With the kids always around and me being out of town tomorrow, I felt I had to deliver it tonight. Probably should have waited for more feedback and practiced a bit. I am a good writer, but my delivery stinks. It didn't seem to phase her at all. She has always been very good at hiding her emotions, but I'm not sure she even has any left. All she said was alright and then went back to watching TV. Had a smoke and went to bed within about 1/2 hour. No further talk. I gave her the written copy as she went to her room. Hopefully she reads it and it means something to her.
My apology is posted on page 10, but here it is again.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said about me being selfish and I want you to know that I accept it and that I agree with you. When you took the kids to the movies, or to the beach and you asked me if I wanted to go, I said “no”, because those were things that I didn’t enjoy doing, but that shouldn’t have mattered. It was very selfish of me not to be there with you and the kids and I am sure that I missed a lot of good interaction time with them and with you. I should have accepted your invitations and been acting more like a family. I wish I would have gone with you and if I had understood how much it was hurting you and my relationship with the kids, I would have gone along. I really regret not participating in those events, but I am going to learn from those mistakes and work to make my relationship with the kids the best it can be. Going forward, I really am going to need them as much as they are going to need me.
Regarding our intimate interactions, I am sorry that what I did made you feel like an object, or possession or piece of meat. That was certainly not my intent, but hearing what you have said and looking back on my actions, I can understand how I caused you to feel that way. No one should have to live that way or feel like that, especially with their spouse. I was being selfish in taking care of my own needs, when I should have been focusing on your needs and making sure they were met and you were happy. That is my 1st job as a husband and I am sorry that I failed you in that regard. I would like to make this better for both of us, but I understand your reluctance to put up with me any longer.
I want to thank you for making me realize these things and to know that I am working very hard to improve myself in these areas, whether that ends up being for us or just because it is the right thing for me to do as a person to improve myself and my future relationships. If, by chance, you change your mind and decide that you do want to try to save our marriage, I think you’ll find me ready and willing to work on all issues – including mine.
Right now I feel like I should just resign myself to the fact that this relationship is over. She has told me that ever since she had the blow-up in January, she has felt different and has given herself permission to act on her feelings rather than trying to please me. I wish she would have put more effort into communicating her isues in the first place. Apparently I am not that perceptive, or perhaps I just didn't care. I did what I thought was right for my family, but I didn't treat her like I should have. Guess I am going to have to find the strength to accept this and move on. This is going to be a long road.
Thanks to all for your input and support of such a vile human being as myself.
