Sorry to hear of your set-back. I am pulling so hard for you. Your situation is just like mine and your success will give me great hope. I have already learned a lot from you. Thanks for sharing!
Isn't "she thinks she loves me" better than I don't love you anymore?
I'm not sure about MC. Maybe it was just our counselor or her unwillingness to work on it, but I think it just made things worse. I also read some books that didn't help my situation, but I thought they had good exercises in them for couples BOTH willing to work on the relationship. They were "Couple Skills" and "Getting the Love you Want". I also read Men are from Mars and the 5 Love Languages and liked those too. There should be required reading for all newly married couples that include books like these. Unfortunately, in my case, these are the books that told me to buy gifts, send flowers, give hugs, cuddle, tell her your feelings, etc. In my case, those were the absolute WRONG things to do. She even told me to stop, but I didn't and drove her to file for D. Now I have stopped. Completely. I just hope it isn't too late.
Do your MC's give you exercises to work on? Mine didn't. Just keep taking about the same stuff over and over. Since I had read all these books, every time I went to see him he told me that I had done more reasearch than he had recently, so he wasn't going to assign any reading. Unfortunately, my wife only read parts of these books and she didn't get assigned anything either. She said about all of the books, they didn't apply to her, they wouldn't help, she didn't need to do exercises, they annoyed her, maybe if I would have done these things 5 years ago it would have made a difference.
Sorry to rant, but you may want to try one of the first 2 books if you are both serious. Cood commuinication and needs expression exercises. I am hoping that I can put them to good use with my W one day.
I tried to follow the advice on here and keep things light and tell her that I didn't know the answer
Maybe you are a bit confused about keeping things "light" and telling her you don't know the answer.
If she thought you did not take her talk seriously, then perhaps you were trying to act too cheerfully while she was talking? Keeping things "light" is the over-all mood to try to have around the home, but if she approaches you with serious issues such as her willing to do anything to save the M,.....that's not the time to act "light" about the subject.
Whenever you realize you've stepped backward, just pick up and move forward again. Learn from your mistakes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We both kinda threw a hissy fit, it was mainly my fault. When my W reached out to me I took it with a grain of salt. I've heard the "I want to work on the marriage" speech before.
I didn't want to let my guard down and I wasn't very inviting to the idea of working on things. She told me she was willing to do anything to save this. Anyway, long story short. We got onto the D talk again, she started setting limits on custody, support, etc........
I got angry but didn't blow up.... I told her that this is why i didn't take her save the marriage speech seriously because I feel like a Yo Yo... One day you want the M the other you don't.
The conversation ended with me apologizing for not taking the conversation seriously. She still wants to go to the MC on Sat morning. She wants to talk about it tonight when she gets home from work.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Coach and I had a moment like this, too, when we were very early on moving to patching it up. Everything had been going along ok, moving in positive directions...but I spoke without thinking, set him off, and he left me sitting in a restaurant by myself. Both of us lost the vision.
And the sun came up the next day.
And he DBd me some more. And I made up a little lost ground. And he did, too. And we both learned lessons that we banked for later. And here we are.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I need to hold my tongue sometimes when she tries to push. She mentioned to me that she only pushes back when i push her first. This is 100% true... I don't know why I do it but I feel bad afterwards....
Anyway, she will be home tonight to talk about this and we'll see how it goes. We've spoke of the OM and she said if we are going to work on us she will cut off contact with OM. She has to deal with him at work but she said she will address it.
She constantly reminds me that he is a friend and the only reason she contacted him again is when i filed for D. My W doesn't have many friends that aren't mutual friends of mine so some of this makes sense but doesn't make it right.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
As I mentioned months ago we stopped wearing our wedding rings, we stopped hugging, kissing, sex, etc......
There has been no affection at all. Now that she seems to be on board and wants to work on things. When is the appropriate time to start introducing these things back into our marriage.
I know it's early, but do I just wait for her to initiate.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
For the past month I've really been preparing myself for D. I've detached myself from her as much as I could. Now that she wants to work on things I feel like I should be reaching out to her more.
I'm feeling my insecurities kicking back in and I don't like the way i feel right now. I should be feeling good that she wants to work on things but I feel more anxiety now then I did.
I know her feelings for me didn't change overnight. Do I keep doing what I was doing with my 180's and GAL???? Incorporate some family time in there, I certainly don't want to rush anything and push her away now.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
