Hmmm... good question, Allen. It's been so long (13 years) I have to think back. When he had the Cyber Affair he never was mean - never said his life was screwed up and it was all my fault. He might've thought it, but never said it. Yet, he was detached somewhat then as well but not to the point he is now. Of course, back then he was probably not dealing with mid-life crap either.
Something I totally forgot to add: in our 3rd year of marriage, when our first 2 kids were very young, he left and wanted out! He claimed at that time the same sort of stuff he's claiming now: that he needed a fresh start, etc... I tried and tried to prove an A at that time but never could. He went to live with a buddy of his and was then deployed. (Was in the service at the time.) During his deployment he decided he wanted to reconcile. Obviously, we did.
SO, this is somewhat of a pattern for him I guess you would say. It was almost 4 years inbetween the separation and the online thing. Then, we had a great 10 year run. The last few years have not been great, but they have not been bad. I take my share of the blame for that. Neither of us made our marriage a priority. The bomb took me by surprise but I will agree, a change is needed.
My IC says that given H's background, it's no wonder he wants to cut and run at the sign of any problem. It's been modeled in his life over and over - by his mom, his birth dad, and his stepdad. His family doesn't even make any attempt to know our children: they are all emotionally disconnected people.
Update: Checked out our 2 bikes last night before H went jogging. One is too small for me to ride and the other needs a tire replaced. (It's been a long time since they've been ridden.) I talked to H about his jobs - how far he goes, etc... I mentioned I could not jog/run and keep up with him but maybe I'd go along on the bike after getting tire fixed. The response was just as he is these days, neither positive nor negative. He didn't enthusiastically act like he wants me to come but he didn't appear negative either. We even joked that it was like my little nephew who biked along while my brother runs. Now, this time when he came home, his clothes were definitely sweaty.
The cellphone: I didn't get a chance to check it out because he showered last night when coming in from his run. I didn't realize this because I was asleep. So...no need to shower this morning. I'll have to be on top of that tonight or tomorrow morning.
FYI: I did try to see if I could get into H's email account but no luck. It's not his usual password any longer. For the longest time he always kept the same one but changed his facebook account after I got into it and I guess he changed the email as well.
The email password he could've changed long ago and I just didn't realize it. The facebook thing was a strange story. A few weeks after the bomb, I decided to check it out and guessed his password. I did not find any inappropriate messages/conversations between him and anyone else. I did find some things he knows I would not approve of: a photographer's site with some skanky pictures; a bunch of tarot card/astrogology stuff; being "friends" with women I felt were not appropriate friends (but no inappropriate msgs). I confronted him on this. He claimed at the time I am too judgmental against people and a snob... blah, blah, blah. The next morning I got an email message from him saying, "Look all you want and some mean remark..." (He had discovered that I had been in his FB account I'm sure.) I responded back that I was no longer going to look - that he was responsible for his own behavior, basically, and that if he chose to carry on relationships or anything else to the demise of our marriage, it was on him. He changed the FB password. That night (Fri) when he came home, he tried acting friendly and I was polite, but cold. This is the weekend he slept in the office. Sunday night was the big, come to a head night in which he inadvertently sent me the text message I have discussed, meant for someone else. I began IC Monday. The big email discussion about our future came on Tuesday, initiated by him. Since then, he has not been belligerent anymore or talked about leaving...things have been good, yet distant.
I'm just not sure what it all means. Is DBing working? Was my confronting him about the FB and text enough to put a kabash on what was going on? If so, why is he still being so distant and not affectionate at all? Do I dare bring up the R again? (My instinct says no, not yet.) Right now I feel I have no leverage to expose anything else... no proof.
He makes comments now in regards to things about our future, even encouraging my decision to go back to school, but these things could possibly apply whether we are together or not. (Being my own devil's advocate.)
How are you doing? I think I over did it last night. My left calf is killing me and it affects how I walk. I’m going to take a few nights off from that.
That was my attempt at small talk. :o)
Maybe we should talk about things. I know they are not where you want them and I wonder how long you can go with things as they are.
You have made huge improvements and I don’t want you to think they have gone unnoticed. Thank you for your efforts. :o)
Do you want to share your thoughts now? Is it easier to write it down or talk in person?
FYI: I did try to see if I could get into H's email account but no luck. It's not his usual password any longer. For the longest time he always kept the same one but changed his facebook account after I got into it and I guess he changed the email as well.
Then I guess you have your answer.
As Allen likes to say, "Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing."
Hmmm: Just got this email. Followed by a phone call that was not related at all, but pleasant enough. ????????????? HELP!!
Hi,
How are you doing? I think I over did it last night. My left calf is killing me and it affects how I walk. I’m going to take a few nights off from that.
That was my attempt at small talk. :o)
Maybe we should talk about things. I know they are not where you want them and I wonder how long you can go with things as they are.
You have made huge improvements and I don’t want you to think they have gone unnoticed. Thank you for your efforts. :o)
Do you want to share your thoughts now? Is it easier to write it down or talk in person?
