IB, my Ds are grown and live elsewhere, so you may not be comfortable with my POV. You will need to do what feels right to you.
I took the position that if H no longer wanted to be with me, we were no longer a family, and, except for significant life events, would not be together as one. My H sees my Ds by himself, partly because of how I feel about this, and partly because I think he has to be responsible for his relationship with his Ds on his own. It is one of the consequences of his decisions. When H invites me to participate, as much as I might like to accept under other circumstances, I don't now. I just say that I don't want to interfere in their R.
You did a great job buying some time to consider your response! I'm sure the answer will come to you.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Wow on the sexual addiction stuff. Very interesting.
You asked if it mattered SA or MLC? Truth, it doens't really.
Honestly, it is the sort of behavior that fits right in with MLC. That is just my MO though.
What Jack said about doing for you, to outlast his MLC for as long as you can, I agree with that.
Right now your H doesn't have to have the secrecy with the chats and stuff that he did before so you may see it escalate for a while.
Unfortunately, you only know what he has shared with you as far as his SA and his counseling. There is no way of knowing what he and his therapist talked about to lead her/him to this diagnosis. So to attempt to figure out which "stage" he is in there is very difficult. It may come, down the road, to the point where he DOES need inpatient treatment. If he gets there, well, then that is what he needs.
It is not something that you can control, stop, slow down, or hurry along. It just isn't.
This really is no different than alcohol or drug addiction and there are great support groups out there for family members of people with those problems. You might want to ask your IC if she knows of anything for this. Or maybe she can give you some literature on AA.
It will help you to learn how to step out of your role in the cycle and keep this from doing more damage to you.
Irish, regardless of what you want to call this, it isn't an easy road.
While you do have responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the M (we all do), you are not responsible or the cause in any way of H's behavior and choices.
Right now, I would like to hear a little more about Irish, who are you? What are your hobbies, likes, dislikes, fears, and frustrations?
What about you do you like, and what would you like to change?
I am not saying don't keep learning about what you are dealing with, understanding will help YOU deal with it, but you identified the whole woman, wife, mother thing in therapy and it may be time to start putting more of the focus on those thing. You have to understand and know yourself and your desires in order to grow.
Take a step every day my friend.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I found out last week just how damaging it can be to have a simple conversation with my WH. We had not talked in 5 weeks. I had to call him about pertinent medical information. The talk was very civil, contained. He asked me how I was, Blah, Blah. I think I handled it very well, but it left me a nervous, whiny wreck x 3 days. Speaking for myself, Dark is better. Just disappear from his life as much as you possibly can, and focus on yourself. Unless it is a matter of life or death, I plan to let our D's transmit any msgs. in the future.
Punkin, I'm not sure I'd pass messages through your Ds. It might be best to keep them out of the middle. You will probably be able to communicate with your H via email and text without the emotional reaction you experienced when talking with him. Written communication also keeps a record of your discussions and decisions, which may come in handy somewhere down the road.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Only one of our D's has any sort of regular contact, and that is through texting. I don't text. In the last five weeks, there has been only that one reason to contact him at all. I simply regret doing it. He has no access to Email at the moment, I believe.
ANYWAY, what I meant was that, Irish, you do have options, and if staying dark from your H is calming and healing to you, by all means, do so. It is certainly the way I plan to go from now on. Besides, I truly believe that all any WH is after is the ego stroke that you can't get along without them. As a 20 year Army wife, mine knows I can, and it doesn't help his ego a bit.
What I am trying to figure out is what will take this anxious feeling away. And I know the answer is time. Not snooping, for me, who always has to feel in control to prevent or prepare for another hurt (yes, I know that is some of my issue) - is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I think TG is correct about "leaving" - establishing a "loving distance." It feels like a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" / if I go along and let him have access and be amicable etc. - then he is experiencing the best of both worlds. If I draw a firm line - then H sees me as agitating and being difficult. I need time to think and figure it out. Always love input and perspective!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
