My game has changed from WAW to EA/PA HELP!!

[twolf]

I.O. i think MWD is great and DB has great advice. I tryed the DB LRT till the dogs came home.

In the DB book it has a section on children of divorce.
It allso said that it works better if both partners are reading the book together.Do you really belive she would want to read the book.

In my stich the stbxw has stated that son will get over the divorce butt their is so many things that could happen to him.

1. divorced children have a higher chance of getting molested.

2.They have a harder time with education.

3. The are more apt to droping out of scholl.

4.Teenage pregancey is more likely to happen at a younger age.

5. They have a higher chance of getting hooked on drugs.

6. They end up with lower self esteam.


This is just a few of the things that could happen and i dont wish any of these to happen to my child.

She and you needs to know what she is prepaird to let your daughter go through.

If guilt comes out of it good if she gets mad thats just because she just got educated and she is angry at the truth at what she caused..

[sandi2]

And,I will try to touch her just once. Simple.
Just human touch.

I'm just one voice....but I say "no touching" until she is begging!

All this other stuff she's been doing...like showing you places on her body? That is nothing more than seeing if she can work "you" at her little female whim! I grant you this....if you started touching her, she would have turned to ice!

[sandi2]

twolf, the more you "preach" to a WAW, the further she'll move away! That is exactly how some LBH's come across with all their finger-pointing, "thou shalt nots","you sinner you", "I'm much better" sermons. If my H had shown me some books about how D affects children or anything on D/M.....I would have slung it back in his face. You might as well be trying to save a demon from hell.

In respect of MWD, perhaps there are a very precious few and far between women who are in "doubt" of S/D, but when you have one who is in an A, I beg to differ.

[twolf]

Ok Sandi i ask you this as a women would you even care about what might happen to your children if you did divorce your husband?

Even in the DB book it desribes what what could happen.

Do you belive that people should be educated on thes facts.

I belive he does not have to tell her but leave the info around for her to find.

If she finds them just say i was researhing on our stich.


My wife was a complete mess when i told her what i did not want to happen to OUR son about growing up with out both parents and what she would do to our family from the choises that she made.

She has put the divorce on hold because she needs more time to think.We had mediation the night before the divorce was to be final when i told her that. The next day we were in court and she told the juidge she need more time to think things throug.
I wish i would of said these thing early on butt i never did.

[CD Bear]

Thank for the input. Although I agree with 2W about the effects of divorce as laid out so clearly in DR, finding the same info without referringto DR (as I don't want her to know about it) is a huge problem. Most research i google always tries to minimize or put a sunny side on the effects to lessen the guilt on the only people who would want to know the effects- divorcing folks.

I also agree with Sandi on not leaving this around for a guilt trip. I'm sure that she's not having a good time (maybe now a little) but the last two years that she took to "consider this option" must have been awful on her. And it showed. I'm not softening on my stance on D. I am however appreciating how dificult it must have been to "think about this that long" because I know one of the reasons she waited til now is that D is over two and more self-sufficient. Not an excuse. But a rational consideration on her part. I don't envy her that.

But to get back to the R, I have to tell you Sandi that she is not showing me; she is offering me to touch. I will consider not touching unless invited but I'm still thinking that if that is what she was missing and I can show her that "it's back", maybe there will be less reason to leave.

Sandi, and I ask you specifically, if you are inviting someone to touch you by showing them a knot in a neck; a scar that has a bump; or even a pimple (which all require a touch to inspect), isn't that different than me "seeking or asking" to touch you? Doesn't that change things? As I said, if she is noticing changes in me emotionally; could this not be seeing if I changed physically/affectionately as well?

Allen and PDT, I know this may sound like mindreading but hear me out. Isn't my theory plausible? Not saying this is what's happening cause we don't know. What I am saying is that IF I DON'T RESPOND TO INVITATION, surely I would be validating her "D Opinion" of me as a withdrawn, unaffectionate husband and she won't live in a marriage like that. That is the crux of her poition in this.

I'm trying to find a DB position on this. I'm hoping all of the experience can recall a similar example that failed due to a complete physical detachment. I don't want to be another example and we all see the pattern AFTER.

On a good note, I found some intersting Canadian law that essentially gives me an excemption on assets (home equiuty) I put into this one. The old mortgagae was mine. So half of what came from the old house is reserved for me. Coles Notes- she could go from pulling 40K to maybe 10K to walk. And I go from 40 to 70. That will benefit D and I and she gets less "reward" for the D. I'm not as stressed as I was.

But I'd really like more "weigh in" on my proposal below.

(yes, I will verify her actions and if there is an A)

If she is interactive and 'her old self', I have decided I will ask about her day.(These are new things I have added to my 180's- if she is interactive, I ask about her day and the "best part") I will show her the man I was and am again now (or working really hard toward it). I will be the adult and the strong leader. And,I will try to touch her just once. Simple.
Just human touch.

