The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
The running buddy didn't make it. I figured that might happen. He is a flake, but I suspect there's a little more to it than that. That's ok, I need to clean this part of my garbage out. Not sure why, but I feel like it's time.
My daughter is starting to show her anger. I take that to indicate two things: She is noticing my changes and she feels safe to start expressing her anger and frustration. I know that's a good thing, but it is hard to see. I have to trust that it will be ok and I've also started reaching out to find help dealing with it. My son has not yet started to really act out his frustration and anger, but I think he doesn't yet know the full impact. Daughter sees it a bit more readily.

Life is truly good to me. The possibilities are opening up faster and faster. I suspect they have been there all along, but I have been buried in such a way I could not see them. That fog is lifting/lifted. It is still painful, but becoming less painful and more positive.

Still, there is a small part of me that wishes for the 11th hour save. I know that won't happen. I don't know that I really want it to as much as I like a happy ending. The happy ending in this case is going to be me writing it. I like that. Just part of the letting go and acceptance phase I think. Having to live in the same house is really putting a slowdown on the process I think. Causes a lot of confusion for the kids. Can't be helped.

STBX - I do notice things. It's my nature and since we live in the same house I do notice things. I notice she is keeping her distance and tends to hum when around me. I suspect I know now what that is about - I think it's like a child that is trying to block out thoughts by covering their ears and humming to themselves. She does the same when around me. It's weird, but it is what it is. I notice she is drinking more - I have to watch that because I cannot let her put the kids in danger. She also is noticing that I've changed. I had to ask myself have I changed or not. I have. When I think about her I have a hard time feeling like I care about her. I suspect I do a little still but more like I care for any of God's critters - I don't want to see bad things happen to her, but I don't really care much either way. Seems a little odd, but I don't have much in the way of feelings towards her any longer. When I look inside, they are just gone.
Anger is what I need to some degree. To be able to deal with the legal issues. But I don't even have that. Just nothing but some fond memories and the knowledge that the person living in my house and taking advantage of me looks like somebody I used to know. Reminds me of a past, deep love.

AJ