Nope, Jack, truth is, my friends tell me I'm the toughest woman they know. Lost my Mom at 14, married and pregnant at 17. Raised 4 kids mostly on my own. I simply don't know how to quit. Doesn't mean I don't entertain the notion sometimes that it would be the easier way.
As I have told my H before, divorcing you would be the easy way out. Staying married is the tough part.
Has he REALLY experienced the best of both worlds?
Or are you referring to the future possible denying him.
So far I'm thinking he has not actually experienced the BEST of both worlds.
And you seem to think that by doing this make you less of a person a doormat or something.
"Me or HER and you better pick SMARTLY Or all the Good things I COULD give you are gone!" screamed the harridan.
For the record...I only used the above line to illistrate a point. I am not calling YOU an old scolding gossipy woman.
But I wanted you to see an untasteful choice and maybe for s econd figure out how it felt.
You lose nothing by letting them sample the best of both worlds for a bit. It allows the spouse to SEE you in a GOOD light and later IF or WHEN you take it away from them...they actaully LOST something, instead of some more empty words. (from their point of view)
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Twink, There is DEFINITELY a part of me that feels EXACTLY the way you do. It's kind of an "all or nothing" mentality. And I feel very strongly about family. It's just another thing I'm trying to process before I make a decision. Thanks for your perspective!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Jack - You present some very challenging perspectives for me - and I'll admit - some I've never considered. Always considered myself as sensitive and intuitive - but this situation (and your viewpoints) have sent me spinning into a "Venus-Mars" kind of world. My slip-up on Monday was meant as punishment - these other decisions (best of both worlds or not) are really not intended that way. How am I to know what is right - I've always been told (even by H) that I am TOO tolerant, TOO accepting, etc. I know that H looks fondly on our family life - it is our M that he is disgusted with and that translates (at least in my mind) to me.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Understand that I only get view of your life that you decide to show me. Sometimes I fill in the blanks with best guesses. : )OR Assumptions. Bad, I suppose. Different word: Conculsions.
You know your Husband...normally better than anyone here. However...WE know MLC tendenccies better and what GENERALLY works better when dealing with an MLCer.
That is why if something STINGS, then you need to really look at why. I am seriously NOT trying to hurt you, I don't kick puppies on my way to work or set kitten on fire. But if I can get you to think...differntly than you have, you have a better chance of DBing correctly.
DBing is by the way for you...not saying that DBing correctly WILL save your marriage...but it will save you. My friend Drew says that, and it is true.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
"Friend" is an intersting word for me with regards to my H. Are we friends now? I would have to say yes, although he does not call me to ask how I am, to "chat" or to check on D's (he sees them once a week). What kind of friends we are remains to be seen and in large part depends on me.
What I am well aware of is this, if I choose not to be frinds with him, there is no chance of any type of relationship with him in the future. Other than possibly saying "Hi" and going to the other side of the room. This is my world and it is populated with people I know very well (myself included). Could I be wrong? Yes. This is how I choose to approach things. Does it mean I'm always "Little Miss Sunshine?" No (even though I loved the strip tease). I am very real, I just control what I respond to, how I respond to it and when (almost always now).
If I was aware of my H's PA's etc would I be? I don't know. It would depend on different factors for me. In my case, I have drawn the "conclusion" (thanks Jack ) that my H is probably seeing/f'ing someone, but he is both kind enough and smart enough to keep it away from me and our D's.
The point that Jack made about them seeing what they are missing is a good one. Does it register? In some ways I think it does. In other ways it may be used as a "rationale" for why they need to leave. This is why it is so important for you to look at yourself. Change what you don't like. This is what saves us.
I would also share that some of the changes I wanted to make early on were really in reaction to what he said. Do I still work on some of those things? Yes. They just aren't about "making him happy" anymore. Some of those things also fell by the wayside b/c I really didn't want those things for myself.
Grace - that makes a lot of sense. I have realized this week that I have convinced myself that my "resilience" has been my "healing" - and in fact - that is false. I definitely need time, sleep, exercise, quiet, etc. Thanks!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You talk about mixed messages - H calls and says to me "just wanted to see if there was anything going on that would prevent me from working an extra hour this evening?" Say what????? No - not that I know of. H asks if S and I have plans - I say not at this time. More small talk / ok he says "I'll call after work." FF to after work - no call but does text S to ask what was going on. S texts invite to dinner - H replies "no not tonight" Good Lord - no wonder you have to detach - it's in it's out it's up it's down - the MLC Dance!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
