The thing is OPTI, as pup said you need to make some hard decisions about how you want to attack this... pup and I almost always reccomend addressing the infidelity, the ADDICTION first... not the underlying marital problems...
Read the Holes in the Roof article above.. Penny explains it much better than I can...
You need to decide if you agree with Penny above, or if you think being nice and waiting this out is going to solve this problem long term. Many spouses try the act nice and they get a MUCH MORE PLEASANT ACCICT in the home, and they think "hey things are getting better.." a year later they are miserable becuase their spouse is STILL cheating and THEY suddently realize they are being taken for a PAINFUL RIDE down DOORMAT LANE...
Its up to you Opti... tough choices I know... been there.. I did the mr nice guy for over a year before I started to play hard ball... I wasted a YEAR aiming my guns in the wrong direction...
Ok, so I’m getting served papers in the next 10 days(if not 3), she is moving out at end of month, and they are talking M?
I will send those stories to people, hopefully they will turn up the heat a bit.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
Don't just send things out in email... visit, educate people... no one is going to act on you sending those out in an email and sitting around at home.. you have to get OUT there
Stop focussing on what SHE is doing and start planning on what YOU are doing ...
Her BF is totally on the “She’s adamant about her decision”, and is not going to be of any help at this point. W is picking women around the community that I don’t know to befriend, and will have one of them serve me. She refuses to have any interactions with her dad, MIL, or Brother(east coast). My family even if they could get to her to talk, she would not listen and try to run out of the room, house, and city.
Her dad had an affair that wrecked the family, yet stuck in M for 8-10 years being miserable, even went to IC, but no help, and I think he see’s this as the same, if W comes back, the home will be miserable,” she’s a grown woman”, and can make own decisions. MIL’s first M was killed by XH A/MLC, which she thinks is still going on because he’s on his 4th M since her. W will not talk to her step mom on it, period.
I will try to approach her BF with stories, and see what reaction I get. MIL already has and says, only person you can change is yourself.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
Update: W has rented a home in the neighborhood and will be moving in Thursday. We still haven’t talked with D14 or D8, yet I know that W has spoke about it with D14, we will do official talk tonight or tomorrow morning with her, and then the tough talk with D8 soon after that.
I did ask her to describe what SHE would say, and reminded her that this is not a ‘we’ thing, but it is her choice and it will need to be put across that way by her, or she knows I will correct it immediately. She used the word ‘separate’ not D, so I inquired where she sat on that subject, and she replied ‘I don’t know right now, but I also don’t want to put our lives on hold’. Lease on other home is 12 months(if she wasn’t lying).
OM will not be helping her move, she lined up 3-4 other mom’s to help her, and as she did 5 years ago, taking only a few things. I will be working 12 hours that day, but will drop by to make sure OM and/or his friends are not around.
I have not been served any papers, and she says I won’t be, that we will go more civilly than that to save money on attorney fees if we head down the D road. She will have to do all of it, I am conferring often with my L to make sure I’m ready for whatever happens. Unfortunately I sense that she will serve me, as soon as she is comfortable in the other house. (I hate being a pessimist)
I have very little interaction with her at this time, she sleeps elsewhere in the house if she is at the house. She has stopped the contact with OM in and around house(hopefully also when I’m not present).
Allen and Puppy, I’m truly trying to do what will work for the M, the OM is her drug, and she will do anything to get it right now. I have no effect except negative right now, so I am concentrating on my interactions with DD’s to make sure they know I am there for them. I apologize for not having a stronger approach, I have tried to institute a lot of what you’ve recommended, please don’t give up on me, I still need the encouragement - lest I totally fail in all respects, and get everything wrong.
PS - her BF will not interact with me at this time, outside of saying 'hi' and other very small talk.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
Opti I do NOT reccomend leaving your wife to explain the situation without you there to police her story.. she IS addicted and WILL LIE... you don't want a debate about what she said and you said and allt aht... put EVERYONE in teh ROOM so EVERYONE hears teh SAME DAMN STORY
Who said he wouldn't be there?? He said "we," and said he would correct her immediately if she didn't own it, and even asked her ahead of time what she planned to say.
Sounds to me like he's doing it all the right way, Allen.
