PMA: Can you take a short vacation, NM? Something within a day's drive, bring a friend, tour museums, etc? I know you did something similar a while back, but it might be time for another one!
Thanks guys! I think the issue is that yesterday, the custody class paperwork arrived in the mail. One envelope for me, one for stbxh. I left it in his pile. Then I asked him "you're getting a change of address this weekend, right?" and he said "well yes. I will." or something like that.
Then he is moving this weekend. I am going to purge his stuff this weekend. It will be a necessary but tough weekend. It will be sad. No getting around it. I know I won't be sad forever. But this still sucks!
And I do lots of things--work out, visit friends, take S to zoo or museum or park or swimming or tumbling, take classes, watch TV, see movies, ai yai yai! I will be ok but am just in a bad mood! grrrrr!
here is something I found looking through research articles about divorce and remarriage- about rebound dating! it is only an abstract:
Abstract Self-help books often advise readers to avoid rushing into new relationships after a break-up. To date, there is little evidence supporting this recommendation. This paper tests the effects of rebound time, measured as time elapsed between marital dissolution and the formation of a new union, on remarriage duration. Data from the first wave of the National Survey of Families and Households and generalized additive models reveal no evidence of a rebound effect. This finding holds after adjusting for various demographic differences between respondents.
Does the Rebound Effect Exist? Time to Remarriage and Subsequent Union Stability Author: Nicholas H. Wolfingera Affiliation: a Department of Family and Consumer Studies, University of Utah, Salt Lake City, UT, USA
DOI: 10.1300/J087v46n03_02 Publication Frequency: 8 issues per year Published in: Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, Volume 46, Issue 3 & 4 February 2007 , pages 9 - 20
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
It is sad. I am going thru the same thing right now. There is no escaping the sadness.
NM- don't pack up his stuff for him. He wants the D..let him sift thru all your memories along with you...it is painful. I have been crying for two days...brief..hard cries that come out of left field.
Start thinking about how you can make some changes to the house to make it feel like yours..instead of 'ours'. Maybe some new paint colors, add some plants, move the furniture around.
Keeping busy is a great thing...but allow yourself the opportunity to just cry. I admire all the women/men that are left caring for children while going thru this process. I can become a shut-in..eat ice cream 3x a day...and sit in silence while not at work...and it is still awful some days. It shows such great strength...putting others needs before your own...wearing a smile on your face when you just feel like crying. It should make you feel good.
Interesting article about the rebound relationship...I guess it depends on what issues existed in the R that you are exiting. If you haven't had time to reflect on them...you are just going to carry them over to the next one. If you haven't had time to heal from the previous R pain...something in the new R may trigger a stronger emotional reaction than what's warranted.
On the flip side, it is nice to have someone admire you and long for you after such a period of rejection...a companion..someone to share your day/life with. It is even nicer to be able to not have that and still feel good and satisfied.
My H and I were supposed to do it together and then he took off on a vacation with his GF (that HER brother paid for) and let me know via e-mail. Anger does not begin to cover it, lol!
I packed his stuff alright! LOL! I was actually very nice about it. I packed it by category and wrapped it all very nicely. And I used NEON pink labeling tags.
When he returned I piled up his stuff in the hall and told him to come get it.
It would be much easier to pack all of his stuff...it guarantees a quick exit.
For some reason I felt very strongly about not packing up his stuff. I felt like I mothered my H alot- cooked, cleaned, etc. I decided on a new approach.
Grown man..made grown up choices...pack your own bags.
I just hated looking at his clothes in the closet everyday, reminding me that he was gone. So I packed up all of that and put it in our joint storage unit. I took all my stuff out of storage and brought it back to MY house. I also divided up a bunch of our towels, kitchen stuff, etc and put it in the storage unit. Sure it probably softened the blow for him of having to do it himself, but I know he would never have bothered. I swear he would have just gone out and gotten all new clothes and stuff for his new house. I wanted to do it all before the D was finalized, while I was in a good, strong state of mind. Better that than trying to do it once the D was final and I was sobbing...
