I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Some very wise comments ladies...thanks for sharing. It really helped me to see I'm not the only one feeling anger and it's part of the process. I feel I was done wrong, was taken advantage of, was made a fool of when I did everything out of love to keep us together and change and fix things but none of that counts for anything in her mind. I'm the bad guy, I did this to us according to her when I wasn't even told that she'd decided to leave. As Gardener said not long ago: when the first time they tell you that the marriage is at risk by leaving there's not much you can do.

CG you're right about the hate part, I don't hate my STBXW but as Kelly Clarkson says "I would never wish bad things but I don't wish you well" sums up my feelings these days.

[newmama]

Am trying to figure out my new identity...so for the heck of it, I googled "how to be a good single mom." This article was really good and inspired me:
http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=6...;content=275232

How to be a Successful Single Mom

Kenneth N. Condrell, Ph.D.
Child Psychologist

Throughout the country, and the world, millions of single moms raise successful, happy kids. Read on to see what two children have to say about life with a single mom.

“My mom has been a very important person in my life. She has taught me many things and has helped me whenever I needed help. She also helps me when I don’t know what to do. She is very loving and can be funny, too. My mom has taught me how to swim and how to ski and many other things. My mom even takes us on vacations. My mom is very special to me because my parents are divorced. My mom has a lot of energy to live, and I love every moment of it. This is how special my mom is to me.”

“My mom is a role model to me. She barely even yells. My mom is very friendly. She lets me have a lot of pets. I had trouble learning how to ride a bike. My mom wouldn’t let me give up. With a lot of help from her, I learned how to ride a bike. My mom supports me in all the sports I play. She is always cheering me on. My mom is a very hard working woman, and she is my role model.” As I read what these two children wrote about their moms and thought about my own professional experiences counseling single moms, I developed a list of parental behaviors that are essential for single moms.

Successful single moms:

Have a lot of “child” in them and enjoy doing fun things with their children


Avoid yelling and screaming at their children even after a stressful day


Enjoy teaching their children new things, which in turn help their kids feel more competent


Are nurturing and caring


Have a sense of humor


Are friendly with their children but stay in charge of their family


Act as their children’s cheerleader when they compete and perform, in and out of school


Know when to ask for professional help from a counselor when they’re stuck, worried or uncertain about how they’re handling a problem


Are not depressed, bitter and angry over the past


Take care of themselves because they know the whole family is dependent on their leadership, management and coping skills


Are effective disciplinarians so that their children are not only good listeners, but chip in to help with all the work that needs to be done at home


Set aside one-on-one time with each child to help him or her feel more special


Find time to participate in their own adult activities and interests

Raising children is a tough job, filled with many challenges, but all this gets multiplied tenfold when moms do it alone. I hope that these observations will help you succeed as a single mom.

****************************************************************************
I found another article (from ehow.com) wasn't that great so I won't post it but I though the difficulty level was funny!
"How to Be a Confident Single Mom"


Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Instructions (there were 6 steps!)

[newmama]

Successful single moms:
Idon't know yet what it will be like to come home after working and be with S, but maybe since I won't have him full time, I will truly value the time I get with him. Meaning I won't take it for granted and be all grumpy and worn out. ???

However, there was one glaring thing on the list that I have to ammend!!!

Are not depressed, bitter and angry over the past

[Piano]

IMO that is why my H *had* to change. One individual can't carry all that around and still be the same person they used to be. That is why I don't believe in the "fog". People change for the worse when their actions are so deplorable it is impossible for them to be the same. It's not a fog (IMO), it's the only way they can survive.

I am sure to most people in my H's life they seem the same person they used to see. Very successful at work, funny, smart, thoughtful, romantic easy going and so on. And for a long time he was all those things to me. But once you shred a R (as our H's did) it is impossible to put up two fronts.

Most people here went through remarkable efforts to rebuild their marriages. The harsh reality is as long as their is OW/OM heavily vested in the picture nothing would have mattered. It is terribly sad... not a child, not an incurable illness, not the very idea of breaking a lifelong commitment can make a spouse who feels done take pause.

And we are left with lots of burden and many unanswered questions. The WAS, in most cases, was left with next to no unanswered questions. It's a tough and painful place to be but we all keep trucking.

^^ All of this CityGirl. Spot on.

[newmama]

Geronimo made a list of goals for himself and some totally matched my needs too so I am inspired by him and have "borrowed" some of his to help me:

What I want to focus on now:
- Forgiveness. Letting go of the pain and anger, and keeping it from informing my behavior.

- Building a satisfying life for myself – and this is going to include being able to be alone without dwelling on the sadness, to be able to be complete. For this to no longer be what my life is about.

- Building a relationship with XH ... Maybe that relationship is sparse – meaning we’re co-parents –

- Being steady. Developing resilience. Staying calm. Coping with the bad moments.

And for the record, ICING CAKES IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS! But the thing that I totally loved about trying to do the basket weave, or the stars, the ribbon, or the shell design us that they take FULL concentration so I didn't have to think about anything else!!

[newmama]

Most people here went through remarkable efforts to rebuild their marriages. The harsh reality is as long as their is OW/OM heavily vested in the picture nothing would have mattered. It is terribly sad... not a child, not an incurable illness, not the very idea of breaking a lifelong commitment can make a spouse who feels done take pause.

Amen!

And we are left with lots of burden and many unanswered questions. The WAS, in most cases, was left with next to no unanswered questions. It's a tough and painful place to be but we all keep trucking.

Yep--this is the case when anyone gets dumped, married or not.

[NoLongerHere]

NM, good goals.

[figgeroni]

dealing with your ex who wants to be friends....

my advice is to cut him off...he starts talking and you cut him off midsentence with something like, you know son and I really have to (fill in the blank...I used run to the grocery store a lot) and then say something noncommital like talk to you later...bye...close door

it looks like this
(ex) oh NM...i ordered this great new phone that...
(NM) I am sure that is cool but darling son and I need to get ready for bed so we will just talk to you later, ok, (closing door) bye. Door closed, locked

don't respond to his texts or if you need to respond with one word...busy

he may ask what is up after a bit and you can say, well you know buttmunch, the deal is this...I have enough friends in my life right now and I think it is just best if we concentrate on being the best parents we can to babyboy. I am not really interested in your daily life unless it pertains to our son. I'm sure your a great person but I lost respect for you when you made the decision to leave and I find it difficult to be friends with people I don't respect

)I needed to work up the courage to say this so then I added)

I am really sorry and I would love to stay and talk about this but I am meeting my friend for icecream and I need to go, ok? Bye

then made my exit

[Piano]

Buttmunch? ha!

[newmama]

ok really need to get my PMA back.