Okay, Gardener's taking a self-serving, yet genuine, sincere poll: Any of you DB ladies within striking distance/driving distance of Peekskill, NY? Reply here or on the .alt.
Um hello...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
A favorite song just Shuffled up on the ol' iPod: Bob Seger's "Like A Rock."
This, like some of his other classics (e.g., "Night Moves," "Main Street,", etc.) is almost a short story set to music. I've always been partial to the ones where he gets introspective at the end, like "Night Moves" and this one.
And, "Like A Rock" has one of the best, wrenching guitar solos - ever. I used to have that solo playing in the background of my message on my clunky old "answering machine" (dating myself, here...which, I guess, is the whole point of this random post).
Anywaaay...It hits me today that when the singer - reflecting back at thirty-eight to his eighteen year-old self - says "Twenty years now...where'd they go?", I'm damn near close to having to substitute Forty for Twenty!
When the hell did that happen?!
Thank God I still mostly feel eighteen.
Oh, and those facial, physical and emotional lines and crinkles? Those are just life's markings that give me a comfortable, well-worn character. Like fine distressed leather.
"Turn the Page" "Against the Wind" "We've Got Tonight" "Roll Me Away" etc...
I literally wore out his 1978 "Stranger in Town" album when it came out.
Without a doubt, the best (surprise) concert I ever saw was in 1973 when someone (very temporarily) re-opened the old Fillmore East Theatre in the East Village, NYC, calling it the NFE (New Fillmore East).
I went to see Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
First opening act: someone named Billy Joel ("Captain Jack" had just been released, I believe).
Second opening act: Bob Seger And The Silver Bullet Band (recently re-christened from The Bob Seger System, I later found out). "Katmandu" and even "Live Bullet" were still a couple of years in the future, then.
After them, before BTO came on, I was thinking, "Who are these two guys?!"
"And why the hell aren't they famous?!"
Great. Just great. "37 years now, where'd they go?..."
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Journaling, Tough day. Temporary gig at Premiere landscaping company ended due to slowdown in business, but I had five weeks of add'l income which helped. Winter-gig friend wants me to work for him every Saturday through August, so that will take up some slack.
I was on somebody's thread (I'm sorry I forget who: I follow so many) who referenced Snodderly's thread/posts in MLC from a few years back. Read through all of them. She is very wise, Snodderly.
Her posts confirmed - and filled in many gaps and questions - my theory that X's horribly physically abusive father's death five months before the bomb precipitated it all: awoke buried demons, which she aimed at me, as the most important male figure in her life (at that time) and then she...ran. She had to.
Snodderly talks about the importance of being the totally non-judgemental friend - not spouse - during this time. I was. As I posted many times before, on my bedroom mirror I taped a note; "Your dearest friend is very confused and in a tremendous amount of pain. Remember this."
Sometimes I second guess myself on telling her, "I'm sorry, but no," when she met me to ask if we could start being friends. How I would have jumped at that opening at any time to prior to that. But her waiting until six weeks after the D to make that overture just smacked of guilt-assuaging and cake-eating.
I couldn't do it.
Consequences.
(sigh) One of those days. Most days alone. Today? Lonely.
Last edited by Gardener; 06/25/1002:04 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Sometimes I second guess myself on telling her, "I'm sorry, but no," when she met me to ask if we could start being friends. How I would have jumped at that opening at any time to prior to that. But her waiting until six weeks after the D to make that overture just smacked of guilt-assuaging and cake-eating.
I couldn't do it.
...and it probably was guilt-assuaging and cake-eating. that's such a part of the "syndrome."
but you have to remember that you were also confused and in a tremendous amount of pain at the time, and you can only do what you can do. besides, the legal process makes it nearly impossible not to regard each other as adversaries as long as anything is pending. when it's all over--the house sale, etc.--and the dust has settled, then new possibilities might exist.
another favorite quote from Rilke: "A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship."
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
another favorite quote from Rilke: "A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship."
Not X. Not anymore. That person's long gone (or hiding behind that damned wall real good).
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
