I think I already know the answer, but Im gonna ask anyway. I've spent the night pondering things, and now Im pouring it out on paper in a handwritten letter to my WAW. Not blaming or anything, more like a heartfelt explanation/apology. Since she wont listen to me actually say it outloud, and I've read that even though she'll say she wont read it, she will. I know I dont have to give it to her, but I cant help but feel an overwhelming feeling that Im in a race for her heart with her EX that Im losing quickly. I know she's trying to bury her feelings for me as quickly and permanently as possible and I know he's poisoning her mind.
I just want her to somehow know that I realize how terribly I've been acting and treating her and why, and how it had MUCH more to do with me then it did with her. I know actions speak louder then words, but how can she see my actions if she isnt around to see them ? The only conduit will be through the kids and thats only a VERY limited scope, mostly concerned with spending time with them, that doesnt show her any of the other changes Im making daily.
She knows I have the other house, the one I can afford on my own, so she wont feel so much pressure about bills. She knows Im in the job retraining program through the State, but I wont be back to work full time for at least another month or so. And even then, the economy has been so bad I've been bouncing from job to job the last couple years trying to keep things afloat. So in her state of mind ( wanting STABILITY) that means she's going to need to see me in the same job for more then a few months.
Im not trying to get her to come rushing back home or anything, just that she knows Im doing all the things she needed me to do. Then I remember that she screamed at me the other day that she doesnt want to know anymore about stuff, because it just hurts her more. I know that was the anger talking more then anything, that on some level she really is glad Im doing it all, because I know from reading the diary she wrote to me 6 mos ago that this is the LAST thing she wanted to happen to us. When she writes things is one of the few times I know she's actually true and honest with her feelings.
I guess I'll probably finish writing it for now, but hold on to it for the time being and wait to see if her walls start to come down even a little with the help of the counselor we're going to see for the DD.
I just wish there was someway, maybe through God or something, that something could reach her heart and get her to see that this has been a life changing event for me, and things can be better then they ever were before for us, before its to late.
I know Im rambling and scrambling, just trying to do whatever I can before she's lost for good. Im doing a much better job of acting like Im ok in front of her, and like I said last night, I took some satisfaction that Im making the EX feel uncomfortable when Im there seeing my kids and that he's already acting like an a$$ regarding seeing the twins.
ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
Damnit this is SOOOOOOOOO frustrating.I KNOW on some level she DOES want to be together and its more her hurt and not trusting me to have really changed thats in the way, but how do I compete with him poisoning her mind, when she's so vulnerable to it ?
I also know she has done all this work to move out and all and is VERY stubborn and wont be willing to reverse course anytime soon, maybe out of pride or something.
