What I said wasn't fact (that I know of) but it pretty common.
If there is an OW/OM involved a few things have already happened that sadly, we were not made aware of until after the fact. Our spouses spent months silently detaching from us (in most cases while we were living under the same roof and not having a clue). They detached in the most "safe" and "comfortable" way possible. It was by choice, not force.
OW/OM is waiting in the wings. There are no problems with the new person and the love chemicals are flowing. So, you have a detached spouse that detached silently on THEIR timeline and something new and fun waiting for them with open arms.
Take a person who is detached and "in love" and it's not all that easy to be a part of that. IMO of course. You (general you) are very old news at that point and the rewriting of history has already been done. IMO you can be as open and honest and as f'ing fabulous as one person can be but you won't be "new" and your spouse put you out of his heart and mind LONG ago.
It's horrible. Even worse when the WAS is extra nice to you so you will eventually get on board with the divorce and things will wrap up all neat and pretty in a box. And because you actually love this beast of a person you start to think things are turning around and in most cases they are not.
I have never stopped being a friend to my H. But he stopped being my friend a long time ago. Anything legal I did was allowable by law (and I could have taken things much farther but chose not to). But I sure as hell was not going to be bust my ass being his BFF and hang out with him and eat salsa and chips while he watched the clock to make sure he wasn't late for his date with OW. So yeah, in that regard I am a hard ass but I don't suggest ANYBODY work like hell to be a friend to somebody that cheated and left. Be polite, deal with them when you have to and remove yourself from that equation. 'Cause the more you work to *be* part of the equation, the more you will hurt.
If my H really wanted to be my friend he only had to do one simple thing... stop lying. All he had to do was look at me ONE TIME and say "I'm sorry" and NOT follow it with a "but". That would be step 1. I don't care for him to bring me dinner and or text me when he is thinking of me during a nostalgic time. All of that is pure crap. That is not how you put back together something that was shredded. And you especially can't do that when the "shredder" gives you time then goes home to OW.
Maybe that makes me a bitch (well, that and other things but NO, NO and NO again. I might not be much but I damn sure know I am better than *that*. And so are all of you.
I cried tonight and that is fine. Our 11 yr annivesary is Sat. and it does make me feel sad. But not sad enough to be a "friend" to the man who cheated on me. Because if you really are sorry you don't keep doing the same thing over and over again. Right?
Also... try not to mention your situation re:residency or citizenship to your friends/ acquaintances over in that country... including your lawyer. (some may turn a blind eye but this is against the law) I know of someone who was stripped of her residency status and she thinks one of her friends dobbed her in, not her partner. Once the immigration is notified, you won't have any hard evidence to support your situation and they won't sympathize... since it's so hard to detect the 'real' M from 'fake'. Try to keep the residency/citizenship detail (ie your H sponsoring you although you're separated) off public forums like this as well Piano, it's just not worth it... be really cautious with this, protect yourself and your baby!
CityGirl, you're so right: it is horrible to see your WAS silently, but oh so persistently, detaching from you. I saw it happening for months since the beginning of the year yet kept hoping it was "just a phase" or a downtime for spouse. But while I was trying to keep an M going, he was cutting off ties, one snip at a time. By the time I actually realized he was dropping a bomb on me, he had distanced himself big-time.
Not sure if there's a PA or EA or simply an MLC to blame, but I agree with you: I can't be "just friends" with someone who's decided to ditch his wife and kids after almost 20 years. We -- not just me -- deserve a helluva lot more than that.
Forgot to add Piano... there is also the Hague Convention law re: your baby. Mums that I know with ex partners from overseas try to keep it amicable as much as possible, so that the partners will readily agree for the child to be brought up in mum's country. (and have them sign a paper that states so) If he turns nasty and wants to fight to bring the child back to Europe, you know the consequences, you hear similar stories at times. I don't want to scare you but before DBing it's important to cover the laws. You must be seething inside to keep being friendly to H but set your eyes on what's most important! :-)
every once in a while I just get hit between the eyes with the thought, "Where the bleep did this come from? Is this really happening?" I still feel like I've been hit by a truck sometimes, and my situation (out of house separation) has been going on for a few months now.
Happens to me at least once daily and I am nearly 7 months in. When it hits I now tell myself to face the brutal reality and that I can handle it. Before I used to let the pain have its way with me. And of course, there are times I just cannot control the grief.
Forgot to add Piano... there is also the Hague Convention law re: your baby. Mums that I know with ex partners from overseas try to keep it amicable as much as possible, so that the partners will readily agree for the child to be brought up in mum's country. (and have them sign a paper that states so) If he turns nasty and wants to fight to bring the child back to Europe, you know the consequences, you hear similar stories at times
Dont see how he could do this if she is born here & he's the one who left? Even if she holds dual nationality...
Being reponsible for my own feelings and happiness & starting to imagine a life without him. It's happening at snails pace and only when I am away from him and feeling detached. Problem is how to maintain the detatchment and peace when in front of WH !!
Citygirl, I am with you. But (and I am prepared to take a 2x4 - maybe it's what I need, I dunno), I may not see my WH for a long long time, and when he comes back in 2 weeks it may be my only chance to say "hey guy, look what you are going to miss out on, me and your adorable newborn". I don't want to suck up to him, be is BFF..that's not possible after what he's done. But I can't be angry and hostile anymore..it's just more reason for him to keep running.
My WH had a crisis 6 months ago - yes, perhaps after months of falling out of love with me and detaching even though he continued trying with me to get pregnant- and I didn't show him that I could be the strong one and lead us through this crisis.
Basically I had a big hissy-fit post bomb and its continued until now and I'd like to stop the blame game and do something different.
EXACTLY. Anything is possible... I know from my own stitch that D can bring the worst in people!
Don't tell the L who's getting you the citizenship... in fact, I would tell them some story about H going back to Europe if one day you have to tell... like H got a job there and you will follow when bub's old enough blah blah whatever BUT the truth about your separation. (if the residency is based on marriage) Perhaps you can ask another L in Aus re: custody between two countries? Just be careful who you disclose your EU residency info to.
This Hague thing is to do with custody, and as I haven't gone through it myself I don't know in great details. But I know many who have the problem... it's really good that you're already in Aus, I know lots of mums who can't go back to their countries as they will become 'kidnappers'. If you browse on the net I'm sure there is forums/ info on this.
Keep being friendly to H and the first chance you have, get him to write a statement that he approves your daughter to be brought up in Aus and sign...(write full names) a friend of mine showed this letter at UK passport control and they let her& her boy in. Meanwhile ask an international family L what's the best thing to do... or look on the net first!
but NO, NO and NO again. I might not be much but I damn sure know I am better than *that*. And so are all of you.