I think what is happening is that for me, I am always wishing and hoping for him to come back and change his mind, while try to convince myself that i can handle it if he doesn't. I put too much emphasis into everything i do and say and read into everything he does and says and am always looking for something to go off of... something to show me he wants back. For me i feel like i have a ticking clock around my belly, and sadly am using the birth, or the baby or the idea of a 'family' to win his heart back.
For him, I think, he went through this phase of detaching and falling out of love with me a long time ago. When he left, it was because he was confident and sure of his feelings, or lack thereof. the day of separation was liberating for him because he released all emotion and baggage and detached completely. I think the past six months were okay for him, because he backed off thinking i needed the space to get over him. That he thought by leaving when I was 3 months PG, would give me enough time to grieve and be accepting of him back into my life or the baby's by now, 6 months later, for the arrival of the boy. Everything he does is purely for the baby, the prep work around the house, being kind to me, and sadly he is just being his normal self... up until him leaving me, everything thought he was perfect. so he doesnt love me or want me in his life... does it make him an awful person. No. just the way he handled did, how he left did. If he left me and I wasnt pregnant, would it be as awful of a sitch? Would people be judging him this way? Or would he just get away with I wasnt happy... and people would say its for the best, your both still young move on...I'm sure they would.
i dont think the birth will bring him back. i dont think the boy will make him want to be a family. He accepts that his family is himself and the baby. he clearly doesnt need me. i think he is happy with his life, even if it is being a part-time father. Maybe he doesnt care because he'd rather have a new wife and a family to share with her. So why invest your time in this child. I think maybe he doesnt want to share this first baby experience with me b/c he is aving it to share with someone he loves someday. And he will be in love with her and adore her when she is pregnant. I think it is easy for him to be around me and care for me as a person, not a wife, and to do nice things for me, but none of it means he cares enough to want to be my husband. I need to just face it... this is the guy who wanted to start a family with me and hugged me and kissed me and held me at night and then woke up one day and said ILYBINILWY. In a matter of hours... everything changed. So he probably feels the same now as he did then... that he is caring and doing nice things but none of which are because he wants to be married to me.
I need to just accept that this is my life. That we are getting divorced. He wont take the papers, I literally handed them to him. He refused them, said b/c its not his priority, but then again he doesnt stop them? I think its because he is selfish, and I told him he is waiting to see me happy and content and in love with the baby and then he will bring them up when he is ready to knock me down and crush me again. Why else wait? Or so that he doesnt look like the guy who fnished filing for them right before I gave birth? Why hold off... I know, because I've asked, that is has nothing to do with not wanting the divorce. I think he lied about thinking it could be a mistake... this excuse just bought him time. Just saved his ass a bit so that he could be involved with his son. D paper or no D papers, whether he is my H or not, this baby is still his. I am not going through a legal custody battle. I refuse to. H agrees and frankly its because I think he is okay just visting. Some sick part of him likes me crying over him and holding a candle over him.
bottom line is, its enough... ive had enough... cant fight for someone who will never change. I shouldnt have to wish for him to love me. Why should I be chasing after someone who doesnt love me enough to TRY! Or why should I want to be with someone who stopped loving me for one second in time and had such severe doubts of our marriage that he left me, his unborn child and filed for divorce.
I need to keep reminding myself that he filed for divorce because he was sure he didnt love me. It's over. There is nothing left to fight for. Our marriage has been over for a while. Why can't I just accept that. Why do i need to stare at rejection over and over.
I know it's over. It's over. There is nothing left.
I need to move on. have the baby and plan my life as a single mother. Need to grow up and see things for what they are.
Piano, you asked me to step outside the relationship and look from the outside in... i would think hey, he obviously doesnt care, so end it. If he came back now, it would never be for you, the baby only. He hasnt loved you for a long while. He lied to you for so long, you dont even know when it started that he didnt love you. You will never get the truth from him, never forgive him entirely, never love him the same and never feel loved by him the same. So accept that it's over. It's been over.
I've just been too stupid or hopeful or romantically retarded to accept it.
But today, I think I need to start looking at my life differently. As a a divorce mother.
