needing.
Are you guys doing oral sex? You should definately be trying to oral her to orgasm, because if you can get her to orgasm, and get her hooked on you your sex life will skyrocket.
On the vaginal pleasure not being there, me thinks its mental, but me thinks its mental from not having interest due to lack of orgasm.
