Either way, its time for you to start living a healthy life and setting an example for him....
The FT articles are just a start. Begin collecting lots of interesting stuff, but don't SHARE it with him... shut him out... If he wants to be part of the marriage he has to work for it... if you chase him with the marriage like its a baseball bat he's not going to cooperate with you...
So, start enjoying yourself and your marriage without him.. take the kids out and exclude him... make dinner for you and the kids and don't make him any...
start showing him what divorce is going to feel like...
He can't miss you if you are in his pocket 24 x 7
I feel I've been doing a pretty good job of this - getting my stuff together to go back to school, going places with kids. Some of the other stuff is harder because my 180 would be to always cook dinner - keep the laundry caught up - do more "wife" things... Like I said: I was a depressed person for several years who wasn't much of a wife, I admit it. So now, I feel I kinda have to be the wife to show him what he could have. It's a difficult balance! Obviously he's noticed, but now what? I've been nice as pie but been very careful to detach and not be needy at all. That's the best I know to do right now.
I think it may also be a conflict of itnerests for her to see you as IC and see your H as a FT... tehre may be someone at the same location as your IC maybe?
My advice on cooking and such is to do it for you and the kids, but leave the H out of it... That way you are detaching, but he can also see what the better world looks like, and smells like...
If you make a nice dinner and clean all their laundry fresh for them and he's left out.. he's going to be thrown off the throne again... which is the objective here..
And even sending the letter as I wrote it isn't a bad thing, its just a 180... you want him to be thrown off center...
He's gotten way to comfortable and that's why he's pushing the boundaries into unhealthy places.. he's TOO COMFORTABLE...
You want to be fair, but put him in his place at the same time.. NOT inviting himt o things and with the FT telling him outright he's NOT WELCOME to come along will frustrate him in a good way most likely...
There are several therapists at the same location where I've been going for IC. I just don't want some weak-willed person who isn't strong into tough love or DB or something similar! Sometimes, counseling can hurt more than it helps if it isn't the right kind! I genuinely believe that. Hoping to really know before I commit to someone.
That letter was DEFINITELY a 180; nothing like I would usually write, even making it more my own. First, it's way shorter, lol. Second, I said nothing real about my feelings other than my determination to do my part, etc...
The other things are good ideas as well. I'm not sure how to pull off cooking but not having him eat! I guess one way would be to have dinner earlier than when he gets home. hmmm. As for laundry, he's accustomed to doing his own so no big switch there. His work stuff all goes to dry cleaning. I've been making more of an effort to do things with my kids while he is playing XBox and such, or even when he's not. He's always "welcome to come along" but I plan without him right now. My youngest son always tells him or our plans and makes sure to include him - which is fine.
As for not being welcome at FT, right now I really don't think he'll care but maybe a week or so down the road.
I did just notice that it's been an hour and he has not replied back. SO...either he's waiting because I didn't respond right away or who knows. Usually we reply to each other's emails quickly since we both have Blackberrys.
Just keep yoru feelings to yourself for now... your actions are what he needs to hear... adult actions... you are setting an example for him ... an example of an adult... that's all...
and what you do to him when you don't inculde him is effectivley give him a time out.. you aren't throwing him out of the family, just excluding him until he learns to cooperate
And yes, make dinner earlier... and make sure nothings left behind for him to eat...
It IS possible to NOT doing anything for your spouse but still show tremendous improvement in yourself... just don't SHARE those imporovements with him... nothing wrong with wtiholding a marriage from someone who wants to drive it into a ditch...
He may be having an EA, he may just be addicted to porn.. there's something he doesn't want you to see that's all you know right now...
I wish he had not emailed me at all, actually. I feel he is "making me pay" but not responding to my response or something. HE initiated it yet now he's not responding? I know he got it too because he replied quickly to a subsequent email I had to have an answer on right away.
I know - shouldn't care. I just don't know why he bothered emailing me in the first place...wanting to know about MY feelings but not sharing his, etc...
He emailed you because he's confused.. he's got a lot of emotions rushing through his mind right now and he doens't understand them and can't safely cope...
MLC, addiction, or whatever it is he cant' manage so he just thrashes out doing actions on impulse... that's all he's doing is letting his impulses guide him...
In short, he's a child.
People don't worry about WHY chlidren act out the way they do... We accept that they are just in a place where they don't know any better...
Adults get like that often too... Don't try to make sense of it. If you try to make sense of it he's just going to draw you into his emotional drama and trust me you do NOT want to be there...
Let him put himself through this nonsense and MINIMIZE the impact this has on YOU and your FAMILY...
Stop the analysis... It won't get you anywhere...
It isn't about not caring, its about knowing what's HEALTHY for you and what is SICK... And getting involved in how HE FEELS right now is going to make YOU ILL...
Avoid it... avoid it and do healthy things for you and your family ... and hopefully that healthy example will be enough to draw HIM in into YOUR world instead and you BOTH will get much better..
VERY good thoughts and sage advice, Allen. You don't know how much I needed to hear that right now! After never responding, he just came home from work and did the usual, let-me-not-get-too-close-and-stay-surfacy thing. I'm glad I read this exactly when I did!!!! Otherwise, I would not be as calm and sane as I am at the moment! :-)
He's not going to like your letter.. but he DID need to HEAR that...
He wanted you to feel SORRY for him and CODDLE his addictive behaviour... your letter told him NO...
Your letter told him to GROW UP
He's not going to reply to that... He's going to pretend he didn't hear it...
So you just keep saying that... and AVIOD talking.. this is something I learned early on.. if they don't reply its because their instincts can't process... what happens is their emotions end up bottled up and they come to a boil and his reply will come out in a rant at one point..
Be ready to WALK AWAY if he tries that...
YOu have three teenagers, this should be easy enough to deal with... Just imagine right now you have one extra...
