I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

Thanks awest for encouraging me to not hate stbx! And for posting on my thread. I hope that when you are ready, you will be able to find a terrific guy who will be your son's stepdad.

What is funny is that I was reading SRomeo's thread and he was admitting to how he wants to be able to go off on stbx and speak his mind. Of course the posters are telling him to refrain. But I was thinking of all the very nasty things I have wanted to say to stbxh..too vulgar to post here! I usually daydream about saying them to him when I am driving and it is amazing how many nasty names you can think of when referring to OW!

It also made me realize that when I have argued with stbxh, I haven't said super terrible things but definitely have responded based on emotion. And "steam rolled" or whatever--just horrible communication skills when it comes to dealing with conflict!

Between the 2 of us, I definitely am more verbal and have the tendency to speak in "monologues" instead of "dialogue!" We also both get defensive. So if I noticed that he took care of the laundry, I feel ashamed that I didn't do it and worry that he did it, thinking I was lazy, and felt resentful. Holy crap- now I get that he saw it needed to be done, did it, and PROBABLY HOPED I WOULD APPRECIATE IT! Now of course I was positive most of the time and really did compliment stbxh a lot. I wasn't horrible but am just reflecting on communication areas that needed improvement.

He would get defensive about things like if I said "I thought we were having spaghetti tonight!" if he made hamburgers or something. Now, I truly was just expressing my surprise. Well, he took that as "I wanted spaghetti! Why did you make hamburgers?" and would get defensive. So I would say "no, I mean I don't care! I just thought it was spaghetti." and he would say "well, we can make these hamburgers tomorrow. do you want spaghetti tonight?" arghhhh.....