Completely Blindsided

[fullmoon]

and let her feel guilty... she has homework to do and needs to ask herself what they are.

[blind]

Moon, I think you're right...but how do i know when to increase the contact?


Today was a terrible day, but for once nothing to do with W.

I dropped a letter opener at work and grabbed for it... as the handle pressed against my knee... meaning my palm got the business end!

I lodged the damn thing in deep enough that I needed to yank it out. I was on a work call and going into shock at the time, so tried to finish the call off and get my coworker to get me some tissues.

..I'm told that I finished the call and didn't pass out until the blood spilt over from the pool collecting in my hand and onto the floor.

I caused such a fuss in the office, spent the afternoon at the doctors getting fixed up, and still feel light headed. I'm even typing this one handed.

So... the idea of writing goals has left me completely tonight, as did most of my plans. Bugger.

Still, gave me something else to think about! I feel like such an idiot!

Oh well, fingers crossed it'll heal quick and I won't miss out on dancing.

[fullmoon]

oooowwwww nngggggghhhhaaa!!!
OMG I HATE PAIN. Just reading it makes me squirm!
Must've been really painful, hope you are ok?

Whenever I don't feel too well I try to make a list of positives in my life and it lifts me up a bit.
If done in the morning you'll have a good start to your day... my friend pasted motivating words where she can see them on the mirror etc and said that worked really well.


OK... on my side H contacted me. It's been about a month of nc.
A while ago my DB coach told me apologies never come in the forms you want or expect... if they ever will. When I told her about how H insulted me then sent me a cheery email, she told me that is a way of an apology of some sort and I need to 'teach' him to keep the positives going. (I just had to tell him to cut it out though, then was zapped with retaliation email and I went into nc)

Apology or not, I'm not going to even open the email for a while... the more I'm in nc I realise I can't do everything for R, I need to hold my head high.
If it doesn't work out bc I kept my dignity then it's just not worth it anyway.

[blind]

Yeah, a little bit of 'ow' tbh.

Actually, pain doesn't bother me too much. I didn't notice much beyond the initial spike... it's deeper then most of the nerve endings, so it's more a dull ache than a sharp pain.

Writing a list of positives is a great idea... once the typing speed gets back up to scratch!

It's interesting to think of the emails as apologies... I guess thats getting back into the idea of love languages and understanding how people express different things.

When did you H contact you Moon? is this new?? a month of NC sounds hard... And not opening the email, talk about willpower!

I sent W an email just now... again, kept it light and happy, elluded to the stuff I'll be doing without much detail... we'll see what happens I guess.

I can understand wanting to reclaim dignity. I need to start getting that into my head.

[fullmoon]

It's interesting to think of the emails as apologies...

I think it must be the kiss a$$ thing... you know how you try to make up by breaking the silence when you fight with someone and never really apologize straight away.
Must be one of those.

H sent me an invite to some social networking site yesterday with no msg. I'm not going to respond to it, it looks more like a bait.

If I do he will take me for granted and will keep saying 'I hope you're ok to be friends'
Well I don't need a friend who swears at me so NO, I'm not going to react at all unless he becomes a bit desperate and wants to do his homework.
If he doesn't, that's fine I'll just walk. I'm not going to be so easy anymore.

[blind]

Hey Piano, what happened to your posts? I was about to reply to them, but they seem to have been deleted? I was going to say that it must be odd being back here, I'm not the biggest fan of this town, and I can't wait to back my things and head out again.

Having a bit of a low day after a fairly good weekend so far.

Friday night I had driving lesson (one more left), then headed down south of town with a work mate before staying round a friend's place for dinner and company.

I bussed back home (which took FOREVER), then headed to the dance champs, bought stupidly expensive shoes, and watched the dancing... and I think that's where the bad mood started. I'd invited a load of people to come watch with me, but all declined as either busy, or unable to (due to being married with small children)... so I was sat there, alone, wanting to share the moment with someone.

