- give you a hug - go to lunch with you - ????????
what action do you take to reach your goal?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Not sure. I try to make her feel better about me by doing things with the kids. She will appreciate that. Continue my 180's in helping around the house and not pursuing her at all. Be nice. Converse a little with her when she initiates a conversation.
I don't ask her to lunch, but am available if she asks. Usually only on weekends or off days becuase we work 1hr apart. She is off 2 & 1/2 days per week in the summer, so theoretically, she could bring the kids and have lunch together close to my work. I don't think that is going to happen.
I don't initiate any contact with her, but let her own tension build.
I don't know what else.
I just got an e-mail from EAOM's wife. Their situation is totally nuts right now. She thinks they are still talking. They talk about that situation in their counseling sessions and he says he doesn't have to chase my W because "she'll take him whenever he is ready" and other crap like that. Probably just trying to get her goat, but I just don't know what to think.
If that is the case, I need to get more evidence, but really don't know how at this point. She guards her phone with her life. I used to check it in the middle of the night, but everything was almost always deleted. I did open her last phone bill and there were no calls, but I can't see any texting info. Now that she is in the other room, I am afraid to go in there at night and wake her up trying to get the phone. Plus, she can still call from her work. This guy was introduced to her by her best friend, who she works with. This lady is a real gossip hound and calls my W aboyt 4 times a day. It is f-ing ridiculous. Me and the kids call her Dee-de-dee, like Carlos Mencia!
If that is the case, I need to get more evidence, but really don't know how at this point. She guards her phone with her life. I used to check it in the middle of the night, but everything was almost always deleted. I did open her last phone bill and there were no calls, but I can't see any texting info. Now that she is in the other room, I am afraid to go in there at night and wake her up trying to get the phone.
Dan, I've re-posted this story many times, but perhaps you haven't seen it yet:
“A Wayward Will Eventually Let Their Guard Down”:
My wife also kept wiping her cellphone -- call log and TMs -- a couple of times every day, and also kept the phone with her (or near her) 24/7, it seemed.
I also noticed, that NOW THAT SHE FELT CONFIDENT THAT SHE HAD IT WITH HER ALL THE TIME, she no longer locked it.
So I began to study her habits/patterns every day. And I noticed that every morning, she woke up before I did, came downstairs, put on her shoes, and went outside to get the paper (we were sleeping in separate rooms at this time, me in the master BR and her upstairs in our daughter's old room).
I also noticed (made a beeline/"dry run" up there one morning when she went out to get the paper) that she kept her phone up there after she woke up, near her "bed" (a sleeping bag on the furniture-less room floor), charging, and UNLOCKED.
I quickly set the phone back down where I had found it, and slipped downstairs back into my bed. But I had my plan.
I went online and got a .pdf of her cellphone instructions, as I knew I wouldn't have much time with it, and would have to use that time quickly and wisely, and couldn't afford to be stumbling around with the buttons (I was totally unfamiliar with her phone). I studied the owners manual until I knew the navigation for call log and especially TEXT MESSAGES, frontwards and back. I waited for my opportunity, making sure to begin CLOSING MY BEDROOM DOOR EVERY NIGHT WHEN I WENT TO BED (I hadn't previously; had left it open a crack).
This I did for a week or two.
One morning, after a night where she had gone to bed early and I KNEW she was text messaging up there in her room, I pretended like I was asleep, and waited for her to go out and get the newspaper. When she did, I bolted up out of bed, left my bedroom, and shut the door the way behind me. I ran upstairs, went into her bedroom, and quietly closed the door behind me. There, next to her sleeping bag, was her cellphone, unlocked.
I spent the next 5 minutes looking at more than I needed to know, or that I wanted to see. Lots of "ILYs" and "no one does it for me like you do's" (this after she claimed the affair was over, and they were "just friends" again). Made sure to check both a few Sent Items and a few INbox, to make sure this wasn't a one-sided affair.
It wasn't.
I laid the phone back down, and came out of her bedroom and into our upstairs game room, and just went on the family computer for about 10-15 minutes. She was now downstairs, reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, just as she always did.
After awhile, I came down the stairs, and gave her a cheery "G'morning!"
She looked like she had seen a ghost, and the poor girl probably wet herself.
"W-w-what are you doing up?" she stammered.
"Oh, I couldn't sleep -- just went on the computer for a little bit," I answered.
"What's wrong with your laptop?" she asked, worried. (I rarely used the family computer upstairs)
"Oh, nothing," I purposely said briefly. "I"m gonna get in the shower; you need anything out of there?"
"No," she said, obviously worried shitless.
I knew all I needed to know, and it was GOOD that I knew it, because no more than 4-5 days later, she tried to gaslight me about not having any feelings for this OM. At that point, I said "STOP IT -- we both know you're lying to me right now. I saw your text messages the other morning, so you can sell that to someone who's buying."
'Nads, there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, and your family. In fact, I would claim that you have a moral imperative to do so.
When she starts to comment on differences in you, completely unsolicited, that's progress. Act casual about them.
When she flirts with you at all, that's progress. Flirt back, a little, but be coy.
When she starts asking you questions about your life, particularly digging for info about you possibly dating, that's progress. Be vague in response, regardless of the truth.
When she starts to own her part, that's progress. Tell her how much you appreciate her saying it, and own some fault of yours in response. These are healing moments.
When she starts making physical contact with you, completely unsolicited, that's progess. Do not reciprocate at all at first.
When she invites you to do things with her alone, or with her and the kids, that's progress. Accept some, but not all of her invitations.
When she starts acting annoyed or hurt that you're doing fun things with the kids without her, that's progress.
If you are working on yourself, you are not spinning your wheels. If you are trying to "fix" your R, you are spinning your wheels, until she wants to "fix" it too.
When she starts to comment on differences in you, completely unsolicited, that's progress. Act casual about them.
When she flirts with you at all, that's progress. Flirt back, a little, but be coy.
When she starts asking you questions about your life, particularly digging for info about you possibly dating, that's progress. Be vague in response, regardless of the truth.
When she starts to own her part, that's progress. Tell her how much you appreciate her saying it, and own some fault of yours in response. These are healing moments.
When she starts making physical contact with you, completely unsolicited, that's progess. Do not reciprocate at all at first.
When she invites you to do things with her alone, or with her and the kids, that's progress. Accept some, but not all of her invitations.
When she starts acting annoyed or hurt that you're doing fun things with the kids without her, that's progress.
If you are working on yourself, you are not spinning your wheels. If you are trying to "fix" your R, you are spinning your wheels, until she wants to "fix" it too.
Originally Posted By: DanF Something else. Being a man, but can that work without me apologizing in terms of her biggest issue? My selfishness.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Yes, you can. Own it, verbally -- ONCE. Maybe twice. And then just LIVE OUT YOUR CHANGES BEFORE HER, never commenting on it again, other than a "thank you" if SHE notices it, and compliments you on it.
***END OF HIJACK***
Puppy
Sorry puppy, but now I am confused again.
I thought everyone told me not to apologize.
Are you saying above that I should tell her these things (apologize), just once, and verbally, to validate her feelings and let her know that I get it now?
Did for losts of things, but always defended myself as not being selfish, but was too busy with other responsibilities. In the intimacy area, I told her I thought she was ok with it since she never said "no" and enjoying it since she got "O" 80% of the time. She said that her body just responded to what I was doing to it. I never apologized for making her feel like "a piece of meat". That makes me feel sick. I was giving her what I wanted and what I thought she wanted, but it wasn't what she needed. It was more sex than making love.
