It's not so much about saying things you wouldn't say to their face, it's more about having the time to give a well thought out response instead of off the cuff remarks that you might regret saying in the heat of the moment.
For me it's simply about not having to speak to him, not worrying about getting emotional, and having info documented. My X is great for trying to say I have agreed to something that I didn't. So if it is all in writing then he can't do that. I also don't have to listen to him, the man who walked away from his family for the OW, complain about being a part-time dad! When we talk on the phone he always tries to work that into the conversation. Wow, I feel really sorry for you X! Ha ha
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
LOL! Too true! Gee......complaining about your consequences for your own actions? Surprise, surprise!
I know! He chose to walk away and then has the balls to complain that he doesn't see the kids enough. Hmmmm, sounds like a consequence of your choice to me!
BobbiJo, I thnk in your case Dan needs to feel the consequences of his actions. A little less access to his family seems to be what is needed.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
So, Dan called at 4:45 to see how Nathan was feeling and whether they had baseball practice tonight (REALLY? The kid has a fever!)...and to see if I had Sydney or if she was at daycare for picking-up purposes.
Anyway Nathan overheard me mention baseball (no practice tonight),and was bawling when I got off the phone. I asked why. He said he was afraid to practice baseball with his dad in case he would hit him!?! I know he had the bad dream earlier, but seriously!
I said, "Honey, has your dad ever kicked you?" He said "No." I said, "Has he hit you?" And Nathan said, "Kinda." He has grabbed him by the shoulder roughly or pushed/pulled at him before, as in (push) "Go get your backpack" or (pull) "Come and listen to me when I am talking to you" but he has never ever hit him that I am aware of...
Anyway Nathan said he hates when his Dad yells at him, he doesn't want to practice,etc. I said, "Do you still like baseball?" because I don't want that ruined for him. He said yes but after his dream he was afraid to practice with his dad.
Then he asked me, "Can't you talk to Daddy about not yelling at me like you did when I was trying to ride my bike?"
So minutes later Dan got there and Nathan's eyes were all red from crying. I said we needed to talk (bc I didn't want Nathan to try and talk to him and not feel like his dad heard him). I said Nathan had a very bad dream this morning. Then Nathan said, "I was playing baseball and not hitting good and you kicked me and hit me and yelled at me."
Dan's face looked like Nathan had started flying, I mean he looked that surprised. I stepped in and said, "Now Nathan said he is scared to practice with you bc he thinks you are going to get mad at him and yell at him."
As I was talking Nathan's face crumpled and he started bawling. Dan told him to come over to him and he did and Dan wrapped him in a hug, Nathan was just crying and holding his dad. Dan said, "Have I ever hit you or kicked you? Don't I tell you when you do a good job?" All said in a soft soothing voice but he deflected it all, said he would never hurt Nathan, he just needs to pay attention some times that's all, that he was proud of him and he could play very well, etc etc. Nathan was shaking and I think Dan was totally shocked by it all.
After a minute or two of squeezing and back-rubbing Dan stood back up and they got ready to leave. I hope it sinks in a little. I do not want Nathan afraid of his own dad...
Great job, BBJ. Your son needed some support in bringing that to Dad's attention and you were there. Dad probably had no idea he had that effect on his son, now he'll hopefully be more aware. Btw, when are your Cardinals going home?
Thanks for the support, I don't want to interfere in their relationship but I will ALWAYS be an advocate for my kids. Nathan already comes to me when he has a problem (recently kids at school made fun of him for wearing a shirt with Woody from Toy Story on it and said Toy Story clothes were for little kids--mind you he's only seven!)...we talk things over and try to find solutions together. I want to lay the groundwork now so that as he is older he can feel comfortable talking to me.
So, I went out to mow for an hour before my class today. Came in at 12:50, no missed calls on cell, no messages.
Then at 2:00 I get a call from daycare. They have been "trying to get ahold of me"...I look back in home phone and there is 1 missed call from them at 12:38 but they didn't leave a message!?! Seriously, that had been 90 minutes earlier...
So anyway Nathan is running 102.9 again. I tried to call Dan as I was in my class but got his cell phone VM which said "Mail box full." Then I called his office and secretary said he was out but should be back bc customers were there for him. She didn't know where he was...
His parents are headed out of town for the weekend. SO, I called my mom and had her go pick him up even though it is Dan's day with them. Call it rescuing but hey I had a sick little boy to deal with!
She brought him to me and he is on the couch, I am on break for class but they just called us back in. I left Sydney at day care for him to pick up and he will come get Nathan after work. Seriously doubt he even has a thermometer in his house...
I took him yesterday Mish. They said most likely viral. If he still has fever tomorrow I am supposed to start him on antibiotics and let the doc know...
