Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Babydoll]

Just to clarify some facts in my sitch- the only reason stbxh stayed with me after the birth was because of pre-arranged paternity leave. It was not for our relationship and I never was led to believe he was leaving OW. He only admitted to considering reconciliation.

Oh wow. thanks for the clarification. I can't help but compare and reference our sitches... I admire your stregnth and really value your opinion since you went through it... and now piano and gatsby too.

But here's the thing- other marriage counselors out there say this- if the initial motivation to come back is FOR the baby, then at least he is coming back! And then the 2 of you reconnect and the initial reason was just a jumping board so to speak.
But guilt tripping him and using the baby is not a good idea! He will resent you for it (IMO). Not that you would do that!

Wow, never heard that. I know MWD says Children are a reason for parents to work things out... and I couldnt agree more. I definitely can not guilt trip him. not really my style anyway i do think if he did it for the wrong reasons he wouldnt be happy, and we'd be right back where we are now. That scares me too. Whole other story...

And about letting him be the father-- well remember, BD, that he wants to be a "part time" dad. I really wish I had put this into perspective for my stbxh. Part time dads get to be with their child, well, part time! Hey, it is what he wants! SOunds harsh, but it will help set your son up for your son's reality as well, you know?

Very true! this is the part where i dont think H will accept or like. But reality is he will be a part time father. He set himself up for this! not me!

[newmama]

Do you suggest I come up with a parenting plan rather than let him decide whats best.

YES! You can see if your county has a website for drafts of parenting plans-- mine was on my county's court website under family law.

And you can tell him it is a draft.And make sure you cite where you got it. Might want to leave some wiggle room...agree to add some more hours or something. In my case (after paternity leave was up), WH was here 7 days per week, 2 of the days for 7 hours at a time. Then he scaled back to 6 days and eventually 5 days. BUt you see- it was A LOT of time! The parenting plan was originally 2-3 days, 2-3 hours at a time for the first few months and then it increased from there.So much for that plan!

if he scoffs and tries to say "but he is my son, too! I deserve to see him as much as I can! He needs to know I am his father!" well...I bet you can think of some "tough love" responses to those comments can't you? lol!

Again, I found that by finally explaining to stbxh that S, myself and stbxh need to experience the reality of our life...so that I can detach, so that S gets used to the way it will be and this will be "his norm" and that it is still more than the legal recommendation...well stbxh couldn't disagree with any of it!

Oh and do note that Piano and Gatsby both (and me too) had soft hearts about wanting our Hs to get to be with their babies as much as possible. I point it out because you may PLAN to only let your H visit for a short while but once your son is born, all that goes out the window! And you know, you might want to let him see him a lot at first and THEN say "ok we really need to stick to the parenting plan now." I hope I didn't confuse you too much!!

[gatsby11]

Oh and do note that Piano and Gatsby both (and me too) had soft hearts about wanting our Hs to get to be with their babies as much as possible. I point it out because you may PLAN to only let your H visit for a short while but once your son is born, all that goes out the window! And you know, you might want to let him see him a lot at first and THEN say "ok we really need to stick to the parenting plan now." I hope I didn't confuse you too much!!

I totally agree! I'm letting WH do whatever right now. But at some point (probably after his family reunion which ends July 6) we will need to have a plan.

I guess just see how it goes, BD, since you don't know what things will be like after the birth! But I'd imagine it'd be more of the same since he's so present now.

[Babydoll]

JUST VENTING:

I think what is happening is that for me, I am always wishing and hoping for him to come back and change his mind, while try to convince myself that i can handle it if he doesn't. I put too much emphasis into everything i do and say and read into everything he does and says and am always looking for something to go off of... something to show me he wants back. For me i feel like i have a ticking clock around my belly, and sadly am using the birth, or the baby or the idea of a 'family' to win his heart back.

For him, I think, he went through this phase of detaching and falling out of love with me a long time ago. When he left, it was because he was confident and sure of his feelings, or lack thereof. the day of separation was liberating for him because he released all emotion and baggage and detached completely. I think the past six months were okay for him, because he backed off thinking i needed the space to get over him. That he thought by leaving when I was 3 months PG, would give me enough time to grieve and be accepting of him back into my life or the baby's by now, 6 months later, for the arrival of the boy. Everything he does is purely for the baby, the prep work around the house, being kind to me, and sadly he is just being his normal self... up until him leaving me, everything thought he was perfect. so he doesnt love me or want me in his life... does it make him an awful person. No. just the way he handled did, how he left did. If he left me and I wasnt pregnant, would it be as awful of a sitch? Would people be judging him this way? Or would he just get away with I wasnt happy... and people would say its for the best, your both still young move on...I'm sure they would.

