So here's the situation. Husband said he was unhappy with the relationship in late January. We decided to go to marriage counseling even though he was 95% sure that leaving was the only way he could be happy again. Through marriage counseling I learned that he felt that he had two lives - the unhappy one with me and the happy one out with his friends, at work etc. He said I was controlling, always trying to change him, too emotional/hotheaded, never supportive of him, that he didn't feel like he could talk to me about anything and I'm always trying to prove that I'm right.
Also, I learned that his best friend from work, a woman he has been good friends with for about 8 years, is in the process of divorcing her husband. And my husband admitted back in January that he had "deep feeling for her, more than friendship feelings" but that "they were a sign of the problems in our relationship and not anything to do with her per se."
We had really rough months in April and early May when I suddenly realized that I wasn't all that happy in the relationship either (especially in regards to his probable EA with OW) and on Mother's Day we had a huge blow-up and he shut down and said he was done working on our relationship, that he wanted a divorce.
About that time I started DB'ing, and have been doing a really good job with it. I have some new meditation techniques that keep me really calm so we haven't had a fight, or even me reacting other than calmly since then. I don't ask where he is going, who he is with, if she is there etc. I've shown genuine interest in any topics he brings up and have been focusing on GAL - will be going to graduate school in the fall, started golf lessons, hanging out with friends etc. I've been focusing on only positive interactions and giving occasional sincere compliments when warranted. I have never brought up our relationship and if he does I change the subject as soon as possible.
And overall, the DBing seems to be working a bit. He is more affectionate with me, kissing me good-bye in the morning before he leaves, again when he comes home, draping an arm over me in bed and spooning with me most every morning (we still sleep in the same bed). We have been having incredible conversations in the evenings after the kids go to bed about music, movies, sports etc. He has asked me to go to the bar with mutual friends on two occasions. He has asked me several times about my meditation techniques and if that's why I'm so calm all the time. We have tickets to several concerts in July that he bought months ago and this week he asked me if I was still interested in going, which I said yes to.
Having said that, he is still moving forward with the divorce. We have had several conversations about custody of the kids and last week he consulted with a lawyer and has started the process of drawing up the paperwork for the initial petition for divorce. He keeps saying that the decision to get a divorce is a really difficult one, but that he has felt better since he made it (which of course also coincides with my DB changes) and that we are getting along better since he made his decision (again, also since I started DBing). I have been agreeable about the divorce, saying it isn't what I want but that I understand that he feels that it is the best thing to do (remember, he thought I was too controlling, not ever supportive of him, etc.).
I just don't know what to think. On a day to day basis he definitely does not act like a man who hates me so much that he wants to divorce me, that he can't imagine continuing to live with me and then on the other hand he initiates physical contact (non-sexual) and time together. Is the DBing working? Or am I just fooling myself?
waterbur
married 10 years together for 16 years two kids, ages 6 & 3 both 35 years old
