My C told me that harboring hate (for anybody or anything really) is about as productive as drinking a dose of lethal poison yet somehow hoping it would kill somebody else.

I have learned there is a big difference between anger and hate. And really, anger has it's place in this process. I do still have anger towards my H at times but I don't hate him. I do hate the way he has behaved and that is something I have to work on. I have learned to use my feelings of "hate" towards him and turn them in to compassion. No matter how much he tries to suppress it (and he is masterful at this) he will always have to live with the fact he cheated. He will always have to live with the fact he walked out on a marriage with no discussion. He will always have to live with the fact he had to be so dishonest to so many people to cover his tracks.

Me? I made mistakes (lots of them) but I don't have to live with any of that. IMO that is why my H *had* to change. One individual can't carry all that around and still be the same person they used to be. That is why I don't believe in the "fog". People change for the worse when their actions are so deplorable it is impossible for them to be the same. It's not a fog (IMO), it's the only way they can survive.

I am sure to most people in my H's life they seem the same person they used to see. Very successful at work, funny, smart, thoughtful, romantic easy going and so on. And for a long time he was all those things to me. But once you shred a R (as our H's did) it is impossible to put up two fronts.

Most people here went through remarkable efforts to rebuild their marriages. The harsh reality is as long as their is OW/OM heavily vested in the picture nothing would have mattered. It is terribly sad... not a child, not an incurable illness, not the very idea of breaking a lifelong commitment can make a spouse who feels done take pause.

And we are left with lots of burden and many unanswered questions. The WAS, in most cases, was left with next to no unanswered questions. It's a tough and painful place to be but we all keep trucking.

My 11 yr. wedding anniversary is Sat. The last two anniversaries (while H was not living here and with OW) he has contacted me. This year I hope he has the good taste not to.