i dont think the birth will bring him back. i dont think the boy will make him want to be a family. He accepts that his family is himself and the baby. he clearly doesnt need me. i think he is happy with his life, even if it is being a part-time father. Maybe he doesnt care because he'd rather have a new wife and a family to share with her. So why invest your time in this child. I think maybe he doesnt want to share this first baby experience with me b/c he is aving it to share with someone he loves someday. And he will be in love with her and adore her when she is pregnant. I think it is easy for him to be around me and care for me as a person, not a wife, and to do nice things for me, but none of it means he cares enough to want to be my husband. I need to just face it... this is the guy who wanted to start a family with me and hugged me and kissed me and held me at night and then woke up one day and said ILYBINILWY. In a matter of hours... everything changed. So he probably feels the same now as he did then... that he is caring and doing nice things but none of which are because he wants to be married to me.

I need to just accept that this is my life. That we are getting divorced. He wont take the papers, I literally handed them to him. He refused them, said b/c its not his priority, but then again he doesnt stop them? I think its because he is selfish, and I told him he is waiting to see me happy and content and in love with the baby and then he will bring them up when he is ready to knock me down and crush me again. Why else wait? Or so that he doesnt look like the guy who fnished filing for them right before I gave birth? Why hold off... I know, because I've asked, that is has nothing to do with not wanting the divorce. I think he lied about thinking it could be a mistake... this excuse just bought him time. Just saved his ass a bit so that he could be involved with his son. D paper or no D papers, whether he is my H or not, this baby is still his. I am not going through a legal custody battle. I refuse to. H agrees and frankly its because I think he is okay just visting. Some sick part of him likes me crying over him and holding a candle over him.

bottom line is, its enough... ive had enough... cant fight for someone who will never change. I shouldnt have to wish for him to love me. Why should I be chasing after someone who doesnt love me enough to TRY! Or why should I want to be with someone who stopped loving me for one second in time and had such severe doubts of our marriage that he left me, his unborn child and filed for divorce.

I need to keep reminding myself that he filed for divorce because he was sure he didnt love me. It's over. There is nothing left to fight for. Our marriage has been over for a while. Why can't I just accept that. Why do i need to stare at rejection over and over.

I know it's over. It's over. There is nothing left.

I need to move on. have the baby and plan my life as a single mother. Need to grow up and see things for what they are.

Piano, you asked me to step outside the relationship and look from the outside in... i would think hey, he obviously doesnt care, so end it. If he came back now, it would never be for you, the baby only. He hasnt loved you for a long while. He lied to you for so long, you dont even know when it started that he didnt love you. You will never get the truth from him, never forgive him entirely, never love him the same and never feel loved by him the same. So accept that it's over. It's been over.

I've just been too stupid or hopeful or romantically retarded to accept it.

But today, I think I need to start looking at my life differently. As a a divorce mother.

it is what it is.

he knows it.

I now do too.

[Piano]

BD, we know nothing for sure about what your WH's real "intentions" are. Speculating drives you (us all) nuts. Worse, it's feeding your sense of hopelessness about your own sitch because it makes you feel like you can't control what is happening to you.

I am an onlooker to your sitch, and I'm not as hopeless as you are today about your chances of reconcilliation with WH. But you gotta get smart about attracting him back. You need to start acting like someone who believes this and therefore who commands his respect. You do this by drawing boundaries and you enforce them in a classy manner.

[Piano]

[quote]! The parenting plan was originally 2-3 days, 2-3 hours at a time for the first few months and then it increased from there.

Just wanted to throw in that by week 3 & 4, WH's visits to our baby were limited to 1hr (twice weekly) because baby's feeding patterns were such that she would need to be breastfed around about every 1.5hrs..and because I emotionally could not handle having WH there for longer.

What's best for you is also best for baby. Don't consider WH too much in the beginning. For those first 6 weeks, you and baby need a stress-free routine and need to bond.

[Piano]

]And about letting him be the father-- well remember, BD, that he wants to be a "part time" dad. I really wish I had put this into perspective for my stbxh. Part time dads get to be with their child, well, part time! Hey, it is what he wants! SOunds harsh, but it will help set your son up for your son's reality as well, you know?

Very true! this is the part where i dont think H will accept or like. But reality is he will be a part time father. He set himself up for this! not me!

He has to accept it. It's what he chose. Too bad if he doesn't like it.

[Babydoll]

BD, we know nothing for sure about what your WH's real "intentions" are.

Sure we do... He filed for divorce. Its not an easy thing to do, especially when your XW if PG. They say Love is the strongest emotion; can you imagine how much stronger of an emotion he felt to have filed so confidently and quickly. His only intention is to be divorced and share the baby.

I appreciate your hopes, but I feel they are simply b/c you, me and every LBS on here is always hoping for R for someone. Always looking for the silver lining. I know there is nothing I can do to make him think of coming back.