It kicked out at 10, which let me head to a mate's gig... though unfortunately his housemates and fiancee decided not to head out, so it was again me, alone... I didn't stay all night.

I've had a mate come up from out of town, a great mate who is very lovely. We chatted for a few hours, but she's had to get her kids home... so now that's me done. Midday on a Sunday and I have nothing to do. I need to get credit for my phone to call people, but I know most people are busy... and I really SHOULD rest my hand...

No reply from W, but she's house sitting for her mother at the moment, so may be busy with her friends in her home town.

I guess I'm just feeling disconnected. The drugs are making me a bit mellower, but partially because I don't really feel like I'm in my own skin. I'm just going through the motions on a lot of things, and mostly just feeling very lonely.

I've not cried in weeks now, but if I'm going to crack it's going to be today. I'm tempted to just roll back into bed and sleep away the rest of the weekend, at least Monday I'll have a bit of company.

Guess I'm just wallowing.

[Piano]

Hey blind, hugs to you. I hope you are feeling better this evening. Keeping busy is good, but learning to be alone and have no activities is also important.
Any reason why you don't go back to the UK? I know you wanted to start a new life here in a new city, but was it a good decision for your couple?
In my case, it was the worst decision we ever made, WH and I, to move back here. WH couldn't do it. He needs to be "home" right now. Does your W need to be "home"?
The deletions.. well Fullmoon and I were talking sensitive stuff I think needed deleting, so I asked the moderators to do so. I asked them to do it on my post too, but they haven't (and instead it is locked so I've started a new thread).

[blind]

Hey Piano,

No worries, wasn't sure if it was a glitch or not.

I'm not feeling all that great TBH... just a low evening. After being busy but alone yesterday, being quiet and alone today has just compacted. I just miss sharing everything with my best friend, and I miss her sharing her thoughts with me.

I'm from Australia originally. We weighed up where we wanted to live early in the relationship and decided we'd live in the UK for 5yrs then back to Aus to settle... with the option to move somewhere else after a few years.

My visa was expiring over there, and my renewal was more expensive than her complete visa over here... plus we'd been there 5 years (nearly 6) so decided together to move.

And yeah, it's feeling like the worst decision we ever made right now. I think back to it and it throws me for a loop again that we were in that happy place making decisions together, but we're here now, separated, on different sides of the planet.

There's nothing keeping her in the UK as a pressing issue... just fear of the unknown I guess.

I'd go over there to see her, but she's told me not to, and if that didn't look like the most extreme form of pursuing I don't know what would.

I just miss her, is what today comes down to. I really miss her. There's a new life waiting for me, and all these opportunities... but without her it all feels kinda hollow. You know?

[Piano]

Okay our sitch's are similar in some ways. Your W was not ready to move. Moving countries was too big a step for her. As someone who has lived in an 'international' couple for 15 years, in my 20s and 30s, I know how stressful it can be to leave "home". You weren't to know how scared she might be of course because you made the decision together to move to Aus! (Same as me and WH).

I know you don't want to think down these paths, and it is pursuing in DB terms, but what would happen if you went back there? Do you have a life outside W? Would you want to live there again, with or w/out W? Do you still have a visa or can you renew it?

[blind]

I don't know what would happen if I went back there... a lot of me thinks that she would never be able to move past her own guilt for what she's done.

I don't have a visa there any more, my spousal visa expired. I could only get a new one through her. I have friends there, but I couldn't work.

If moving back there would bring her back to me, I'd pack my bags now...

And I know her, if confronted with a big gesture like this she would most likely run. It's how she deals with her problems. She would run or just stonewall me. Stick to her convictions.

I understand the reasoning though... I wish she'd said that it was too much, or that she didn't want to... or anything like that. I'd settled. I'd moved there and lived there for 6 years. We'd struggled through so much together, staying there would have been nothing by comparison.

You raise a good point though... I just don't know if I can go back there just to be slapped down again. She said flat outright that the problem is me, and that she doesn't know what she wants anymore but she knows it's not me.... how do I overcome that?