don't send that letter you are defending yourself. too much talk about yourself and why you did what you did.
you need to validate what she said and accept your responsibility in the situation.
get out of the hole
exercise pray play do something nice for someone else make a list of what you are grateful for find some red/white/blue face paint to watch the match tommorow
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't post much, but I do resonate with your sitch and am following along. I understand how hard this is for you...my H is in a similar predicament, in that he has trouble facing the pain he has put me through in our marriage. I know it hurts really badly right now, but Coach is right--you have been given a gift. Embrace it as such. Others may offer other opinions, but I kind of like your letter. Up until this part: **********
I wish, with all of my heart and soul that I could go back in time and change them, but I can’t. At this point, all I can do is continue to maintain the changes in my behavior I have made and to move forward.
**********
Don't talk about what you *can't* do, but what you are willing to do. Going forward, are you willing to do whatever it takes to--as the counselor put it--make amends? Don't just maintain your present changes. That may not be "good enough". Let your therapist help you through this and follow her guidance like your marriage depends on it. Let your wife see your actions EMBRACE the words you just wrote in the letter...otherwise they are just words.
Thanks guys. Silverado, I changed the last few sentences:
I wish, with all of my heart and soul that I could go back in time and change them. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make amends with you and to save our marriage and family. I hope and pray that you can forgive me someday.
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
been on paxil for 10 years now.....this sh&t is not helping my OCD
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
When “the “done” bomb was dropped, I looked back over the last year and thought, even though I did need to change, that it couldn’t be “all” me. In my mind you had been showing all of the classic signs of a mid-life crisis for months (going out until 2-3 in the morning once or twice a week, new boobs, excessively working out, etc.). Many of our friends noticed the changes in your behavior as well which further helped me rationalize this line of thinking. I thought that by permanently stopping my drinking and helping out more around the house that I could fix the situation. When we weren’t getting any positive results, I got frustrated and a million different things started to go through my mind. I truly started to believe that this was more a MLC than anything and that another man might even be involved. As such, if others chose to believe along the same lines, I let them run with it. Who wants to be the “bad guy” right?
I don't think explaining yourself is necessarily defending in a way she would find unacceptable, but I sure think mentioning the friends seeing her change in what you have described as a negative thing (MLC) would sure as heck put her on the defensive right quick.
Sounds a lot like me too Barkley, only I actually posted her letter so I could get the best help possible. I was also embarrassed! My wife says she has forgiven me, but no longer wants any intimacy and knows that will never change. She filed for D two weeks ago.
Long hill to climb, but I think she is worth it. I suspected mid-life crisis and menopause also in her case. I still think they are contributing factors, although I was the main factor.
Learn from it, be a better man and hang in there to see where it goes.
I really don't think my W WANTS to leave, but she doesn't think I can change. She can't believe the changes I have already made and the things I have told her. One time she told me "I didn't think you had this in you." But then I pursued and smothered her for 5 months, even though she told me not to, and drove her away anyway.
Wish I had found this site earlier. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't be needy and desperate to keep her. Be strong! You can do it.
Thanks Dan.....I haven't been needy, but DBing is also not helping at this point. That said, I will never quit until the last paper is signed
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
Went fishing with the guys this weekend. I found out that my wife cancelled her Facebook account yesterday morning, yet was at my Sister's house all day with the kids. She said she need to simplify her life. I think she may be lawyering up. Oh well.....out of my control anyway
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
I'm so sorry about how you're feeling right now, Barkley -- I know how bad the hurt can get. (Just crumpled up in a sobbing ball myself an hour or so ago.) It takes a lot to write such a brutally honest response ... I hope your W appreciates that.
Hoping and praying for you.
They don't ever seem to appreciate it. Listen to Coach.
