The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Thanks Thinker. Really, I don't feel the need to do much with her right now. My guess is that she will take that next step even if I do nothing. I can't think of anything that can really be done that is to my kid's advantage nor to my detriment, so I see no reason to really do much right now. I do have to get a lawyer arranged, but I don't feel like that has to be immediate. I suspect I'll have to have one by next month, because I think she'll try to move out. That sets in motion a bunch of legal things I'll need to be concerned about, but even then I'm not terribly concerned. There really and honestly is not much more she can do to hurt me short of physical or to do something to the kids. I really am at that point where I feel lazy towards this situation. There is nothing to do to change it, and I've come this far. I see no benefit in fighting back to beat her down. She plays enough stuff in her head about me that I can honestly do nothing and she'll still think I did from what I have seen. I don't know. I don't talk to her really. I say hello but that's about it and only if I have to. I don't feel the need to do anything else.

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm not concerned and totally at peace with myself. I'm concerned about my kids but I realize I can only control my actions and that's what I intend to do. Everything else is inconsequential and pretty much burned away. Finances will be as best they can but it will be a big hit. I don't care about money anyway, so that's not a big deal. The house has to be sold - that's a done deal. Everything else is just material and can be rebuilt or repurchased over time. I want new memories anyway, so most of the household goods I take will likely be sold anyway to finance the new things I need/want after the move and subsequent divorce.

It was the emotional connection I hung onto. The love I had for her. I've had to consciously let that go over the past years and especially the past months since I agreed to not fight her on the divorce.

It haunted me for a long time when the MC told me that I'll be done and she'll make up her mind then. I think the follow on conversation was around how she won't remember it as her walking away. She'll protect herself and those thoughts will be buried deeply and walled off most likely. I think that's the case. I don't see her ever seeing this as something she decided to do. I think she had to protect herself and I don't fault her for that. She made her decisions regarding how to handle her feelings and that is really just that. The end. No more to it than that. Regardless of why. I see no reason to befriend her right now. Everytime I do, she tries her very best to hurt me in anyway she can. I have taken the approach of letting go so as to stop that. It went on for several years both before the bomb and after. I won't let her hurt me any longer. And to do that I cannot be friends with her. Nor do I really want to any longer. I am not a masochist.

Anyway, thanks for helping me get those thoughts out. I still do treat her cordially and well. I say used and abused, but really I allow it so it's not all her. I choose now to not allow it the mean and nasty behavior. That's all I have energy for at the moment regarding her.

AJ