But she never turned me down. I asked her why and she said it wasn't that easy with the pressure I was putting on her.
You haven't said it, but it sounds to me like you are the type to sulk if she does say no. It's a form of emotional bullying. Which means that over time I'm sure it seemed easier to give in than to have you acting like a sulky baby if she didn't. Doesn't mean she wanted to, and "saying no more forcefully" wouldn't have made a difference.
I am taking paxil because I was extremely depressed about this situation and the thought I losing my family. I was very distressed and would get panicky every time W said she didn't love me and may never love me again. Caused me to be needy and depressed, which didn't help the situation at all. I had to go to the dr. 3 times over 4 months before he would finally give me meds. I don't know where my high libido comes from, but he said he didn't think it was necessarily bad for someone my age. I wish he would have given it to me earlier so I could have stopped pursuing sooner. He also gave me Chlorazepate to take when I have serious anxiety attacks. I have never taken anything like these drugs before, but I felt it was the only way I could cope with the situation. I was completely out of my mind. Still am some days. Started taking the drugs in May.
Never been in sex therapy.
Actually, I am agreeing that it was VERY selfish. I said that thus far, I have defended myself, but after much thought and many sleepless nights, I do realize how extremely selfish it was and how it must have made her feel. I am more than very sorry. I am ashamed of what I have done to her. I was relentless.
The question at hand is whether to tell her that I agree with her or not at this point. It wasn't 3 times per day, but maybe 5 times per week. maybe more some weeks. Sometimes twice per day, like morning and night.
I have apologized for most things, but have not agreed with her yet that I have been selfish. I don't know if apologizing at this point helps or hurts. I would think helps, which is why I wrote the apology, but I have also been so needy and pursuing that has also turned her off and I have to find the strength to stand again. I have been a doormat for 5 months doing everything I thought was right, only to watch it blow-up in my face.
But she never turned me down. I asked her why and she said it wasn't that easy with the pressure I was putting on her.
You haven't said it, but it sounds to me like you are the type to sulk if she does say no. It's a form of emotional bullying. Which means that over time I'm sure it seemed easier to give in than to have you acting like a sulky baby if she didn't. Doesn't mean she wanted to, and "saying no more forcefully" wouldn't have made a difference.
You are right about the sulking, or getting angry. That is why she gave in.
So the question at hand is whether or not to apologize for this since I have always defended myself against her claims of my selfishness, although I have apologized for everything else, I think. . . .
Part of me thinks this apology might melt her heart and part of me thinks she just doesn't care anymore and I can hardly blame her.
Apologize. But do it because it's The Right Thing to Do, not because it will melt her heart.
Before you apologize, do some real soul searching first. This is your one and maybe only shot at telling her that you get it. Will it melt her heart? Probably not, but done right it could crack the ice.
If you don't have it, I would get Dr Phil's, Relationship Rescue. It really helped me own my mistakes, not for my H but for me. And, it helps you communicate in new ways so you break old habits. This was key to busting our D.
Maybe put your apology on paper first and post it here. We can help you avoid anything that sounds defensive or pursuing. Your W has been waiting years to hear these words from you. You want to make sure she knows this is from the heart.
With the kids always around and me being out of town tomorrow, I felt I had to deliver it tonight. Probably should have waited for more feedback and practiced a bit. I am a good writer, but my delivery stinks. It didn't seem to phase her at all. She has always been very good at hiding her emotions, but I'm not sure she even has any left. All she said was alright and then went back to watching TV. Had a smoke and went to bed within about 1/2 hour. No further talk. I gave her the written copy as she went to her room. Hopefully she reads it and it means something to her.
My apology is posted on page 10, but here it is again.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said about me being selfish and I want you to know that I accept it and that I agree with you. When you took the kids to the movies, or to the beach and you asked me if I wanted to go, I said “no”, because those were things that I didn’t enjoy doing, but that shouldn’t have mattered. It was very selfish of me not to be there with you and the kids and I am sure that I missed a lot of good interaction time with them and with you. I should have accepted your invitations and been acting more like a family. I wish I would have gone with you and if I had understood how much it was hurting you and my relationship with the kids, I would have gone along. I really regret not participating in those events, but I am going to learn from those mistakes and work to make my relationship with the kids the best it can be. Going forward, I really am going to need them as much as they are going to need me.
Regarding our intimate interactions, I am sorry that what I did made you feel like an object, or possession or piece of meat. That was certainly not my intent, but hearing what you have said and looking back on my actions, I can understand how I caused you to feel that way. No one should have to live that way or feel like that, especially with their spouse. I was being selfish in taking care of my own needs, when I should have been focusing on your needs and making sure they were met and you were happy. That is my 1st job as a husband and I am sorry that I failed you in that regard. I would like to make this better for both of us, but I understand your reluctance to put up with me any longer.
I want to thank you for making me realize these things and to know that I am working very hard to improve myself in these areas, whether that ends up being for us or just because it is the right thing for me to do as a person to improve myself and my future relationships. If, by chance, you change your mind and decide that you do want to try to save our marriage, I think you’ll find me ready and willing to work on all issues – including mine.
Right now I feel like I should just resign myself to the fact that this relationship is over. She has told me that ever since she had the blow-up in January, she has felt different and has given herself permission to act on her feelings rather than trying to please me. I wish she would have put more effort into communicating her isues in the first place. Apparently I am not that perceptive, or perhaps I just didn't care. I did what I thought was right for my family, but I didn't treat her like I should have. Guess I am going to have to find the strength to accept this and move on. This is going to be a long road.
Thanks to all for your input and support of such a vile human being as myself.
not vile, Dan, just human. You actually did it as was going to explain it to you. It's more effective if there's no conversation about it. Belive me, she'll think about what you said and read it again.
Maybe I have some kind of problem that can be fixed with drugs. When she first blew-up in January, I suggested that maybe I had high levels of testosterone, but she said it was all in my head. 5 months later, she suggested maybe I had high testosterone, but I don't, I had the dr give me a blood test and am in the middle of the normal range. Maybe I just need to find a woman that is a freak like me.......
