2 weeks left to DB

[Piano]

I'm here! Trying to cruise these past 24hrs+ as WH flies to the other side of the planet. I suppose he has landed and that he is with HER.

I've been doing a pretty good job of not thinkning about it, but the ripples of anxiety are lurking.

Being concentrating on baby and telling myself I am a GREAT person for getting through this!!!

Will respond to your posts a bit later. Ta for checking in!

[bluestar]

You are a great person and a great mom. The bub should help keep you busy.

[Piano]

By distancing and making him AN OPTION, YOU become the better option. So he feels smothered and trapped by marriage and parenthood? No problem! Act like you're going to take it away and possibly give it to someone else by regaining your confidence, reinventing your image, and moving forward without him. Throw down a gauntlet. Few men can resist the challenge. - RED

How could this work given that WH is already building a life o/seas without me and with OW?

He is in Europe now, but will be back for a couple of weeks or maybe as long as a month or two, to see the baby and be here while his mother flies in to meet her new granddaughter.

So...I have one last window of opportunity to show changes and a new me! Cos after that, I won't see him for another 6 months or a year, if his plans go ahead.

Problem: currently we only communicate on email because I have been overly angry of late. I think the birth brought up all the negative emotions all over again!

Opportunity: He LOVES seeing the baby. So I can use visitation times to "show changes" . i.e. a new, confident me.

So, how can I best use the time he is here?

[Piano]

Thanks bluestar for the reminder. We're going to be stronger people for going through all this pain!

[Piano]

Silentspring, hey nice to meet you. Sounds like you are getting to a good place & keep that fire and those projects going!

BD, my WH also loves it when I am motivated and busy. That's what attraacted him to me all these years. The last two years when we were overseas I was freelancing but not doing too well at it, and then suffered a few health problems, and then suffered the infertility thing...I think my H lost his attraction towards me.

Newmama, WH has certainly put himself in a sitation he can't get out of. He has gone to far. Lost the respect of so many people. Lost my family, my friends. Some of his friends. But when I told him a few months ago that for him doing the right thing felt as daunting as climbing Mt Everest, he agreed and added "and I don't have the energy". He had a choice between two difficult emotional sitations (going vs leaving) and he chose the one that required less energy and work.

Sounds MLCish, doesn't it?

[Piano]

Wayward FIL (the one that abandonned WH when he was 1 month old) and I have had another email exchange. I told him what had happened between WH and I and I asked why he didn't spend more time with WH as a child.

He replied "I am in a lot of pain for you. WH didn't tell me this: I suspect because he is not one bit proud of himself! I will write to you more about WH and I very soon".

Just sharing.

[fullmoon]

Hi Piano, just came over from another thread.

Re: citizenship
The reason I asked is that I know in some countries, even after you obtain citizenship, the sponsor (or anyone really) can back-report on the 'true' state of how the R was and the government can take it away... seeing it as illegal. Even if you're M separation is a big no.
If that's the case in the EU country of your choice then it's best to stay amicable with your H as much as possible even after you've got it just to be safe.


I'm sure you've got everything covered but I was just a bit concerned so I popped over!

[Piano]

Thankyou for the heads-up, Fullmoon. I am now aware of this potential danger.

[silentspring2]

Silentspring, hey nice to meet you. Sounds like you are getting to a good place & keep that fire and those projects going!

Nice to meet you too (though wish it wasn't under these circumstances of course)! I'm definitely keeping busy but still so lost at times. Trying to keep my energies on myself and kids, but -- bam -- every once in a while I just get hit between the eyes with the thought, "Where the bleep did this come from? Is this really happening?" I still feel like I've been hit by a truck sometimes, and my situation (out of house separation) has been going on for a few months now.

Trying to keep up the GAL. And everyone here certainly helps so much -- thanks to all of you!

[newmama]

Piano, I think you are wise to use the times that your H sees your daughter to show your changes. What changes are you making again?

I am also sooooo happy to hear that he loves visiting her! It makes me choked up!

So you said your H was attracted to you when you were motivated and busy. You can show that when emailing about your daughter! You know, the schedules for feeding, sleeping, tummy time, baby classes, outings, etc--you know what I am talking about! Well, sharing all of this stuff on email relays that you are busy and motivated. And if you get back into freelance, you can share that stuff, too! And you can ask his opinion (even though YOU are the one with her)

On the "non mom" side of yourself, will you be able to get babysitting so you can enrich your life? Wow, Piano, I have a hard time as it is and stbxh takes S 4 nights per week! So how are you going to do it?

Anyway, you can also try to be friends with your WH and share the things you are doing in your life on email. I was so confused and didn't really do that enough. I think that emotional bonding could have been powerful (don't mind me, still stuck in the guilt stage of divorce, lol!) Now citygirl did warn that when there is an OW, it probably doesn't matter if we danced on our heads or became the leading lady in a blockbuster movie. BUT if you see your WH every 6 months, then might as well give him a good impression. And try to re-establish and emotional bond.

Honestly, Piano, I am wondering "what if" I wasn't so distant? What if I did try to be open, honest and close with stbxh when he was visiting S over here? Yikes- I realize that this just contradicts what I said about what citygirl said! But I share it with you because the women who did succeed in "be the better option" allowed themselves to connect with their Hs while they were with OW. They truly became their friend and REALLY let them eat cake! Some also gave them backrubs, or even ML!

The downside is looking like you are pursuing and forget about your pride...

ok food for thought!