You are absolutely not incompetent! If there is an 'expert' at this out there, I wouldn't want to be them. It seems to me that your answer about the cookout was perfect. And no, you cannot be 100% accomodating. That WOULD be the definition of a doormat. It also defeats the purpose of the 180. Why don't you do as you said and take it a day at a time ( look who's talking) and see how your oldest D feels about the cookout. I know what my D's would say.
