A LITTLE UPDATE: W's trip to visit her family is not planned for another month or so. Thanks for the heads up on checking on the OM.
I informed W that I am planning to get an RO on the OM (I already have it filled out) and she is quite unhappy with that idea of course. She defended him for pushing me, saying that I started it by calling him a "creep".
She also came to me this morning saying that she doesn't see how our marriage could ever work and that we need to end it. She seems very upset over all the exposure I have done. She keeps thanking me for ruining her reputation. She's ashamed to be seen in church, but she wants to go again this weekend because some long-time friends have come back to visit and asked us to be there to hear them speak from the pulpit. I need to get that RO submitted before the OM shows up again.
She says she can't stand my personality. I asked her why she married me and she said it was a mistake and that she was stupid. She repeated again that she tried to fix our marriage for 11 years. (she really didn't do much, just get a couple of relationship books, and tell me she wanted me to spend more time with her.) She never sought counseling or anything like that. I asked her, "Did you exhaust every effort to save our marriage? Have you left no stone unturned?" (Got that from Dr. Phil.) I noticed that she was on Dr. Phil's website today, but she also called the OM today. I also found a website about how it is possible for a person's personality to change, but I don't think she's interested.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Make sure these friends know about her affair asap
Ken, stop listening to her rant about how hopeless the marriage is etc.. its NOT HELPING
WALK AWAY when she tries that crap.. do NOT let HER DO THAT.. WALK AWAY
If she tells you that you ruined her reputation :
No, that creep violating your marriage and you chasing him like a teenager did that just fine... You are supposed to be a MOTHER who PROTECTS her family from predators like that... does he have to push your KIDS TOO before you DO SOMETHING about him? You didn't expect me to HIDE what he's doing from people FOR you did you? Do you think I'm a doormat? You think I shoul just sit back and let him violate my home and my family? I am PROTECTING MY FAMILY... Why don't YOU try it for a while... It will give you a MUCH BETTER reputation than the one you are getting right now...
Let her poke around... I will find osme articles for you to print up too... She will read them if you leave them laying around...
Yes get that RO, particularly if she's defending him...
You had every right to call him a creep Ken, YOU arne't violating HIS family... HE"S the creep... don't worry about your wife, she's just an addict right now and its just her addiction talking to you right now.. you need to STOP letting her RANT like that.. WALK AWAY... EACH TIME she rants like that, she REINFORCES this gargage into her thoughts and gets herself MORE CONVINCED...
How doyou stop it? You don't ENTERTAIN IT... you walk away and make it clear you refuse to listen to her negativity... she will stop eventually if you stop listening to her gargage...
Here ya go Ken. You said you like Phil McGraw so here's some things he has to say about infidelity. I bolded important points and removed a few that are irrelevant :
Were you cheated on?
· It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time.
· Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.
· Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.
· Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone cheating on you.
· If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.
· There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two where one is cheating, lying, and fighting, with the LBS living with stress and pressure.
Did you have an affair?
· Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.
· It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
· In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.
· Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.
· Make the hard decisions. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work.
· Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?
· Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
· Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again. And you do it until.
· Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.
· If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies.
· Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.
OK I got the RO on the OM completed and submitted to the court. I was able to list my wife and kids on it and request no contact for all of us. Now the question is, if he shows up at church and is reluctant to leave, or if he calls W, should I be quick to report him and get him arrested? Not sure W will ever forgive me for that.
(BTW, she talked to OM again today by phone.)
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Once he is served he will not just be pushing/breaking your boundary but one of the law. If he pushes it, you HAVE to follow through. You might give your church leaders the heads up on the RO. If he shows up they may be able to warn him to leave before you get there. Let them know your schedule.
IDK about the calls to/from W. If it is the house phone or your phone definitely charge. The water gets muddy with W's phone. I would take the phone from her and break it if she is calling from the house or in the presence of the kids. I have done this with one of my teenagers and it really got the point across. Haven't had a problem with her crossing boundaries with her phone since!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Now the question is, if he shows up at church and is reluctant to leave, or if he calls W, should I be quick to report him and get him arrested?
One of your biggest problems in DBing is that you prolong doing what you need to do. What is the point of having a RO if you make exceptions? OM has proven himself over & over again.
Quote:
Not sure W will ever forgive me for that.
You've made that statement many times. Yes she will forgive you. One day she will thank God that you did it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