I am pretty sure if I back off and not let him take part, create a schedule of visitation, boundaries, anything to create distance between me and him, he would accept it. When he first left, and I didn't speak to him, or avoided him, etc. He was okay with it. He even sent me divorce papers via certified mail b/c at that point I had NC w/ him and he still wanted to serve me. He didn't even care. He says he knows its all part of the territory. When I mention the PT dad thing or step parents or him not being allowed to see the baby whenever he feels like, he sulks and says he understands bc I need to do what it takes to accept things. He is an awful and trulyy horrible for what he did. But not stupid about reality.

I know you mean well and I thank you for your positive vibes. I'm sorry to be so pitiful and drabby. I just don't think my sitch has any more hope than anyone else on here. Just b/c there is no OW doesn't make it easier. In fact, thos LBS who have a WH w/ LBS have gone through the stages of anger/hurt/ acceptance of the OW, I still prepare myself everyday for it. Let's be real... A 31 male doesn't leave his wife and child because he just wants to be single! Of course he wants to date, I asked him, he says yes, eventually. Meaning what? After the baby is born? Or when he starts working next month and makes crazy money, and can now afford his own place, and to take her out! I'm no naïve to reality. This is the end of my rope.

I need to find some books on closure, acceptance, ending relationships. Having the baby will be even harder b/c I think it is a reality that I am a single mom. He is and will not be there. He never ever in the past 6 months ever changed his mind.

Honestly, its just me who is in denial for so long. I honestly thought time, and relief from the pressure of school and the baby couldve helped him find his way back.

I need to do this now. And not in a month when the baby is here and still am in the same boat w H. Or instead wait until I find out about OW.

Thanks Piano, but it is what it is. A divorce. The finale.

[DaddyLongShanks]

BD, we know nothing for sure about what your WH's real "intentions" are.

Sure we do... He filed for divorce. Its not an easy thing to do, especially when your XW if PG. They say Love is the strongest emotion; can you imagine how much stronger of an emotion he felt to have filed so confidently and quickly. His only intention is to be divorced and share the baby.

I appreciate your hopes, but I feel they are simply b/c you, me and every LBS on here is always hoping for R for someone. Always looking for the silver lining. I know there is nothing I can do to make him think of coming back.

I am pretty sure if I back off and not let him take part, create a schedule of visitation, boundaries, anything to create distance between me and him, he would accept it. When he first left, and I didn't speak to him, or avoided him, etc. He was okay with it. He even sent me divorce papers via certified mail b/c at that point I had NC w/ him and he still wanted to serve me. He didn't even care. He says he knows its all part of the territory. When I mention the PT dad thing or step parents or him not being allowed to see the baby whenever he feels like, he sulks and says he understands bc I need to do what it takes to accept things. He is an awful and trulyy horrible for what he did. But not stupid about reality.

I know you mean well and I thank you for your positive vibes. I'm sorry to be so pitiful and drabby. I just don't think my sitch has any more hope than anyone else on here. Just b/c there is no OW doesn't make it easier. In fact, thos LBS who have a WH w/ LBS have gone through the stages of anger/hurt/ acceptance of the OW, I still prepare myself everyday for it. Let's be real... A 31 male doesn't leave his wife and child because he just wants to be single! Of course he wants to date, I asked him, he says yes, eventually. Meaning what? After the baby is born? Or when he starts working next month and makes crazy money, and can now afford his own place, and to take her out! I'm no naïve to reality. This is the end of my rope.

I need to find some books on closure, acceptance, ending relationships. Having the baby will be even harder b/c I think it is a reality that I am a single mom. He is and will not be there. He never ever in the past 6 months ever changed his mind.

Honestly, its just me who is in denial for so long. I honestly thought time, and relief from the pressure of school and the baby couldve helped him find his way back.

I need to do this now. And not in a month when the baby is here and still am in the same boat w H. Or instead wait until I find out about OW.

Thanks Piano, but it is what it is. A divorce. The finale.

Ask him what is the big deal about being single?

[newmama]

ok BD. I won't talk you out of it. I know you talked about The Secret but we can't control other people, just our actions.

Now as a kid, what worked for me, was to have low expectations and not expect good things to happen. That way, I wasn't disappointed. And some days I wish that I had that attitude about stbxh long ago, like you do now. It might actually be more emotionally helpful to plan for the worst AND NOT HOPE FOR THE BEST!

And I do recommend that you find single parent groups on meetup or some other way. Because it has been so helpful and comforting to me and I bet the other divorcees on here.

This is sad and horrible. It will be hard. I won't lie. But we all have different "crosses" to bear! And it won't be hard every day forever! Just the next couple of years.

And these days, marriages are so disposable and divorces are a dime a dozen that I bet remarrying your ex is more common, too. I am going to look it up.