I have been going back and forth on having "the talk". Part of me feels it would help with closure and allowing myself to express myself freely... for me. Another part of me thinks 1. I am too vulnerable to have that convo with a stone and 2. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling.
I think you got some wise advice on this one. Not sure exactly what you feel you'd like to tell him, but I would just gently send you back what you told me once -- seems like so long ago- H may no longer be safe to tell any feelings whatsoever to. It's sad to realize that, but I think you were right when you told me that. If he wasn't available emotionally before, he definitely won't be now and may even lash out at you out of guilt/anger/blame and you may end up with no feeling of closure or relief. I think if you're prepared for that outcome and still want to say something, then it's ok. But if you're not sure you can/want to take whatever comes back, wait. You can always speak up later, but you can't take it back once it's out.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
I'm thinking of saying him that I am ready to proceed with the legal separation (which is what I assume he is referring to), but that we need to agree on a vision of how we want to raise our children first. They come first, the comfort of our financial futures comes second.
Without being nasty about it, I want to tell him that I don't give a flying flip about whether he gets to be a homeowner when S6 needs occupational therapy and I want the children to be able to continue to live in their current home where they have lived their whole lives.
I do think some of this is important to say to him in some way. He definitely has his priorities backwards, from what he's written. Maybe it's easier for H to focus on concrete details like $ rather than deal with "messy" emotional stuff about the kids. It's unfortunate that for a lot of people here, one parent- usually the LBS- has to focus on the kids whether or not the WAS does and even go above and beyond to compensate for the other not doing what they should. I think this is an extremely selfish time for the WAS all around. You and I can't imagine not putting our kids first no matter what we'd like for ourselves, but I guess some people can do that quite easily.
But it might be good- like you are thinking- to tell him you're ready to proceed (if you are- I know you may not ever feel 100% ready), just to let him know you're not trying to stall him (b/c if he thinks you are, he might not be able to hear anything else you need him to), BUT the priority is the kids first and you guys have serious stuff to discuss that takes precedent over buying houses, etc. Has he shown any openness to seeing someone for co-parenting advice/guidance with you?
((((FM))))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
