Hey SunnyD, I don't feel qualified to offer advice on how to respond to H's last email, but really wanted to say hi because I'm finding myself in such a similar situation to yours: floored by a bomb out of nowhere and completely clueless as to where it came from: PA? EA? MLC?
As do you, I doubt the PA, but EA and MLC both seem like possibilities, especially because of H's Facebook obsession. And the complete blame that he's heaped on me sounds so familiar too. On top of that, the reasons I'm to blame kept changing ... there's no one good answer or explanation. It is so frustrating but, like you, I have no way of looking deeper: no access to FB, Blackberry or co-workers (H moved out months ago, leaving the kids alone with me).
Sorry, really just venting a bit and commiserating with someone who appears to be in a very similar situation.
Protection phase at this point, I guess, Allen. I'm going dark as much as I can, GAL'ing and just trying to keep life normal and happy for my kids. Still, it's hard to stop from wondering what the h... precipitated all this.
YOu can't make sense out of nonsense SS, just let it go or you will put yourself on some serious pills.. It's not worth it...
You are trying to control the situation by rationalizing how YOU did something to bring this about... thinking once you nail that down you just need to fix what you did...
Guess what? It wasn't you that did this.. it is HIM and HE needs to grow up and change himself...
You can set an adult example for him to follow to influence his choice to change, but you can't control him, so the analysis is pointless.. its just going to put you on some nasty pills...
He's not going to like your letter.. but he DID need to HEAR that...
He wanted you to feel SORRY for him and CODDLE his addictive behaviour... your letter told him NO...
Your letter told him to GROW UP
He's not going to reply to that... He's going to pretend he didn't hear it...
So you just keep saying that... and AVIOD talking.. this is something I learned early on.. if they don't reply its because their instincts can't process... what happens is their emotions end up bottled up and they come to a boil and his reply will come out in a rant at one point..
Be ready to WALK AWAY if he tries that...
YOu have three teenagers, this should be easy enough to deal with... Just imagine right now you have one extra...
Ha ha...so true!!! He did change somewhat when he saw that I was not changing in my behavior/stance. Instead of going into the office to spend the evening playing XBox, he watched a movie with me and laughed...and kept looking at me and then wanted to "trade" back scratches. We did. Did not lead to sex which is good because I was going to say no if he tried. Not one mention of the letter at all.
YOu can't make sense out of nonsense SS, just let it go or you will put yourself on some serious pills.. It's not worth it...
You are trying to control the situation by rationalizing how YOU did something to bring this about... thinking once you nail that down you just need to fix what you did...
Guess what? It wasn't you that did this.. it is HIM and HE needs to grow up and change himself...
You can set an adult example for him to follow to influence his choice to change, but you can't control him, so the analysis is pointless.. its just going to put you on some nasty pills...
Let it go
Thanks Allen, I am trying to do that ... but it certainly helps to hear others say it. You're right: you can't make sense out of nonsense. But I guess it's human nature to always impose some sort of mental order on the random and meaningless -- that's why we see pictures when we look at inkblots.
I appreciate the advice, though -- know you're right. Just have to keep reading it (and saying it) over and over and over again.
SS: Listen to Allen - he is a voice of reason!!! I'm sure like me when it all first came about you went into the mode of trying to figure out why and how you could fix it. The thing is, there might have been things you could've done differently in your marriage but there's not a person alive that couldn't say that. I know where we're at is not a pleasant place to be. If I can offer any hope it's that my H and I did reconcile after him leaving the house before... 17 years ago. Heck, part of that time he was half way around the world! Of course, going through this now I look back and figure I should've known something was going to happen come mid-life. We've hit all the classic tough spots: a few years after settling into married life, the 7-year-itch, and now MLC. I'm learning a lot of it has to do with the way he was raised - what was modeled to him. I come from parents who have been married 50 years. Not that they have the greatest relationship - but always committed.
Anyway, take the advice from here! It's good and it will get you through! Get James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. It will help SO MUCH in addition to DR or DB!
Hey SunnyD, thanks so much for all the advice. I'm doing my best to take it all to heart. I understand that mode you're talking about ("trying to figure out why and how you could fix it"). So hard not to do that, but I know there's no one I can control but myself.
I also know I have to keep things calm and happy for the kids ... no small matter when a WAH who moves out sends such an in-your-face "bleep you" to the whole family. It doesn't help that money's so tight right now and our living situation will probably have to change soon. One day at a time, I keep telling myself. One day at a time.
Hey SunnyD, thanks so much for all the advice. I'm doing my best to take it all to heart. I understand that mode you're talking about ("trying to figure out why and how you could fix it"). So hard not to do that, but I know there's no one I can control but myself.
I also know I have to keep things calm and happy for the kids ... no small matter when a WAH who moves out sends such an in-your-face "bleep you" to the whole family. It doesn't help that money's so tight right now and our living situation will probably have to change soon. One day at a time, I keep telling myself. One day at a time.
Ugh...so awful, I know. It's so selfish - you want to scream! Get Dobson's book as soon as you can. It has some great examples of letters to the WAS that are tremendously effective, for yourself and to the situation.
