Ok, so you all know that my wife has considered me to be selfish in the past and I have continued to defend myself in this area based on all the hard work that I felt I did to get our family into a comfortable position. Last week-end, one of you told me to "Stop defending myself and validate her feelings." I felt that was very good advice and I have been thinking about this a lot over many sleepless nights. On Sunday night, I barely slept at all. She knows this and asked me why, but I only said, why do you think?
I think that you guys may be against this, but I am thinking that I need to accept her criticisms and validate her feelings in this area before we can make ANY progress. I have only been DBing for a couple of weeks yet, but I feel that this is something I have to do. In my situation, I'm not sure what to look for as positive progress, since we are pretty much always nice to each other, so not fighting isn't progress. What should I consider progress? Maybe a hug or kiss? Or putting a ring back on? Since D is filed, I'm not sure the ring thing will happen.
Anyway, here is the final apology I am thinking about giving her. Let me know what you guys think. No offense to the rest of you, but Puppy, you have been great for me and I would also appreciate hearing from a woman on this one too. How about it Sandi or Greek? Sorry to beg, but God knows I need the help right now.
Here it is:
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said about me being selfish and I want you to know that I accept it and that I agree with you. When you took the kids to the movies, or to the beach and you asked me if I wanted to go, I said “no”, because those were things that I didn’t enjoy doing, but that shouldn’t have mattered. It was very selfish of me not to be there with you and the kids and I am sure that I missed a lot of good interaction time with them and with you. I should have accepted your invitations and been acting more like a family. I wish I would have gone with you and if I had understood how much it was hurting you and my relationship with the kids, I probably would have gone along. I really regret not participating in those events, but I am going to learn from those mistakes and work to make my relationship with the kids the best it can be. Going forward, I really am going to need them as much as they are going to need me.
Regarding our intimate interactions, I am sorry that what I did made you feel like an object, or possession or piece of meat. That was certainly not my intent, but hearing what you have said and looking back on my actions, I can understand how I caused you to feel that way. No one should have to live that way or feel like that, especially with their spouse. I was being selfish in taking care of my own needs, when I should have been focusing on your needs and making sure they were met and you were happy. That is my job as a husband and I am sorry that I failed you in that regard. I would like to make this better for both of us, but I understand your reluctance to put up with me any longer.
I want to thank you for making me realize these things and to know that I am working very hard to improve myself in these areas, whether that ends up being for us or just because it is the right thing for me to do as a person to improve myself and my future relationships. If, by chance, you change your mind and decide that you do want to try to save our marriage, I think you’ll find me ready and willing to work on all issues – even mine.
