Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

In my continuing efforts to gain a better understanding of this nightmare I find myself and my family in - I re-read several texts regarding marriage, separation, and addiction. I came across this piece and it struck me that there are similarities between pieces of MLC and sex addiction. Phases of Sex Addiction:

1. Initiation Phase – catalytic events and/or catalytic environments combine with individual tendencies to precipitate addiction. In contrast to healthy, life enhancing sexual activity, sex now becomes the “drug of choice,” used to escape or cope. (found my husband's stash of porn)
2. Establishment Phase – behavior patters are established. The addictive cycle forms and is repeated; trance-like preoccupation intensified by rituals leads to compulsive sex behavior, which is followed by shame and despair. For descriptive purposes, addicts whose behavior stays more or less consistently at the base line of established addiction are said to remain in the establishment phase. (phone chats begin)
3. Contingent Phase (Escalation Mode) – The individuals addictive system is now fully established and given certain events and environments, begins to escalate – more intensity, more frequency, more risk, more unmanageability, etc. Behavior may escalate at a varying rate, or it may de-escalate. (find second phone / physical encounters begin - engaged in IC, MC - he continues hook-ups)
4. Contingent Phase (De-escalation Mode) – In this mode, the addiction is still fully established, but for various reasons, addictive behaviors are less frequent, less risky; in general, there is less unmanageability. Behavior may de-escalate for the remainder of the addict’s life without the addict dismantling the internal addictive system and really recovering. Or behavior may escalate and the addiction may progress to the acute phase. (H discloses illness / engages in heavy doses of therapy and recovery for approximately 3 months / needs a fix )
5. Acute Phase – the individual breaks with reality, abandoning his or her value system, becoming alienated from significant others and isolated within him-or herself. Typically, addiction plateaus at a high level of activity; behavior patterns become rigid. The addiction cycle is played out despite obvious risks; preoccupation is almost constant while shame and despair are seldom, if ever, felt. The addiction may continue to an end state, stopped only by physical or social consequences such as death or confinement. Or addiction may de-escalate. (Late April, 10 - ILYBNLILWY - detaches from marriage - meanness escalates, no emotions, no remorse - just wants free from me / begins phone chats again / separated)
6. Chronic Phase – the addiction is irreversible and, as such, no longer responsive to any treatment. Most chronic phase addicts are institutionalized. Behavior is limited only by opportunity. (Fearful of H hitting )

Why am I studying this? I find myself sometimes waivering between is it SA or MLC - WTF????? It doesn't matter!!!! My H is sick and I have been a co-addict in the process!! (I wish you knew how painful it is for me to admit this!) The co-addict rarely leaves the relationship. More than anything, the co-addict tries to maintain appearances that everything is under control, that the family is a "Better Homes and Gardens" family. To leave would break the image and acknowledge to the world the weakness of the relationship.

God that hurts!!!!!