embracing change

[rr22]

Only you know about #1. And #2, if he's being smug about his awesome hunky new life eat my dust whateverness, you may have a point.

[Freckle6]

Hi stranger! Is he expecting you to help him move and pack as well? Hmph.

I agree he does sound done. HOWEVER, the same way you got from "till death do us part" to here, being done *now* doesn't mean he's done forever and ever. Not that I want you, or anyone, to site and pine for their S in the possibility that they may have second thoughts at some point, just know that done doesn't always mean totally done.

My H had a Realtor and was looking at houses to buy a couple of years ago. He had a long time girlfriend at that point and I was even expecting them to move in together in it. My S was telling me how Daddy was getting a new house with a bedroom just for him. Punch in the gut describes it perfectly.

At this point, I don't think any R talk will affect him at all. I remember sending one last ditch email and told him I was done fighting him on a D--that I didn't have it in me anymore and it was 100% not what I wanted at all, but if he did, I'd cooperate . Then I got kind of b!tchy in it and told him that he's turned into someone I don't recognize anymore and that if he ever saw DXXXXX(husband's nickname--a version of his middle name--his whole family calls him and he used all through school) to let him know that I had loved him, that I had tried, and that I was sorry but I just can't hold on anymore. Then I said, "Goodbye, GXXXXX" (H's first name that he uses for work and started insisting it was his "real" name). I don't know if it had any affect on him, but it did give me some closure. So, if you want to say one last thing for you, go ahead, just try to realize that it probably won't even register with him.

[flowmom]

Thanks for the replies...I really appreciate it.

I am so grateful that I was able to receive that email and feel it as a blow, but not be devastated by it. And talking with some friends and feeling the love helps me to know that there is more than divorce in my life.

Freckle, your post is helpful to me. You are so wise.

[ReelingW/aSmile]

Flowmom,

I've been off the boards for a few weeks but had to come and catch up on your sitch. I am cheering you on! You have so much on your plate right now. It's hard to make decisions and sort out feelings on so many fronts.

I hope you can find some solid advice for your son's education and therapy. These funding and resource issues are very overwhelming to navigate and it's usually left up to the parents to figure it out. It's frustrating to have to spend your own resources seeking a diagnosis.

1. I am too vulnerable to have that convo with a stone and 2. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling.

I could have written that.

[CityGirl]

I would be very tempted to e-mail him back (or tell him when you see him at the next child exchange)

H: When you have a financial settlement drafted you may send it to my attny for review. When the draft is complete let me know and I will supply you with the contact information for my legal counsel. Also, I will be having a plan drafted regarding assistance for son and the funds that will be needed. Where shall I have that sent for your review?

NOW he wants to put something formal in place? Why is that? Because he wants something (a new house). Never mind when you were needing things that went far beyond a financial plan.

Put the ball in his court. Let him figure it all out and then you review it.

[newmama]

(((hugs))) I know you have been saying for some time now that you didn't see any hope for R. But when the reality of D hits anyone, it is still a blow!

FM, I think maybe because you have done a decent job of detaching, it helped you to not feel devestated.

I have been going back and forth on having "the talk". Part of me feels it would help with closure and allowing myself to express myself freely... for me. Another part of me thinks 1. I am too vulnerable to have that convo with a stone and 2. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling.

And what is also funny is that I was thinking that I was messed up for not wanting to talk to my stbxh about the end of our marriage, but you summarized your feelings about it so well and they matched what I was feeling! ANd then others said they felt the same!

OK so you may have seen that I did have a disorganized, unproductive discussion with stbxh (no- wait, a discussion involves 2 or more people right? where is the sarcastic face). I have no idea what prompted me to just spring it on him. I was too vulnerable for sure! Like you worry for yourself. But here is what I got from it

1)I was allowed to express myself freely for "me" like you want to do. It felt great but

2)I was talking to a stone--because he said things like "I'm sorry." "I have doubts about this. But I think it is the right thing to do." "Yes." "No."
BLECHHH! Not insightful or helpful! USELESS!! Oh wait- my curiosity was "fulfilled" in a couple of ways, but it was not satisfying

3) unfortunately, because I spoke freely, I allowed him to know what I was feeling and thinking about lots of things AND I REGRET IT! So it felt good at first to let it all out but then I thought "oh crap. Why did I say such and such? Did this make it worse?"
ANd I was not swearing or yelling or anything.

And soooo, after all of this, I thought to myself: "Why in the world didn't I just sit down and write a letter/email? I KNEW he wasn't capable of a 'back and forth' discussion!"

I also thought that I could have just written down what I wanted to say and planned it out and then had notes to refer to, lol!


OK I share this on your thread because you had the foresight to think about the pros and cons of talking to him!

[courageous wife]

FM

Right now it is about YOU and your kids! YOu have to do waht is best for you!

[Lost Rabbit]

Echo CW make this all about what you need! What ever made him think that he could put himself put his children.... oh I forgot he thinks hes can behave like a child too?

Sorry to hear its come to this, you are a lovely lady and certainly deserve to be treated better, and all my hope and prayers that one day when the time is right you will find some one to treat you like a lady just as you deserve (())

[TimeHeals]

I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling.

If you want satisfaction, it may still be yours. Just wait until you are moving on with your life and some drama from him invades your nice new life and you think, "Hmmm? What is HIS problem? Oh well.... Wonder what color I am going to paint these walls?".

[alice444]

I have been going back and forth on having "the talk". Part of me feels it would help with closure and allowing myself to express myself freely... for me. Another part of me thinks 1. I am too vulnerable to have that convo with a stone and 2. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling.

I think you got some wise advice on this one. Not sure exactly what you feel you'd like to tell him, but I would just gently send you back what you told me once -- seems like so long ago- H may no longer be safe to tell any feelings whatsoever to. It's sad to realize that, but I think you were right when you told me that. If he wasn't available emotionally before, he definitely won't be now and may even lash out at you out of guilt/anger/blame and you may end up with no feeling of closure or relief. I think if you're prepared for that outcome and still want to say something, then it's ok. But if you're not sure you can/want to take whatever comes back, wait. You can always speak up later, but you can't take it back once it's out.

I'm thinking of saying him that I am ready to proceed with the legal separation (which is what I assume he is referring to), but that we need to agree on a vision of how we want to raise our children first. They come first, the comfort of our financial futures comes second.

Without being nasty about it, I want to tell him that I don't give a flying flip about whether he gets to be a homeowner when S6 needs occupational therapy and I want the children to be able to continue to live in their current home where they have lived their whole lives.

I do think some of this is important to say to him in some way. He definitely has his priorities backwards, from what he's written. Maybe it's easier for H to focus on concrete details like $ rather than deal with "messy" emotional stuff about the kids. It's unfortunate that for a lot of people here, one parent- usually the LBS- has to focus on the kids whether or not the WAS does and even go above and beyond to compensate for the other not doing what they should. I think this is an extremely selfish time for the WAS all around. You and I can't imagine not putting our kids first no matter what we'd like for ourselves, but I guess some people can do that quite easily.

But it might be good- like you are thinking- to tell him you're ready to proceed (if you are- I know you may not ever feel 100% ready), just to let him know you're not trying to stall him (b/c if he thinks you are, he might not be able to hear anything else you need him to), BUT the priority is the kids first and you guys have serious stuff to discuss that takes precedent over buying houses, etc. Has he shown any openness to seeing someone for co-parenting advice/guidance with you?

((((FM))))