and you're right, it's a death except your spouse didn't actually die. would it actually be easier if they did? my apologies if that sounds offensive but i do wonder.
No offense taken by me. I don't know if one is easier than the other. They both suk. The hurt runs so deep. On the one hand you never see them again and on the other hand....you never have to see them again.
It was so hard for me early on to hear the "GAL" and "take care of you" stuff. I wanted to take care of everyone else and fix my M.
S L O W L Y, I did star taking care of me and things changed. Not with regards to my M (he didn't come and sweep me off my feet with profuse apologies etc), but how I viewed H, myself and what I have to offer those I love and that know me. BTW, there was lots f face falling involved here
As hard as all this is, if you can do 1 thing everyday (or if it's 1 thing a week) to take care of yourself and move towards some goal that you have, those baby steps add up.
Do you have any goals for yourself? Something you would really like to accomplish and be remembered for?
hi grace, so you're still with H? what happened in your sitch? i'm so in awe of you and the strength you have shown.
to let folks know, i backslid SO hard the last few days. you name it, i did it...crying, begging, pleading, snooping, talking about R. sigh. it's kind of frustrating b/c things had been mostly good for the last few months (from my side). i was going with the coach's advice and everything you all have said...good PMA, being friends only, no expectations, not taking things seriously, etc. results were were very positive, H was being more and more responsive with friendly behavior, then flirting, then even physical things like spooning and holding me tight in bed. to be honest, we've spent some of our most tender moments in the last few weeks.
so i remember reading somewhere that when you do the backsliding stuff, you might as well sign your own D papers. guess i should get my pen ready...
i'll be honest, i'm panicked...panicked at a timeline left of one week now. then the last week was spent packing up our old home and moving everything to storage until we can figure out next steps. finally, the anniversary of the death of our son is this sat 6/26. my emotions have taken the best of me. all my detachment has been thrown out the window and stomped on.
i so need some encouragement/love/and even 2x4s now. i don't want to make the move to the D section yet of the forum. and plus, if these are the last days with my H, i want to at least make the most of them.
and R talk today made me so sad. basically i feel like i screwed up our marriage. he's like you have changed so much but why couldn't you have realized this before. i feel like i was a nice guy who got screwed over. i know i'm not solely responsible but be honest, is it possible that i could have really been that awful that i pushed him away?
so i remember reading somewhere that when you do the backsliding stuff, you might as well sign your own D papers. guess i should get my pen ready...
I think that if YOU keep backsliding...not realizing that you are, not worried that you are...then you are in trouble.
However YOU seem to realize it is not the best thing to do.
A little, a very little backsliding is actually helpful...if you can control it...figure out the things you are going to say before hand, and not let your emtions run rampant for the conversations backslide.
Basically Pandora, it REALLY looks like you got your hopes up based upon him started to be nice. So you EXPECTED more from him, and this is what bit you on the ass. You asked a question or said soemthing...maybe even did something and he didn't respond in the manner you WANTED him to, so you pressed it and he pressed back. And well...you have a GREAT example of why expectations suxxor.
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all my detachment has been thrown out the window and stomped on.
By...
You.
You CAN get it back however.
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i don't want to make the move to the D section yet of the forum.
Few do. Its more of a fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
You get OVER fear...and it doesn't control you. You no longer worry about the source of that fear and a whole another world of options opens up.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Not likely...he needs to wear HIS man pants and take some blame for NOT standing up to you if you WERE that horrible, and if you were THAT horrible...why the F did he marry you? But...that isn't until MUCH later you get to suggest that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
he's like you have changed so much but why couldn't you have realized this before.
I received almost the exact same line. "Oh you changed so much, why couldn't you have been this way before.?"
Please see this for what it is. We live in the here and now. You are a changed person in the here and now and it's obviously positive because he is asking "why not before?"
For whatever F'd up reason, he is still going to look for something negative in this positive change. Don't let this rattle you and please DO NOT own a bunch of his sh!t.
Bottom line is...
You are changing for the better. If he want's to play this bullsh!t card so be it. That is out of your control, just don't start owning too much of the blame here.
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like i was a nice guy who got screwed over.
Boo F@cking hoo! Who's choice was it to bail? Most of them thrive off of playing the victim.
Yes take a look inward, change when it is needed and this is totally your call as to what, however don't take ownership of MLC BS. It's his.
No one incident is usually the kicker. When you backslide use it as a tool to teach yourself how you want to act and be as a person. Did you act with the integrity and grace you wanted to? If not, how would you have handled it differently? This is where breathing before react comes in handy. Is is easy to learn to do? For me it wasn't. I did learn though.
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Fear is the mind killer.
Once you have the confidence to know that whatever happens, you have the courage and strength to take care of whatever needs taking care of, the fear just shrinks. I had lost this confidence. It took time to get it back.
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You are changing for the better. If he want's to play this bullsh!t card so be it. That is out of your control, just don't start owning too much of the blame here.
You sound alot like I was. Taking too much blame. Too much being the operative words. Am I to blame? Yes. For everything? No.
Alot of people think they are detached and I would argue that early on they really aren't. After you've been with someone for so many years, how easy is it to detach esp if you have to see them b/c of kids? Not that easy. I can really only speak for myself though.
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hi grace, so you're still with H? what happened in your sitch? i'm so in awe of you and the strength you have shown.
No sweetie, I am still legally married. My H is totally divorced form me emotionally. My H hasn't lived in my home for more than 2 years. Do I see him still? Yep, every weekend when he comes to visit our D's. Do we get along? Almost all of the time. Why? Me. Is ther a chance in he11? Doesn't matter. It isn't strength so much as stubborness. I grew up without knowing my Dad. Wanted better for our D's. I'm not a saint, martyr or anything else along those lines. I just recognize that it would be tragic for D's to lose their Dad and my behavior has alot to do with that.
What my life has become is nothing short of amazing. Not b/c I don't have problems (raising teenage D's, financial, job etc), like everyone else I do. Not b/c I don't still get scared sometimes. The diference is, I trust me. You've got to put your past in your behind (think Lion King ) and go forward.
After all, life is short, if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space. I'm ony slightly joking here.
You can do this. 3 years ago, I was where you are. Now? Well, I may not be sure where I'm headed, but man, what a view!!
It's up to you to take a step back, along with a honest look to decide which is which.
does this start becoming confusing as to what is legit and what isn't? i get my piece in this but i wasn't a monster.
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Boo F@cking hoo! Who's choice was it to bail? Most of them thrive off of playing the victim.
this did make me laugh and feel better.
the mlc beast is rearing its ugly head. been going back and forth about this for weeks (WAS or MLC)...but noticed he's got some major issues...with himself, his self-image, his family, his spirituality and me (as though the last one wasn't obvious...lol) i feel really sad for him.