I wonder if they looked at people that worked on themselves during the lull of relationship time. I really think there is a difference if you can accept some responsibility in the situation as to leave it all to the WAS. Broken people trying to create new relationships...seems like a no brainer to me.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I don't think the WAS does see any changes during this time....at least not while the OW/OM is still in the picture. They have made a decision and need to continue to validate the decision that they made and the actions that they have taken.
Or at least they won't admit to it.
Perhaps when the other relationship ends..they can look back and see them.
I remember during my H affair..he explained some things he wasn't happy with. I changed the ones that I could...and at least tried to change the ones that I couldn't control...it just seemed like the list kept changing.
During our separation..and while deciding on the D- he said that he did notice the changes but it was too late. I think a lot of people go into panic mode and do try to make those changes that the WAS requests...especially when an A is revealed. If the WAS is heavily involved with OW/OM...they aren't really looking to improve the M..they are just validating why they are leaving.
Going through this whole ordeal..really does force you to take a look at your life..and re-evaluate. The best part about the separation...it really gives you the opportunity to change not only what the WAS wants you to change...but it gives you the opportunity to change what YOU don't like about yourself...
It makes you realize how you were operating on auto-pilot...IMO.
It is sad. I am going thru the same thing right now. There is no escaping the sadness.
NM- don't pack up his stuff for him. He wants the D..let him sift thru all your memories along with you...it is painful. I have been crying for two days...brief..hard cries that come out of left field.
The problem is that at this point, I feel strongly that I have to FACE this and deal with it or else I will be stuck in misery longer. He took his time deciding to divorce me so I can see him taking his time to come and get the stuff and it is holding me back from detaching! And like BobbiJo said- seeing his stuff around the house is just hard...it is a reminder that he isn't here.
Start thinking about how you can make some changes to the house to make it feel like yours..instead of 'ours'. Maybe some new paint colors, add some plants, move the furniture around.
Totally! I want to get a new comforter and change the bedroom for one. I have other ideas but also am not planning on living in the house for longer than another year so it doesn't seem worth it to me to repaint certain rooms. But I can decorate differently! Dang- I wish I hadn't blown my savings on who knows what. I still have 50% left but I think subconsciously I really thought we would reconcile!
Keeping busy is a great thing...but allow yourself the opportunity to just cry. I think we might be on the same wavelength!
I admire all the women/men that are left caring for children while going thru this process. I can become a shut-in..eat ice cream 3x a day...and sit in silence while not at work...and it is still awful some days. It shows such great strength...putting others needs before your own...wearing a smile on your face when you just feel like crying. It should make you feel good.
Thank you. But I won't lie...I have cried in front of S. Luckily he is a baby. I feel guilty because I remember telling my SIL (when she was devestated from her divorce)to find the strength to not break down in front of her boys. They were 7 and 8 at the time. Now I see that there are times when it just overwhelms you and it doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing- you will cry! Fortunately, I was motivated to get help via anti-depressants and counseling. It has helped a lot!
Interesting article about the rebound relationship...I guess it depends on what issues existed in the R that you are exiting. If you haven't had time to reflect on them...you are just going to carry them over to the next one. If you haven't had time to heal from the previous R pain...something in the new R may trigger a stronger emotional reaction than what's warranted. I think this is what Kat was referring to. And I was curious about the article but it was $30! I dont' think so. Just the fact that some research out there said "rebounding isn't necessarily a bad thing" was suprising to me so I posted it here!
On the flip side, it is nice to have someone admire you and long for you after such a period of rejection...a companion..someone to share your day/life with. It is even nicer to be able to not have that and still feel good and satisfied.
lola, like you did, I am going to write a list of affirmations this weekend. One being "I am complete all by myself." "I am responsible for my own happiness." The strange thing is that although logically I know that I won't be alone forever, I keep picturing my future as ME and MY SON...half the time. I don't know where this visual is coming from!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
