Journaling, Tough day. Temporary gig at Premiere landscaping company ended due to slowdown in business, but I had five weeks of add'l income which helped. Winter-gig friend wants me to work for him every Saturday through August, so that will take up some slack.
I was on somebody's thread (I'm sorry I forget who: I follow so many) who referenced Snodderly's thread/posts in MLC from a few years back. Read through all of them. She is very wise, Snodderly.
Her posts confirmed - and filled in many gaps and questions - my theory that X's horribly physically abusive father's death five months before the bomb precipitated it all: awoke buried demons, which she aimed at me, as the most important male figure in her life (at that time) and then she...ran. She had to.
Snodderly talks about the importance of being the totally non-judgemental friend - not spouse - during this time. I was. As I posted many times before, on my bedroom mirror I taped a note; "Your dearest friend is very confused and in a tremendous amount of pain. Remember this."
Sometimes I second guess myself on telling her, "I'm sorry, but no," when she met me to ask if we could start being friends. How I would have jumped at that opening at any time to prior to that. But her waiting until six weeks after the D to make that overture just smacked of guilt-assuaging and cake-eating.
I couldn't do it.
Consequences.
(sigh) One of those days. Most days alone. Today? Lonely.
Last edited by Gardener; 06/25/1002:04 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
