a. When he sends communication.. do NOT panic.. that often results in behaviour on instinct.. instincts are NOT HELPFUL when you are trying to save a marriage... As John Cusack says in High Fidelity : "My Inctincts have sh|t for brains!"
b. Dont' reply right away.. hold off for an hour or so.. texts and emails are better to communicate iwth him right now than in person... a lot of emotions rushing about...
Thanks... I have not replied so far. I've been contemplating what to say but have no yet responded. I will post here before sending. I've waited a good hour at this point.
c. Your husband wants to put you in his pocket.. he expects you to be there where HE wants, HOW he wants and WHEN he wants.. this is demeaning and emotinoally destructive...
All you hae to do to avoid being put in that place is NOT be WHERE he wants, WHEN he wants, and HOW he wants...
this doens't mean you ignore him or don't cooperate, but you do it on YOUR TERMS.. be FAIR, but maintain your dignity...
He doens't NEED a reply five minutes after sending an email, that just makes you look like a doding child and does NOT earn hsi RESPECT
RESPECT is the line here... emailing someone immediately after they email you when they are treating you like CRAP disrespects YOU... take your time, think on what he has to say...
This is what I've come up with thus far - in blue:
How are you doing? I think I over did it last night. My left calf is killing me and it affects how I walk. I’m going to take a few nights off from that. Probably a good idea. Sorry it's hurting - can try some motrin and put some stuff on it and maybe sit in the tub would be a good .
That was my attempt at small talk. :o) Nothing wrong with small talk. :-)
Maybe we should talk about things. I know they are not where you want them and I wonder how long you can go with things as they are.
You have made huge improvements and I don’t want you to think they have gone unnoticed. Thank you for your efforts. :o) Thank you for noticing. I do feel better about myself than I have in a LONG time. I know I can reach my goals instead of doubting myself or feeling hopeless. It's a very good feeling in that regard. Are things with you and I where I want them? No - you're right, they aren't. For the most part, I've just been doing as we discussed before and focusing on me though. I have no idea where you are at in your thoughts so I would love to hear them. I have been thinking a lot on what a healthy relationship is and how it looks - how it feels - how it sounds - all of that - and that's what I want.
Do you want to share your thoughts now? Is it easier to write it down or talk in person? I don't have a problem with us talking in person, but often I find I communicate better in writing for some reason... in conveying my true feelings. Of course, that's assuming they are read on the receiving end as they are intended while I'm writing. :-)
I agree....hold off on answering, you don't have to jump when he says...Are you talking to a DB coach? They are experts at coaching you what to say and do, so that you can get the best results. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I agree....hold off on answering, you don't have to jump when he says...Are you talking to a DB coach? They are experts at coaching you what to say and do, so that you can get the best results. Take good care.
Thanks for your input, Karen. I have not to this point as I haven't been able to afford it. Not that I won't ever be able to, but had to put it on the backburner to pay the mortgage!
PS: In my response I was tempted to say that as far as I knew, he was still not wanting to work on the marriage... that he knows how I feel .... that the ball is in his court... that in his previous email he talked about "dating" to try to rediscover feelings... yet none of that has happened. I started to ask if things were like HE wants them to be.
Thanks... I have not replied so far. I've been contemplating what to say but have no yet responded. I will post here before sending. I've waited a good hour at this point.
You don't HAVE to reply...
He's been belligerent about owning any damage in the marriage thus far and wont' see a family therapist, you may find the best thin to do is just ignore him until HE starts apologizing...
That's teh thing, when people get on their high horse a dynamic is initiated.. they try to get YOU humbled and begging for THEIR time and forgiveness...
When you resist this you throw them off kilter...
Right nwo he's acting like he's the big hero and he's the one with all the cards and YOU owe HIM a better marriage... If you cater to that dynamic then he's just going to CONTINUE it and MILK it for all its worth...
I am not saying be difficult with him, I am just saying not to immediately fall into the dyanmic he's setting up.. its all ubiquitous but its there...
I'm sure you're right, Allen. My problem is, I know there are ways in which I DID owe him a better marriage. I was a depressed wife for several years, not even keeping the house clean or making myself attractive. Having said that, I do not believe going outside the marriage is justified - don't care how depressed I was. Don't care if EA or PA - both are wrong. Knowing this makes me unsure of how/when to respond. I AM feeling confident in myself and yet, you are right - he's no big hero either and doesn't deserve all the cards.