If she is not behaving as normal or counter to the direction I intend our family to travel, she will see none of it. I will find something else to do. I will also be diligent of boundaries of time; and when she is here she must be "here". Texting and FB can be done when we aren't interacting with each other or D.

So although she has dropped the bomb, it is not a licence to have an open marriage; nor be unaccountable; or rude.
I am going to set up life for D and I with structure. It's safe and predictable.

Home is for family. Single, selfish behaviour will not be tolerated or ignored.

But I will keep my strength and keep GAL'ing and getting myself centered on who I want to be.

If she likes what she sees when she is "open', then great. If not, I'll tell her she needs to make a decision because I won't do it for her.

If W begins to feel the "family feel", great. If not, fine too. Sad but fine. But I will lead and she must make the choice to follow "US" or go it alone.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

But to get back to the R, I have to tell you Sandi that she is not showing me; she is offering me to touch. I will consider not touching unless invited but I'm still thinking that if that is what she was missing and I can show her that "it's back", maybe there will be less reason to leave.

Sandi, and I ask you specifically, if you are inviting someone to touch you by showing them a knot in a neck; a scar that has a bump; or even a pimple (which all require a touch to inspect), isn't that different than me "seeking or asking" to touch you? Doesn't that change things? As I said, if she is noticing changes in me emotionally; could this not be seeing if I changed physically/affectionately as well?

Allen and PDT, I know this may sound like mindreading but hear me out. Isn't my theory plausible? Not saying this is what's happening cause we don't know. What I am saying is that IF I DON'T RESPOND TO INVITATION, surely I would be validating her "D Opinion" of me as a withdrawn, unaffectionate husband and she won't live in a marriage like that. That is the crux of her poition in this.

Callasdad,

If you disagree, take it up with MWD. The concepts are all counter-intuitive, I'll grant you, but this is what she teaches, and this what we've seen work, both in our own sitches and those of hundreds of others.

Puppy

[CD Bear]

Will do.

[CD Bear]

Sorry, PDT.
I didn't know what to do with your last. And my thoughts were not kind. A little emotional, I guess.
BUT I HAVE BEEN SAVED!! Completely by accident, no less.

I stumbled across the Hello Kittyfish and Sand2 thread for Big John. Good Lord! I'm only at p4 and I have added two entire pages of quotes to my "I am here" document where I keep my little excerpts for guidance.

DROP THE ROPE, STUPID!!!!

It's funny that I came across it because I was thinking today if it even mattered about the affair or not. If she doesn't figure it out, why would I be interested in havin her back. And, just as strange, she came out on the deck to have a smoke with me and started off on "her day" and I found myself thinking "So what".

I started toward the door back in midsentence. She kept going but I heard D looking for W so I went in and closed the door.

And when D wanted M, I said "OK. Go see mom" and went back to my laptop and finished an email. W brought D over for Goodnight and that was that.

And that's when I found it!!

Wow, do I feel better now. Between what I now believe is "getting it" and the strength I felt Monday night, Ihaven't felt this good in 6 weeks or more.

I don't know how I'll deal with her physical invitations when they occur but I'd like some suggestions. All I could come up with is "You should see a doctor, maybe"

I'm not even sure if I'm gonna bother spending the 100 bucks for the GPS phone ti see where she's going other than making sure D isn't in contact with the A.

Am I on the right track or over-reacting? The emotional rollercoaster of the last couple weeks tends to make my strategies and thoughts do the same.

Little help?

[sandi2]

Ok Sandi i ask you this as a women would you even care about what might happen to your children if you did divorce your husband?

I would think the majority of women "cae" what happens to their children. But the problem is...she is deep in a fantasy where she sees herself and the children so much better off in her "make belief" world she's created.

Do you belive that people should be educated on thes facts.

Of course I do! However, if your W in involved in an A then it is difficult for her to be teachable. It's like leading a horse to water....you can't make the horse drink it. It's my personal belief that a WAW would be more teachable about the facts when delivered from another person, b/c she has built a wall to keep whatever you say out.

I'm just saying that most of the H's try to verbalize all this information in an attempt to stop the W from leaving the M. But she has so much negative feelings toward him, that it gets in the way of her "learning" from his verbal attempts to educate her.

I think that carefully chosen statements that are thought out in advance...can be "responses" to things the WAW may thow at you. Short but packed with hard punches. What I try to tell LBH's is that when it begins to sound as if he is so much better than she is.....and if it begans to sound like a sermon, you've lost her b/c she will rebel against it, simply b/c it came from "you".

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't know how I'll deal with her physical invitations when they occur but I'd like some suggestions. All I could come up with is "You should see a doctor, maybe"

Yeah, that's good. Or "If you're that concerned, maybe you should see a doctor. Hate to cut you off, but I have to go (insert GAL activity here)."

Puppy